Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Insatiable

Why is it that no matter how many people we're surrounded by, we still have the ability to feel lonely? Is it just a state of mind that we have to learn to escape? Or are we truly never free from this heart wrenching disease?

It's sad really, how most of us try to fill the voids in our life with material things. Food, alcohol, books, television, ect. None of these things ever solve the problem though. The aching feeling that consumes a person. Hopelessness, gaps of utter isolation.

We aren`t alone. There`s always someone around, but we have such high expectations. We think back to the past when we had that best friend who knew us perfectly, or to the future, when we imagine the perfect soul mate who will always have our backs. The present is always lost on us.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Every day we started fighting, Every night we fell in love.

I should be ecstatic right now. I've been having brilliant days lately. Nothing's gone wrong. To top it off, the Harry Potter movie comes out at midnight.

Still though, I'm mentally exhausted.

What is it about this girl that gets to me? I could have had the best day possible, yet one word from her and I basically fall apart. It's like the fall after you sober up and realize how unreal everything was.

I love her, I honestly do, but I feel like I'm the only one really trying. I'm the one who goes to visit her at work whenever she's lonely there. I'm the one who's been starting the texts lately.

There was a time when the second she'd wake up she would text me. I'd get about four calls a day from her. Every night she would drive by and we'd sit in her car for a while.

And now? Nothing. Her last phone call was exactly a week ago. We text about ten times, compared to our continuous texting every second of the day.

I understand that things change, I just didn't expect it to happen so fast. It's usually me that starts backing away.

I've made her the center of my world, and I'm nothing but a speck in hers.

OK, please tell I'm not the only one who finds it weird that her facebook status only changes whenever we get into a fight. Jesus. I think it's time for bed. I'm hating reality.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Well if this is the face of a sinner;;And if heaven is only for winners, well I don't care;;cause I won't know anybody there

Oh boy does it feel good to eat.

I didn't sleep all night yesterday. I couldn't. I had too much on my mind. I waited until a decent time to get out of bed and go for a walk. I cried the entire time. I called a few people and apologized to them for everything I've put them through.

Heartless wasn't one of the people I called. I'm afraid to talk to her. We used to talk every minute of the day, so any form of distance adds a huge gap in our relationship.

I had to stop in at Walmart for a few seconds, which is where she works. I thought she wouldn't be there that early, but she was. The second she saw me she turned around and walked back. I walked out of the store.

Today definitely was an emotional roller coaster day.

After work, Homer invited me to go to khane with her to watch a video. I hesitantly agreed. My only reason was so we could spend time together, and I knew how much she hated going to that place.

At first I felt suffocated. Three months of not being there and suddenly I'm there with someone from my past...it just seemed like too much. A while later, I lost track of my surroundings and felt like it was only Homer and I.

Once the video was over, Homer and I went to talk to Kams and someone she calls Ruthless. Ruthless and I "talked" about our views of khane.

In the car ride home, Homer mentioned how Ruthless only opens up to those she feels a "pull" towards. Oh the guilt almost killed me.

How do I manage to do that? To sabotage things without even meaning to? Sigh.

Overall it was a pleasant evening. I love how easy it is to fall back into things.

Let's hope I can sleep tonight. It's one thing to have so much guilt on my mind, but to top it off, I'm finding it difficult to sleep without hearing from Heartless.

I hate habits.

Friday, July 03, 2009

It's hard admitting things.
It's even harder trying to remember suppressed memories.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Still alive but I'm barely breathing

Who said life can be lived without expectations? That all you need is to follow your heart.

When you come to the point where you love yourself enough to do just what you want, life comes and breaks you down. Never good enough becomes a fact of life that you just can't escape from.

Those who said that you need to live in the present are false, because everything depends on the past.

I remember when Alyssa and I stopped talking. Instead of comforting me, the dragon decided to tell me that Alyssa had come up to her and told her that I talk about my family and told her everything.

That night was the first night I prayed for Alyssa. I prayed I could forgive her. And it worked. After months.

When her and I stopped talking, the dragon said something similar. And with Homer, even worse.

I believed it all. I hated these people. I stopped trusting completely afraid that it would come and bite me in the ass.

I should have known better than to stop living my life that way. `Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,' right?

A huge part of me wants to ignore the dragon, but even she can't be as horrible as to lie so blatantly, would she? I mean, don't all parents want their children to have good relationships? Why is mine so intent on ruining me?

Each fall makes it harder to get back up the next time, and I'm so tired of trying anymore. I'm afraid I'll run out of energy.

Why does this summer feel so much like the last one? Everything feels so repetitive and it's frightening.

I'm tired of having my flaws pointed out to me. Yes, I'm well aware of how difficult I am. I know I'm selfish and rude. I know I'm manipulative and a burden. I can accept it all, but I don't know how to change it.

My cousin, M, would probably say that if I know it then change is possible. Yet sometimes I'd love to hear from her that maybe I don't need to change. Maybe, just maybe, someone can see past it all and notice how much I do care. How I'll give my life up for those I love.

Those I love. Ha. Somehow there aren't very many of those. I could probably count them on one hand. Maybe I'm selfish in that respect, I only love a handful of people.

I don't know. I don't. I agree. I'm most likely not going to post sec. I most likely will never keep a friend. I probably won't get a good job. And I definitely will not be good enough. Ever. I know it all. I'm not begging for people to accept that. I'm not looking for love. Yet it seems to be such a big deal to those in my life that I change.

Has it ever occurred to them that perhaps I don't want to. That maybe I have changed yet they keep bringing me back.

I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm rambling because I'm so furious. At myself. At others. At life.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Let's pack it up and put it away, on a secret shelf called 'your memory'

I'm so tired.

Woke up at 8:25am and was out of the house by nine. Walked to Tims then off to work. Long day, but wasn't that bad. I was off at five but I stayed for an hour and talked. Rumour has it that I'm having an affair with one of my managers. Ha. Too bad he's more of a mentor and father figure.

[Side note, Michael Jackson died today]

Around six I went to Walmart then walked home. My feet are so sore still. Stood for eight hours plus a two hour walk. Definitely hoping to give my feet a rest this weekend. Too bad I work Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday.

I can't even write anymore. I feel so emotionally tired.

I despise when people don't care. Heartless truly lives up to her name sometimes.

She wants something from me. She's been talking about it for days. I think it's dumb, and I'm not too comfortable with it going into public. So while talking about it right now she flips out and says, "Whatever, I'm over it. Do whatever the hell you want to do. I don't care."

She knows I hate it when she says that. My twisted mind takes the last three words and applies it to everything. Our relationship, me.

This took us to a huge fight in which I said, "How about this...I'm over you. It's so easy for you to be over things, and god forbid I ever have to hear you say that about me. So lets just drop this before I have the misfortune of having to hear that."

We go on arguing back and forth until she decides she has more important things to deal with, and since I'm over her, we might as well stop talking altogether.

A part of me is kind of hoping it actually is over. I've grown so dependent on her and I hate it. Yet a bigger part is deathly afraid of being without her. It'll end up like it did with her. That's how much Heartless means to me.

Worse part? I won't be able to sleep tonight because I've made the habit of saying goodnight before falling asleep. Joy. If I don't hear an I love you I can't sleep. What exactly has the world come to??

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

P.S.

Just checked my final mark for Calculus.

I went into my final exam with a 72%.

I have a 54% now.

Jesus. Way to lower my average. Center high here i come.

We blew out the candle && let us die

Ok, my "girl" will be called Heartless because that's definitely what she is.

We got into a fight a day or two ago, which isn't anything new for us. However!! This time we didn't technically make up. As I mentioned earlier she didn't wake me up. I went to work and had a fun day. Saw the hottest girl ever, and got asked out by a man named Ronaldo. I didn't think of her much, and I was determined not to let our fight ruin my day like I usually do.

I went on a walk with Homer, and it was the funnest and most carefree thing I've done in a while. Near the end of our three hour walk, Heartless texted. I kept replying with one word answers, and then she picked me up from Tims.

The second I got in the car I felt different. Usually I'd ruffle her hair and say, "Hi loveee," but this time I handed her the iced cap and said, "thanks for picking me up." We got to my house and for the first time she didn't make a big deal about having to be home.

She kept talking. About pointless things. I was afraid to say too much incase I came off as too "overwhelming."

Finally after half an hour she checked the time and told me to text her. I replied with, "Oh. and say what?"

She went cold again, and replied with something she knows I hate.

"Do whatever you want. I don't care."

I threw my full iced cap on my lawn and slammed the door.

I love her. Like crazy. But I don't have the energy for this. I can't put myself out there constantly and have to second guess everything. It's exhausting.

Oh dear lord. Mom just came and told me to register for all my grant mac/uni classes so we can apply for loans. Jesus. How do I tell her that I might need to do center high and upgrade??? In fact...How do I know if I`ll need to do that?? Crap I hate not knowing for sure.

One step forward, Two steps back

Its 8:45am and I'm ready for work.

First day in five months that the girl hasn't called to wake me up. Small thing, but big for us.

I mentioned getting high yesterday. It won't happen. It's the one thing I've been dead set against since the beginning. The thought was nice though.

This summer is starting off so much like last. I haven't felt this way since Atlanta. I had become a different person, and now I just seem to be going backwards.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'm back.

I need to start blogging again. People are too difficult to talk to and my psych was a wall.

So much has been going on. I've questioned my sexuality and practically fallen in love with one of my closest friends. Except, I don't think she's that close. We talk. Constantly. There was a point when if I didn't reply for more than ten minutes she would go crazy, but now...Now it's gotten to the point where she can't stand me. I shouldn't be surprised eh?

To top things off, people from my past are showing up. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still trying to figure that out.

One more diploma left and then high school is over for forever.

I'm pretty sure I failed science 30. I didn't go to class for two months. Instead I spent most of my time drinking and lazying around. How the hell did I mess up so much???

I feel so overwhelmed. Left and right people are throwing my faults at me. Overwhelming. Pushy. Mean. Rude. Snobby. Selfish.

I've been crying nonstop. At work, during, after. I don't want to go through this again. This time, summer won't end by going back to school. This year, I'll have to find my own way to escape, and it can't be alcohol. Although...my friend and I are planning on getting high on Friday.

What am I doing with my life? And why do I still feel so alone?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I just had a talk with a old friend I had a thing with, and we were playing 20 questions. He asked me if I think anythings going on with us, and when I said no, he said good because he can't ever see us together. When I asked him why, he said it would hurt me. Eventually he responded by saying he doesnt find me attractive at all.

Know what's funny? I know that. I've heard it so many times, all my life. Yet every day I wake up and convince myself that I'm pretty, just so I can like myself, even a little. That fake it till you make it attitude doesn't work on looks.

I was just having a conversation with my friend, trying to get her to see that looks aren't everything, but they are, aren't they? No man walks across the room for personality. Either way, it's not like I have much of that either. I'm not attractive nor do I have an interesting personality. So what exactly do I have to offer?

Ha, and then I wonder why Calgary guy has stopped calling, and why Atlanta guy hasn't responded in over a week.

Why do some people keep fooling themselves when the truth is right in front of them? Are we honestly that afraid of reality that we're willing to live in a world of lies?

It just doesn't seem fair. There's always something wrong, too bad this time there's nothing I can do to fix it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

quod me nutrit me destruit.

What nourishes me also destroys me.


Sorry this is so late...

Atlanta was so fun. I honestly loved it. The family bit was depressing though.

Before I went, Ahsan ( a guy who lives there) and I talked a lot-almost every night. We would joke about how both our families kept trying to get us together.
When we got there, him and I hit it off right away. He was the only one my age. Everyone else was way too old. Well, anyway, he introduced me to his friend, whose name happens to be Alishah even though he's a guy. LOL. Alishah, Ahsan and I were together almost 24/7. I guess that upset the family because Ahsan and I kept getting yelled at. We were told that us being together was setting a bad image. It had gotten so bad that him and I completely stopped talking for two days. At one point my mom and I got into a physical fight. I hated that part, the emotional abuse was enough, but bringing in the physical just seemed like pushing it.

Still, being with the guys was fun. I won't go into details, but Alishah and I hit it off...kinda. lol.

Coming back, I hate it. My life just seems to be going downhill. Diplomas are coming up and I can't even apply for universities because my marks aren't high enough. Not to mention that I have no idea what to do. I've basically stopped eating because I've been feeling so fat. It's all I can think of-what a failure I am; I can't even control my weight, and my future is on the line.

When I mentioned a bit of this to my mom, she agreed with me, and included that I'm going to fail at everything in life because I have no self control when it comes to bad choices.

God, I've just been so overwhelmed. All I've wanted to do is let it out to someone but every time I got close to it I freaked out. I've forgotten how to trust people. I ruined my relationship with Ahsan and i'm on the verge of doing that with Alishah. Even writing this to you is hard. I don't know how to let go of myself. How to be...free. I always seem to have my guard up and trusting people has become a joke for me. It's just not fair. I want to be able to have a relationship, to trust guys, to trust..myself.

I feel like I have nothing to offer. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. And to top it off, I have no personality. Why would anyone want me, right.

When I met my dad in Atlanta I didn't feel anything. I'm still not convinced that we met. perhaps because in the three hours we were together I said maybe 3 words. Language barriers was mostly the reason. I spoke English and Kutchi and he was gugrati. When I spoke in english I would just get laughed at. Still, he explained to me that the only reason he married my mom was to bring her family down. He believed they were too high up and needed to be brought down to reality. "No one would respect a family whose daughter married a nobody," is what he said. He said he's really thankful that my mother took me in even though the documents said that he was going to keep me. I wouldn't have had a good life with him.

It just makes me wonder why relationships have become such a joke, especially if that was his reason for marrying my mother.

I'm just feeling lost and useless. Diplomas should be my main concern but I feel like I know nothing. My mind keeps going blank while my heart rate increases dramatically. I can't wait for all of this to be over.

To top it all off, I got a phone bill of $240 which I'm terrified of telling my mom about. I need her to talk to my phone company to cut it a bit. In my defense I didn't know about roaming charges. I have unlimited on my phone plus a few nation-wide minutes. How was I to know that it wouldn't work over there? If I tell my mom I'm afraid she'll flip and get physical. I have no one to stick up for me anymore. No grandmother, no Homer. Who exactly do I turn to if she decides to throw me out or something?

Can you sense the stress? The anxiety and worry is almost turning physical. I'm sore and weak. I need an escape. Something. Anything. Please Dear Lord, don't abandon me now.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace

I'm only blogging because I'm bored. I've felt like writing, but never actually got around to it.

Let's update from the day of my birthday.

Well, Calgary guy stayed up until 1am-ish to wish me. We talked until that Sunday, which was when he met up with his ex-girlfriend, who wanted to get back together with him. After I questioned it some more he called her back and made sure she knew it wasn't a date. That was the last I heard from him.

Until exactly a week later.

I got told that he's been seeing a girl. He made a big deal about brown girls and not wanting to be attached for at least a year, but obviously all of that has changed. I've stopped caring. Whatever right? I can do better.

Still, what is it about the holidays which makes a person hate being single? Why have the holidays become a couples thing?

*sigh*

I'm starting to get annoyed by Bre. I feel the same things for her that I felt for H on our last weeks together. I'm sure that by the new year, Bre and I won't be friends.

And so the tradition continues.

Last day of school tomorrow. Going to Atlanta on Wednesday. Not too excited. People I'm staying with have a dog. Watch I'll freak out. Embarrass myself. I feel like shit.

I hate Christmas. I'm tired of being alone. I want a goddamn man. I want to wait for a phone call on Christmas. I want to be kissed under the mistletoe. I want a guy to hold my hand and whisper how beautiful I am.

DAMNIT.

This is why I stopped blogging.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A year gone, another to get through.

The guy and I talked for hours last night. At around 11pm we hung up and I went to sleep thinking he might have forgotten.

11:30pm, he called. We talked about random things and then in the middle of a sentence he stopped and wished me. I went to sleep smiling.

I woke up crying. I had dreamed about her, like I do before every birthday.

She didn't remember. Or at least didn't bother to call or message me.

What's sad is that I even got a birthday wish from the guy.

Today was a sad day for me. I couldn't help but remember her, him, Homer, Maryna.

I don't have anything to show for this past year. An array of broken relationships. I barely grew, in any way. I'm stuck where I've always been.

My day was plain. I went for lunch with Fearless. Highlight of my day. I'm thinking about going khane.

*sigh*
Maybe I'll hear from her before I fall asleep.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Once you move forward you can't go back; best prepare to remove your past.

I fell for him.

I think about him constantly, and I'm always smiling. It takes so much effort to not text or call.

Saturday I was at work all day and he called around 5:30pm. I didn't feel it vibrate, until I checked my phone an hour later. When I called back he said he called just to say hi and that he'd call later that night.

Sunday I was at work all day and when I got home I got a text saying he watched the Oilers game just for me. I called him a few minutes later saying that we wouldn't be able to talk that night because I was going out. He sounded upset.

When I called three hours later, he was sleeping. I told him to go back to sleep, but he didn't want to stop talking to me.

I don't know where this is going, or what it is.

I mean, we talk every night, but what about during the day? Does he even think of me? Am I just another girl?

*sigh*

It's my birthday tomorrow. Sweet 17. Not too excited. I rather be turning 18. Can't have it all I guess.

There's no snow on the ground, just really windy. It doesn't feel like December.

I'm going to go watch TV, maybe that will help my boy situation.

God, I really want to talk to him right now.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Maybe drinking wine would validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

Sometimes I feel I have too much drama in my life, most of which is caused through my own idiocracy.

Remember that guy,H? Well, he's been calling every day since we met. Finally last night, when he mentioned he's coming down here to visit me, I decided to tell him the truth.

We started off talking about what makes him mad. I brought up lies and he said that there's no valid excuse for lying. I didn't reply for a while and he asked what I wanted to tell him.

"You know how my birthday is coming up...well I might not be turning 18."

He freaked out, as expected.

"I have a lot of friends who have sisters who are 16."
"I don't want to seem like a jerk, just because of your age, but, well."

I told him I understood. That he's at an age where he wants a girl that he could go out with, and not to mention it would most likely be illegal.

*sigh*

It's just not fair. All the guys that do go for me are older than I am, and, well, I hate my age1

Most women want to be younger, but I'd kill to be a few years older.

Life sucks.

All I wanted was my cake, and to be able to eat it as well.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

errare humanum est [To err is human]

Wonderful! Brilliant! Fabulous!

Every word that describes joy can be used when talking about my weekend.

Friday: S and her family were two hours late. S's daughter, S Jr. and I had duty at four. By the time we got there, all of us were extremely tired. We still went to the celebrations at night. S Jr met some friends, one of who was H (H is very significant...).

Saturday: We were told our volunteer duty starts at 8 until 12. Obviously we assumed it was 8am. H woke up at 6:30am to give us a ride since S went to her boyfriend's hotel. H took us to Tim's first. It was so easy for me to be myself with him. It was at Tim's that he mentioned that I have soft hands.

When he dropped us to the hall, he walked me to the door since I was in heels. Upon reaching the hall we noticed there was no one there. S Jr called a few people and then we went home, hoping to get more sleep.

Saturday Night: S Jr and I were told to come in at 8pm. Wrong timing I suspect. Well, we did. H also showed up, after much pleading from S Jr. HOWEVER!...S Jr completely ignored the guy the entire time!!! So, him and I talked, and laughed like crazy. I felt completely at ease. We exchanged numbers before he left. S Jr definitely wasn't thrilled about that.

H and I texted all night and the next day we planned to go out.

Sunday: He worked all day, and I went to the celebration hall from 8am. Around 3pm my mom and I went to downtown to see the Aga drive by.

The Aga came by at around 6:20pm-ish. I met up with Munira and her and I went to her hotel since I had lost sight of my mother. From there I called H and told him I'd be another hour or so if I bused. He told me not to be stupid and he would come pick me up.

We went out for dinner to Earl's and then dessert at BP's. By then it was late and we were both getting tired, so we tried calling S and her daughter to see if they were home. Nope.

So he showed me his favorite places. The rest of the night was a blur. I remember cuddling and falling asleep on him. I defintely remember an awkward kiss. As soon as I could, I bolted from the car, remembering that this guy is S Jr's friend. This was at 2am.

A few minutes after I got inside the house, I got a text from him:

First of all I am sorry. Second S Jr and I aren't really friends. Third do you want a ride tomorrow because I don't mind helping out at the hall. Forth it's because I want to see you again. Fifth I had a good time with you. And sixth I kind of want my jacket back.


I didn't know what to make of it. I refused his offer for a ride, but the rest of the night I was worrying about his jacket and how I would get it back to him. I definitely couldn't have anyone see it since no one knew I had gone out with him.

Monday: Woke up bright and early, and was at the hall by 7:45am. Since I can't go in to detail I'll just say that it was beautiful.

We all saw H in the evening, when S asked him for a ride. He looked at me and agreed. We didn't end up going with him, thanks to S Jr and her dislike for me talking to him.

H and I planned to hand over the jacket Tuesday morning at 8am. He texted me bright and early and I met him at the door.

As soon as I opened the door he hugged me. We chatted a bit and between a few sentences we kept hugging and touching. When I got back in, S Jr's brother gave me a look and shook his head.

All of today, we've been texting.

Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that he's 21 and I'm 16. HOWEVER. According to him I'm 17 and turning 18 in five days. He wants to come down here and celebrate. Too bad I won't actually be legal.

*sigh* How do I get myself into these situations???

Thursday, November 20, 2008

memento mori [Remember that you will die]

It's times like these I wish I had a best friend I could ramble to and not worry about scaring away.

I really want to talk to someone. Just blab it all out and have them listen and ...

Oh I don't know. I'm just a mess. I've been messaging and texting random bits of my emotions to people. I'm scared of letting it all out to one person.

I even called up a few guys, just so I could escape this world for a few minutes. Horrible I know. They were all out or busy.

Here's the scoop:

I never wanted to go to Calgary with S. I kept on trying to convince my mom to go at the same time as me, but no. She had taken too many days off to go to Toronto with her dumb boyfriend, so she couldn't afford to take any more.

Since the mother had guilted me in to volunteering, I basically have no choice but to go with S.

S was supposed to leave Thursday afternoon. Surprise surprise! When I called her Wednesday night, she told me that we wouldn't leave until Friday. The reason? Because her new boyfriend isn't leaving till then.

Goodness gracious! Let me just emphasize that if for the first forty sum years of one's life, no relationship has worked out, why keep trying? Obviously that person is meant to be alone. Are us humans really that desperate that we cannot be happy alone?

Three or so hours with her in the car. Three days alone with her. All I can say is that I'll be catching up on a lot of missed prayers.

It's probably a good thing I'm not going with my family. It's just that...I kind of want to break it off with S. I'm tired of my relationship with her. It's basically filled with her. There's no room for me in it. Does that even make sense?

On another note, I asked the dragon to give me a ride to get my eyebrows done. I figured that since it's a big occasion and whatnot, I might as well look cleaned up for it. The vibe that my mother gave off wasn't one I wanted to deal with. She acted like she was doing me a huge favor by taking me. Hence, I refused.

Still, it hurts knowing that I have no one to lean on. God knows what I'd give to be able to trust someone.

Speaking of God, I'm nervous. I've been neglecting my religious and spiritual life so much. I just feel unworthy sometimes. All the pain I've caused people this year, and what I've turned in to-I just don't feel like a person who should be able to turn to God. Not a good time to feel this considering the reason I'm going to Cal is for the Golden Jubilee.

I'm exhausted to say the least. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

cave quid dicis, quando, et cui [Beware of what you say, when, and to whom]

Oh man oh man. What a horrible day.

It started out good, as all days do, but it just kept getting worse.

Bre was upset today, one of those days I guess.

For me, everything was fine until third period. I felt so down, ignored and unwanted. Horrible thoughts were going through my mind. This proceeded at work where I bawled for a few hours.

A coworker was having a similar day. I hate when someone else is upset at the same time I am. So I had the choice of being emotional with her, or changing my attitude for a while and cheering up. I chose the latter.

What better way to feel good than some good ol' flirting and joking around. Which is exactly what I did.

Remember the work guy I wrote about a while ago? Well him and I chatted a bit.

What is it about guys knowing exactly what to say? Are us woman really that predictable?

When we were talking, he mentioned how hard this guy works. I replied with "yes, unlike you who sits around doing nothing."

His response? "I get distracted."

When I asked by what, he wouldn't reply and just told me to think about it.

I'm not stupid, I knew he was talking about me. What I find hilarious is that he had the audacity to do that just a few seconds after we finished talking about him being a player.

Men! Honestly! What do they take us for? Blonde bimbos?

I had a really nice chat with my manager though. She is such an awesome woman. She mentioned how gorgeous she thinks I am and that she would feel like she was the luckiest woman if I were her daughter.

I wanted to say that I have no personality and I'm a horrible daughter. I've learned to agree with what people say, at least to their face.

*sigh*

To make the day worse, the Oilers are losing horribly!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Ira furor brevis est: Anger is a brief madness

I'm a failure. I still fail to understand why I was born.

Yes, I'm bawling right now. And I have been for the last hour or so.

I don't know what I feel right now. Sad, mad, guilty, upset, exhausted, sore.

I don't want to feel guilty. Whatever I said was right on my part.

My mother, grandmother and I had a huge brawl. It started with my grandmother bringing up mother's boyfriend. I got brought up and it eventually turned in to a full blown fight. Verbal.

I saw a part of my mother which reminded me of myself. It was at that point where I felt guilt but quickly tried to push it away.

I'm too angry and dejected to feel anything for anyone else. I need this to be about me. I need to release it from my system.

I just...I don't get why it seems to be so much harder for me.

No friends, no family support. The people I do have in my life right now all seem to be there for their own benefit.

God, I'm sick and tired of all of it. I just don't have the energy or will to put up with any more. I'm terrified to live another day. Please please please. I can't go through this another second.

My entire body is sore. Nothing happened. I guess the emotional pain turned to physical.

Every now and then I get flashes of making myself throw up in the car to avoid khane. I can see myself in a corner, surrounded by stares and laughter-aimed at me. Mum walks by and I suck in, hoping I won't get hit. Sitting alone in school. Breaking down, crying. Everyone walking away, not wanting to be near me. Following others around, maybe this time I'll have someone to talk to. No, you're an idiot. Ugly. Stupid. Failure. Loser. Boy? Freak. Burden. Useless.

And it stops. For a while. Maybe forever? No. Not for me. Never for me. Always. Going. On. Never. Forget.

Is it a sin to save myself? What happens when life becomes hell, and death is the only known heaven? Will you hate me for falling prey to Satan's calls? It's my fault. Yours. Ours.

An ongoing sermon. Never ever forget. Life is better dead.

I just can't take it anymore.

Veritas odium parit: Truth breeds hatred

bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem[It is not goodness to be better than the worst]

Today really isn't my day is it?

S called again and I think it was pretty obvious that I couldn't wait to get rid of her sooner. How rude am I, eh?

I don't want to go to khane tonight. In the state I'm in, every little thing is getting to me. I'll be in a room full of people, all staring me down.

The dragon's affair came out in to the open finally. The wife found out and both the dragon and her boyfriend had to quite the Golden Jubilee committee they were in.

I can defintely see myself like that when I'm older. Sleeping around, ruining marriages.

What exactly happened to monogamy? To the fairytale lives some couples live?

I feel empty inside. I'm not even excited about the visit from The Aga Khan.

I'm a horrible person. So them, why am I alive?

quod me nutrit me destruit. [What nurishes me also destroys me.]

What a horrible morning.

I went to bed crying and woke up sobbing.

Perhaps it's just my hormones being their usual annoying self.

What I'm craving more than ever is to talk to someone. Just to let it all out and have someone sympathize with me.

S called first thing this morning. She went on and on about last night with this new guy she met. Meanwhile all I wanted to do was hang up on her and continue with my sob session.

Two more hours until I start work. I want to leave right now. Just go out and wander aimlessly.

I still want a hug. A talk. A caring smile.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. (Screw the customer)

So much has gone on since I last posted.

Yes, Barack Obama has become President-Elect. The Aga Khan is coming to Canada. And my uncle still hates me.

It was announced today that The Aga Khan is coming in a few weeks time. I found it really unfair that the "volunteers" found out before the rest of the congregation. Typical brownness.

And the actual announcement? I'm sure a eulogy would have been better and filled with more emotion.

There was food and dancing after evening prayers. My uncle was taking pictures and every time I would come anywhere close to the camera's focus, he would move away.

I don't get why he hates me so much.

Everyone seems to like me. At school people wave. At work people laugh. At khane-well I don't really go unless I have to. And at home...it's an on and off thing. Still, it's not like I'm completely ignored. Yet I still feel as alone as ever.

When I feel down and need cheering up, I have no one to turn to. When I'm bored and want to go out, no one comes to the rescue.

In truth, no matter how many people wave or say hi in passing, I want friends who actually care. Ones who know me and won't mind me ranting.

Today in khane, I was with S the entire time. I couldn't ignore how immaturely she acted. She's 44 years old, yet she got giggly and kept flirting with men. She cheered and high-fived another friend when she made a lady mad.

I'm sorry, but grow up?

I know I'm being rude, but I absolutely cannot stand people who are childish on a regular basis. Yes it's all fun and games, but there is a time to be serious as well.

Never once can I remember talking to her about my problems or what I think. Oh of course she asks how things are at home, but it's quite obvious that she does it to satisfy her own need of knowing that her ex-best friend is a total mess.

Is everyone in this world using one another? Is there any such thing as true friendship? True love?

A few days ago my mother told me to save up because money is everything. At first I yelled at her, saying that as a mother she's done nothing but set a bad example for me. I said that it's probably the reason why I'm such a mess right now.

Now that I think about it though, she was right. Friends, love, family, marriage-all of this is just words. It doesn't matter. In the end, like my mother said, money talks.

How I wish I could still live in that fantasy world, believing in love. It's easier to be a fool, isn't it? But being me, being a girl with no hope, it's bloody tiring.

Maybe we need love to believe in God, that would explain why I've stopped going khane. But you can have faith without a true house of worship, right?

I'm lost. I'm confused. But most of all, I'm tired.

Exhausted of the cycle I go with with my family. Tired of the burning hole I feel when I let myself breathe for a few seconds.

The need to keep myself occupied is also driving me insane.

I just want to get out of here. I want to be done with life. There is no future without hope, and I've been hopeless for quite some time now.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Welcome President Barack Obama!!

At exactly 9:00pm, CNN announced that the newest President of the United States is President Barack Obama.

The first black president. History just wrote itself and I watched every second of it.

I'm deliriously happy.

Blog later.

Monday, November 03, 2008

That was quite a show; very entertaining;; but it's over now; so go one and take a bow

Remember when I said I'm horrible with boys? Well I wasn't lying.

Sunday was absolutely horrible-on my part at least. We didn't talk or even look at each other.

Oh wait! The phone call first. Well, it was awkward and a bit boring. I sort of fell asleep in the middle. I think he realized that because he told me to go to bed and he'd talk to me the next day.

That obviously didn't happen.

After talking to mutual friends, I realized that the only thing that really got to me was the attention. Aside from that, there's nothing. So at lunch today I went shopping and released the little feelings I had left.

Sure I can still flirt around with him, but I'll remember to keep my guard up at all times.

I let out a lot of my frustrations this morning. I woke up angry, tired, and cranky. I got a ride from my mother and made it a point to not even open my mouth.

At school I did some homework and studied for my math exam. That's when things got really out of hand.

Every time we have an exam or essay or some sort of big assignment thing, Bre gets really worked up. She becomes aggressive and makes me feel like a retard.

I flipped out at her and told her she can't expect to treat me like that and get away with it. She felt bad which in turn made me feel bad.

Gah! I hate people. I'm so much more happier alone. ... With money. ... Able to shop.

Speaking of shopping, it's what I'm doing on one of the days of my 5-day long weekend. Hopefully I can get someone to give me some money.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this. Everything thing would be easy and uncomplicated; the way it was when we were young

My heart is pounding. All day today. I've been a giggling nervous wreck.

I walked to work since mum had a meeting or something. I was shaking with nerves all day.

The boy, C, came in two hours late.

The day was filled with winks, smiles, casual touches, whistles, and lots of singing on my part. I gave him a note saying, "How about you call me," followed by my number.

By the end of the day he was jumping up and down, and telling everyone how happy he was. Everyone knew he was talking about me and they kept smiling at me.

He kept saying things like "One day you'll come over and I'll cook you the most amazing dinner ever."

He's supposed to call me 15 minutes ago. I'm still nervous. I haven't liked a guy since the guy in so long. I almost forgot what it felt like to feel this giddy.

Fingers crossed it turns out good.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

What does it make me if I'm fooled more than a hundred times...by the same person.

Remember how I mentioned that H and I are on speaking terms today? Well...

The day started off with me texting everyone a Halloween song. A few replies I got were cheerful, and then I got a texts from Bre.

Why on earth am I so annoyed by her? My conversations with her are normal, yet every word she says makes me angry. I went to school upset.

In math I handed out chocolate to those around me. The girl in front of me passed on a chocolate to Maryna, who took it happily. When she found out it was from me, she threw it on the floor.

By then my patience was on the edge. I ignored everyone and focused on not lashing out.

In social I made an extra big effort to be happy. It worked. It was around this time that I received a text from H telling me she was going to skip forth period so we could hang out together. I got directions to her locker and was told what time to meet her.

So the day passed, until it was finally 2pm.

I went to my locker, and then made my way towards hers.

Nothing. I texted her and got no reply.

By then I had missed my bus and had no choice but to wait for the 3:30pm bus-eighty minutes later. Thankfully I found a girl at the mall who was in a similar situation as me.

Still, I was upset at myself and quite humiliated.

H has always done this to me, and every time I forgive her. Enough is enough. No way am I going to be paying her much attention.

I went to work sad and angry.

The rest of the evening was fun, filled up many laughs. At the end of the night, a guy I've been casually flirting with called me over. He handed me over a piece of paper which said: Call me tomorrow at 9pm.

His house number was on there.

Here's the deal with this guy: he's my "friend's" ex boyfriend. He's the guy who was interested in me while he was with her. He is cute. And I might like him.

I'm super nervous. We work together tomorrow. I'm thinking of giving him a note telling him to call me. Why should I be the nervous wreck, right?

Still, I'm not good with guys. I get nervous and clammy. I'll ruin this before it even starts.

Dear lord, please let something happen. Something good.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Populus vult decipi. (The people want to be decived)

Do you ever wonder who it is you live with?

We often hear that you never know a person, no matter how long you've been with them.

Your mom, dad, grandparents-they are all strangers. People who have their own stories. Often we fall for the people we meet, but not who they actually are.

I guess it's one reason why I continue to write in the blog. I want to know myself. I want to look back and read every single entry and remember who I used to be, who I am.

Today was a good day. I'm getting slightly annoyed by Bre, the girl I met at the beginning of the school year. My doctor warned me this would happen. Guess it goes back to me getting bored too easily.

I'm tired. Probably because it's 11:10pm.

Tomorrow= Work + Fearless' birthday
Saturday= Work + khane?
Sunday= Work + Khane?
Monday= Khane
Tuesday= UofA
Wednesday= Work
Thursday= Day of Rest
Friday= Khane
Saturday= Work

I need a life.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

Could I tell you a secret? I'm happy. Deliriously happy.

The day started off good. A minor setback at lunch and third when I realized that I like this guy who has become a good friend of mine.

After school was awesome!!

I got home at 2:45pm and turned on my Oprah and Dr.Phil as usual. Half an hour later I heard a bing from my computer. Normally I would ignore it, but for some reason I ran to check.

Surprise surprise!! It was the guy.

"Say the first color that comes to your mind."

"Pink!"

"Oh come on! You can do better than that."

"Fuchsia."

"Perfect!!"

I couldn't resist, I had to ask what it was for.

"Oh well I didn't know what to wear tonight so I decided to ask for your opinion."

It was at that point that I heard someone ring the doorbell and come tumbling down a second later. It was a friend telling me to grab my bag so we could go get a cheesecake.

She saw who I was talking to and raised her eyebrows. My response? "Oops!"

Anyway, on our way to get our dessert I got a text from him.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but why is it that every time I want to like another guy, he pops back in?

*sigh*

I got my eyebrows done today and let my manager know what days I can't work in November. She took it well and I'm all good.

Tomorrow=UofA library to study
Thursday=Work + Grey's Anatomy
Friday=Work + Halloween + Khane
Saturday=Work + Khane
Sunday=Work (maybe?) + Khane

I feel like a busy woman!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm at the point where I just want to give up on my heart. Why do we, as people, care so much about others? Is it not possible to just live a life on your own?

Know what upsets me the most? The fact that I KNOW that I need to get awesome hrades, yet I just cannot get myself to do homework or study.

Maybe if I moved or got away from here, my life will be less of a roller coaster.

I was thinking about what would happen if I died.

Not many people are in my life as it is. No one checks up on me regularly. If I were dead, who exactly would my mother tell? People I haven't spoken to in years? Because right now, I don't really have anyone in my life.

In a way it's a relief, but at the same time, I'd like to have someone to call up when I'm down, or heard a funny story.

I guess that's why I miss H so much-she was my last real friend. After her, I built up a wall that didn't let people in too much. Now I realize how horrible that must have been for Homer.

I've never understood why people fall so hard sometimes. Alison, Homer, a girl at work, I was friends with them for a while and always told them that I wasn't a good friend. Still, when our time together was over, it hit them the hardest.

Odd isn't it? That the people I adore don't care about me, and the ones who love me, I can't seem to give a second thought about them.

Mother decided to take me shopping today. We were joking around and swearing at our fathers. She passed along a vital information pertaining my father. Apparently he lives in Atlanta and I might bump in to him.

I don't think I'm ready for it. I've always thought of the day I would meet him, but I haven't actually prepared myself for it.

Around two months left and I'm already shaking.

Maybe the nerves are for an entirely different situation. Perhaps it's my misfortune of being alive.

Is it wrong to want to sit at home all day in a ball and sob?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be canceled.


Oh how I wish my title were true.

I really hope I can shop this weekend. I NEED it.

What is it about buying new things which makes a girl feel fabulous?

I really need this weekend to go good. I'm so tired of being down all the time. Even right now, I feel sad and upset for no reason.

I suppose I'm just nervous for work tomorrow.

Perhaps I'm just not a likable person. Maybe that's the reason why so many people dislike me. I wish it didn't upset me so much. It usually doesn't, but lately I'm in need of some loving. (How cheesy does that sound? LOL)

Khane was alright today. I'm so used to being alone that it barely bothers me. Yes, I feel self conscious at times, especially when I feel ugly, but that can always be faked.

I'm just terrified for the future. I don't know what to expect. Every year, I knew I could count on the routine I've lived all my life. School. Home. Maybe work. But now, I'll be starting something completely new and I won't have anyone.

Maybe going through life alone isn't such a wise choice. But then again, who wants to go through heartache every second day?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

So much for that perfect day.

I'm on the brink of tears right now. God. I don't know why I'm always so emotional. I need another mind, heart, better yet, life.

I'm feeling lonely. Some of my friends hate me.

Sometimes apologies just don't cut it.

I wrote the above last night.

It's Friday and all I have to say is that sometimes, no matter what a person does, some expectations just cannot be met.

I got up the courage at 4pm to call my manager and let her know I couldn't make it to work tomorrow, but if she couldn't find anyone at the last minute I would be willing to come in to close (5pm to 9pm). This was her response:

"You can't expect to just call in and me to be fine with it. You need to learn to manage your time. And yes, you should come in at 5pm because you live the closest."

"Oh for sure. And again I'm so so-"

I stopped at that point because I realized that she had hung up on me.

I have no idea why she despises me so much. I've heard it from many of the other workers that she says nasty things about me.

"She hates you. Hated you since your first day."

Well doesn't that make me feel dandy?

I'm so tired of all of this. I just...I want to be liked without worrying what the other person's motif is.

As for today's deranged news: Last year on my birthday two friends murdered one friend's uncle. Today I found out that H saved the real murderer and blamed the sidekick for everything. The real guy got off with nothing, while the "innocent" guy got seven years.

Sure does bring me in a predicament. I rather no one get wrongly accused. However, I'm not sure if I want to get involved in this.

Horrible isn't it?

I'm still bummed about the work thing. This is the first time I've asked for a day off in three months. I even worked on the day my great grandmother passed away. Not to mention that I've taken four shifts in the last three weeks because a girl had other plans.

I'd say that my situation was fair considering I called a day earlier instead of an hour or two before.

*sigh*

I'm determined to stay positive, at least until tomorrow evening. I wish I had the nerve to say all this to my manager. Too bad I rather not lose my job. I'm a bit desperate for cash.

I say this is the perfect time to say: BLOODY HELL!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Does anyone else find it sad that I miss Homer's dog more than her?

I want a dog so bad! LOL

Today was a good day. I'm stressed about Saturday though. I kept complaining about working this Saturday, and now it seems like I'll actually have to call in. Can you say suspicious??

My plan is that I'll call in tomorrow and tell them I have to go to Calgary or something. Hm. Crap! Does that mean I can't work this entire weekend? -_-

This whole week I kept bumping into the guy. There's another guy at work who I've started talking to a lot, and me and him have this thing going on on who the best disser is.

I'm used to winning, because guys always let me win. I realized how utterly stupid I was to let the guy go.

Will anyone ever love me as much as he did?

On a happier note, I'm almost broke and tomorrow is Friday. Ok so the broke part isn't too great, but I'm getting paid on Friday (too bad there's no direct deposit). I'll borrow money from my mom and promise to pay her back once I get my actual cheque.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is just as fantastic as today, or even better.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"Always follow your passion, because that, and only that, will lead you to your happy ending." -Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald



Yes, after nine years of airtime and eight and a half years for me, Passions has finally ended.

While I was watching the season finale I couldn't help but think of all the times shared with Maryna.

Although we share two classes and our lockers are right beside each other, we don't speak, and surprisingly I don't feel empty anymore when I see her. The memories are still there.

Watching Passions with her, obsessing about characters. In our six years together, we shared a lot. Seeing her now, I realized how much we all change. How after a while even the best of friends can become strangers.

I miss her. I miss simplicity.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

I really miss having a family.

Odd isn't it? How sometimes you can miss something you don't have, something you've never had. Perhaps it's the illusion of it-what I've heard, seen.

For once I want my mother to stick up for me. To worry when she hears me sobbing for over two hours. I want her to sit beside me, stroking my hair.

I don't know where I got that image from. Why I can't seem to accept that we just aren't like that. I guess it's seeing and hearing from other mothers. The confession that their children are their lives. Hearing their suggestions on the best way to help them out.

Meanwhile my mother...

I needed something to cheer me up. I needed a kind of reward for getting a high mark, for making it through this horrible weekend.

I asked my mom to drive me to Tim Hortons or Red Robins to grab coffee or a cheesecake.

"No. You'll just get fat."

Of course the waterfalls started and not wanting to show emotion, I stormed up the stairs, feigning anger.

I sobbed for over two hours in my room. She walked by my room to go to my bathroom so she could blow dry her hair. Not even for a second did she stop and check on me.

It's hard to believe she couldn't hear me.

I wanted someone to call me. I needed someone to talk to. S called but I couldn't hear my phone ringing. I just texted her apologizing for missing her call and all I got back was "OK."

Why is it so wrong to just give up? I'm so very tired. Every so often I come to such a low point where even breathing becomes a chore.

I'm terrified of this school year being over. It'll mark the beginning of my failures. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak. I don't know how to survive. If it's this bad at home right now, I can't even imagine how it'll be when they have a valid reason to hate me.

Please Lord, I know I've stopped going to mosque and I don't pray, but please please help me.

I'm tired of asking for my death. I've accepted that I'm not one of the lucky few who will die young. I'm supposed to suffer for as long as possible.

I'm broken. I don't even know what the point is anymore. It won't get better, there's no point in false hope.

I just want to sleep and never get up.

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

I guess I'm still PMSing.

I found out today that we needed to do gown sizing and book an appointment for grad pictures. I didn't want to do it, figuring that I wouldn't even pass with good enough marks. Why would I want a reminder of my failures, right?

After much persuasion, my friends convinced me that I'd make it and I would regret not going to grad or having pictures.

When I came home and told my grandmother I needed to get all that done she said, "Oh why would you even want to go to grad? You'll probably fail and waste all our money. As for pictures, it's not like you even look good in school pictures."

Hearing that brought me on the verge of tears. In fact, I'm actually crying right now.

I hate how low they think of me. I can never get any sort of encouragement from them, no matter what. Whether it be on my looks, marks, or even the way I dress.

I've lost it. I don't want to go to commencement, grad, or even have grad pictures. Why should I even? Everyone is right. It's not like I'll have anything to show for graduating high school? I might as well just drop out.

Can you guess that today was the same as my weekend? I miss being naturally cheerful.

The math exam I was fretting over on Friday, I got 95% on it. I told the hag about that as well and got a "where'd the other 5% go?"

How is it that they're better at making me feel like shit than I am? I hate how emotional I've become. I hate everything, mostly myself. I'm angry, but I don't know at what.

I want someone to listen. Someone I can tell all this to and have them reply. Or just...I don't know. I need to know I'm not completely alone.