Thursday, November 20, 2008

memento mori [Remember that you will die]

It's times like these I wish I had a best friend I could ramble to and not worry about scaring away.

I really want to talk to someone. Just blab it all out and have them listen and ...

Oh I don't know. I'm just a mess. I've been messaging and texting random bits of my emotions to people. I'm scared of letting it all out to one person.

I even called up a few guys, just so I could escape this world for a few minutes. Horrible I know. They were all out or busy.

Here's the scoop:

I never wanted to go to Calgary with S. I kept on trying to convince my mom to go at the same time as me, but no. She had taken too many days off to go to Toronto with her dumb boyfriend, so she couldn't afford to take any more.

Since the mother had guilted me in to volunteering, I basically have no choice but to go with S.

S was supposed to leave Thursday afternoon. Surprise surprise! When I called her Wednesday night, she told me that we wouldn't leave until Friday. The reason? Because her new boyfriend isn't leaving till then.

Goodness gracious! Let me just emphasize that if for the first forty sum years of one's life, no relationship has worked out, why keep trying? Obviously that person is meant to be alone. Are us humans really that desperate that we cannot be happy alone?

Three or so hours with her in the car. Three days alone with her. All I can say is that I'll be catching up on a lot of missed prayers.

It's probably a good thing I'm not going with my family. It's just that...I kind of want to break it off with S. I'm tired of my relationship with her. It's basically filled with her. There's no room for me in it. Does that even make sense?

On another note, I asked the dragon to give me a ride to get my eyebrows done. I figured that since it's a big occasion and whatnot, I might as well look cleaned up for it. The vibe that my mother gave off wasn't one I wanted to deal with. She acted like she was doing me a huge favor by taking me. Hence, I refused.

Still, it hurts knowing that I have no one to lean on. God knows what I'd give to be able to trust someone.

Speaking of God, I'm nervous. I've been neglecting my religious and spiritual life so much. I just feel unworthy sometimes. All the pain I've caused people this year, and what I've turned in to-I just don't feel like a person who should be able to turn to God. Not a good time to feel this considering the reason I'm going to Cal is for the Golden Jubilee.

I'm exhausted to say the least. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

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