Saturday, November 08, 2008

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. (Screw the customer)

So much has gone on since I last posted.

Yes, Barack Obama has become President-Elect. The Aga Khan is coming to Canada. And my uncle still hates me.

It was announced today that The Aga Khan is coming in a few weeks time. I found it really unfair that the "volunteers" found out before the rest of the congregation. Typical brownness.

And the actual announcement? I'm sure a eulogy would have been better and filled with more emotion.

There was food and dancing after evening prayers. My uncle was taking pictures and every time I would come anywhere close to the camera's focus, he would move away.

I don't get why he hates me so much.

Everyone seems to like me. At school people wave. At work people laugh. At khane-well I don't really go unless I have to. And at home...it's an on and off thing. Still, it's not like I'm completely ignored. Yet I still feel as alone as ever.

When I feel down and need cheering up, I have no one to turn to. When I'm bored and want to go out, no one comes to the rescue.

In truth, no matter how many people wave or say hi in passing, I want friends who actually care. Ones who know me and won't mind me ranting.

Today in khane, I was with S the entire time. I couldn't ignore how immaturely she acted. She's 44 years old, yet she got giggly and kept flirting with men. She cheered and high-fived another friend when she made a lady mad.

I'm sorry, but grow up?

I know I'm being rude, but I absolutely cannot stand people who are childish on a regular basis. Yes it's all fun and games, but there is a time to be serious as well.

Never once can I remember talking to her about my problems or what I think. Oh of course she asks how things are at home, but it's quite obvious that she does it to satisfy her own need of knowing that her ex-best friend is a total mess.

Is everyone in this world using one another? Is there any such thing as true friendship? True love?

A few days ago my mother told me to save up because money is everything. At first I yelled at her, saying that as a mother she's done nothing but set a bad example for me. I said that it's probably the reason why I'm such a mess right now.

Now that I think about it though, she was right. Friends, love, family, marriage-all of this is just words. It doesn't matter. In the end, like my mother said, money talks.

How I wish I could still live in that fantasy world, believing in love. It's easier to be a fool, isn't it? But being me, being a girl with no hope, it's bloody tiring.

Maybe we need love to believe in God, that would explain why I've stopped going khane. But you can have faith without a true house of worship, right?

I'm lost. I'm confused. But most of all, I'm tired.

Exhausted of the cycle I go with with my family. Tired of the burning hole I feel when I let myself breathe for a few seconds.

The need to keep myself occupied is also driving me insane.

I just want to get out of here. I want to be done with life. There is no future without hope, and I've been hopeless for quite some time now.

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