Sunday, November 09, 2008

Ira furor brevis est: Anger is a brief madness

I'm a failure. I still fail to understand why I was born.

Yes, I'm bawling right now. And I have been for the last hour or so.

I don't know what I feel right now. Sad, mad, guilty, upset, exhausted, sore.

I don't want to feel guilty. Whatever I said was right on my part.

My mother, grandmother and I had a huge brawl. It started with my grandmother bringing up mother's boyfriend. I got brought up and it eventually turned in to a full blown fight. Verbal.

I saw a part of my mother which reminded me of myself. It was at that point where I felt guilt but quickly tried to push it away.

I'm too angry and dejected to feel anything for anyone else. I need this to be about me. I need to release it from my system.

I just...I don't get why it seems to be so much harder for me.

No friends, no family support. The people I do have in my life right now all seem to be there for their own benefit.

God, I'm sick and tired of all of it. I just don't have the energy or will to put up with any more. I'm terrified to live another day. Please please please. I can't go through this another second.

My entire body is sore. Nothing happened. I guess the emotional pain turned to physical.

Every now and then I get flashes of making myself throw up in the car to avoid khane. I can see myself in a corner, surrounded by stares and laughter-aimed at me. Mum walks by and I suck in, hoping I won't get hit. Sitting alone in school. Breaking down, crying. Everyone walking away, not wanting to be near me. Following others around, maybe this time I'll have someone to talk to. No, you're an idiot. Ugly. Stupid. Failure. Loser. Boy? Freak. Burden. Useless.

And it stops. For a while. Maybe forever? No. Not for me. Never for me. Always. Going. On. Never. Forget.

Is it a sin to save myself? What happens when life becomes hell, and death is the only known heaven? Will you hate me for falling prey to Satan's calls? It's my fault. Yours. Ours.

An ongoing sermon. Never ever forget. Life is better dead.

I just can't take it anymore.

Veritas odium parit: Truth breeds hatred

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