Monday, June 29, 2009

Still alive but I'm barely breathing

Who said life can be lived without expectations? That all you need is to follow your heart.

When you come to the point where you love yourself enough to do just what you want, life comes and breaks you down. Never good enough becomes a fact of life that you just can't escape from.

Those who said that you need to live in the present are false, because everything depends on the past.

I remember when Alyssa and I stopped talking. Instead of comforting me, the dragon decided to tell me that Alyssa had come up to her and told her that I talk about my family and told her everything.

That night was the first night I prayed for Alyssa. I prayed I could forgive her. And it worked. After months.

When her and I stopped talking, the dragon said something similar. And with Homer, even worse.

I believed it all. I hated these people. I stopped trusting completely afraid that it would come and bite me in the ass.

I should have known better than to stop living my life that way. `Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,' right?

A huge part of me wants to ignore the dragon, but even she can't be as horrible as to lie so blatantly, would she? I mean, don't all parents want their children to have good relationships? Why is mine so intent on ruining me?

Each fall makes it harder to get back up the next time, and I'm so tired of trying anymore. I'm afraid I'll run out of energy.

Why does this summer feel so much like the last one? Everything feels so repetitive and it's frightening.

I'm tired of having my flaws pointed out to me. Yes, I'm well aware of how difficult I am. I know I'm selfish and rude. I know I'm manipulative and a burden. I can accept it all, but I don't know how to change it.

My cousin, M, would probably say that if I know it then change is possible. Yet sometimes I'd love to hear from her that maybe I don't need to change. Maybe, just maybe, someone can see past it all and notice how much I do care. How I'll give my life up for those I love.

Those I love. Ha. Somehow there aren't very many of those. I could probably count them on one hand. Maybe I'm selfish in that respect, I only love a handful of people.

I don't know. I don't. I agree. I'm most likely not going to post sec. I most likely will never keep a friend. I probably won't get a good job. And I definitely will not be good enough. Ever. I know it all. I'm not begging for people to accept that. I'm not looking for love. Yet it seems to be such a big deal to those in my life that I change.

Has it ever occurred to them that perhaps I don't want to. That maybe I have changed yet they keep bringing me back.

I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm rambling because I'm so furious. At myself. At others. At life.

No comments: