Tuesday, January 13, 2009

quod me nutrit me destruit.

What nourishes me also destroys me.


Sorry this is so late...

Atlanta was so fun. I honestly loved it. The family bit was depressing though.

Before I went, Ahsan ( a guy who lives there) and I talked a lot-almost every night. We would joke about how both our families kept trying to get us together.
When we got there, him and I hit it off right away. He was the only one my age. Everyone else was way too old. Well, anyway, he introduced me to his friend, whose name happens to be Alishah even though he's a guy. LOL. Alishah, Ahsan and I were together almost 24/7. I guess that upset the family because Ahsan and I kept getting yelled at. We were told that us being together was setting a bad image. It had gotten so bad that him and I completely stopped talking for two days. At one point my mom and I got into a physical fight. I hated that part, the emotional abuse was enough, but bringing in the physical just seemed like pushing it.

Still, being with the guys was fun. I won't go into details, but Alishah and I hit it off...kinda. lol.

Coming back, I hate it. My life just seems to be going downhill. Diplomas are coming up and I can't even apply for universities because my marks aren't high enough. Not to mention that I have no idea what to do. I've basically stopped eating because I've been feeling so fat. It's all I can think of-what a failure I am; I can't even control my weight, and my future is on the line.

When I mentioned a bit of this to my mom, she agreed with me, and included that I'm going to fail at everything in life because I have no self control when it comes to bad choices.

God, I've just been so overwhelmed. All I've wanted to do is let it out to someone but every time I got close to it I freaked out. I've forgotten how to trust people. I ruined my relationship with Ahsan and i'm on the verge of doing that with Alishah. Even writing this to you is hard. I don't know how to let go of myself. How to be...free. I always seem to have my guard up and trusting people has become a joke for me. It's just not fair. I want to be able to have a relationship, to trust guys, to trust..myself.

I feel like I have nothing to offer. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. And to top it off, I have no personality. Why would anyone want me, right.

When I met my dad in Atlanta I didn't feel anything. I'm still not convinced that we met. perhaps because in the three hours we were together I said maybe 3 words. Language barriers was mostly the reason. I spoke English and Kutchi and he was gugrati. When I spoke in english I would just get laughed at. Still, he explained to me that the only reason he married my mom was to bring her family down. He believed they were too high up and needed to be brought down to reality. "No one would respect a family whose daughter married a nobody," is what he said. He said he's really thankful that my mother took me in even though the documents said that he was going to keep me. I wouldn't have had a good life with him.

It just makes me wonder why relationships have become such a joke, especially if that was his reason for marrying my mother.

I'm just feeling lost and useless. Diplomas should be my main concern but I feel like I know nothing. My mind keeps going blank while my heart rate increases dramatically. I can't wait for all of this to be over.

To top it all off, I got a phone bill of $240 which I'm terrified of telling my mom about. I need her to talk to my phone company to cut it a bit. In my defense I didn't know about roaming charges. I have unlimited on my phone plus a few nation-wide minutes. How was I to know that it wouldn't work over there? If I tell my mom I'm afraid she'll flip and get physical. I have no one to stick up for me anymore. No grandmother, no Homer. Who exactly do I turn to if she decides to throw me out or something?

Can you sense the stress? The anxiety and worry is almost turning physical. I'm sore and weak. I need an escape. Something. Anything. Please Dear Lord, don't abandon me now.

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