Saturday, July 04, 2009

Well if this is the face of a sinner;;And if heaven is only for winners, well I don't care;;cause I won't know anybody there

Oh boy does it feel good to eat.

I didn't sleep all night yesterday. I couldn't. I had too much on my mind. I waited until a decent time to get out of bed and go for a walk. I cried the entire time. I called a few people and apologized to them for everything I've put them through.

Heartless wasn't one of the people I called. I'm afraid to talk to her. We used to talk every minute of the day, so any form of distance adds a huge gap in our relationship.

I had to stop in at Walmart for a few seconds, which is where she works. I thought she wouldn't be there that early, but she was. The second she saw me she turned around and walked back. I walked out of the store.

Today definitely was an emotional roller coaster day.

After work, Homer invited me to go to khane with her to watch a video. I hesitantly agreed. My only reason was so we could spend time together, and I knew how much she hated going to that place.

At first I felt suffocated. Three months of not being there and suddenly I'm there with someone from my past...it just seemed like too much. A while later, I lost track of my surroundings and felt like it was only Homer and I.

Once the video was over, Homer and I went to talk to Kams and someone she calls Ruthless. Ruthless and I "talked" about our views of khane.

In the car ride home, Homer mentioned how Ruthless only opens up to those she feels a "pull" towards. Oh the guilt almost killed me.

How do I manage to do that? To sabotage things without even meaning to? Sigh.

Overall it was a pleasant evening. I love how easy it is to fall back into things.

Let's hope I can sleep tonight. It's one thing to have so much guilt on my mind, but to top it off, I'm finding it difficult to sleep without hearing from Heartless.

I hate habits.

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