Telll me its all going to be ok

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I have no idea why. I just...I have a feeling something is going to go wrong.

It's probably just me. I can't sleep. I can't cry. I don't even think I can feel. I just feel so empty, yet at the same time, so overwhelmed.

I'm pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. And stupid. Did I mention crazy? Yeah. I'm crazy as well.

run awayyyy

Wish a scream would make everything better. I don't know what I'm feeling. I want to cry. But I don't even have enough energy for that. I just...I need a hug. Better yet, a day away from reality.

Burn in Flames

Feels like years since I last posted. I've been so tired and weak. Doesn't help that I've been pigging out like a pig. Just so nervous.

She's in town and I can't help but be fidgety. When I saw her first, I just walked away. Ended up sucking it up and couldn't run when we bumped into each other. Stupid me didn't say a word. Not even hi. I just hugged her and stood there like a baboon. Honestly. I feel so stupid. I've been waiting years to talk to her again, and now that I have the chance, I'm bloody scared. We're both just so different. Didn't fail to notice that her and my aunt are inseperable again. Hmph.


Perhaps I've moved on. I hope so.

As for food. I've been so nervous, thinking that she'll pop out anytime, that I've been filling myself with food every chance I get. I even ended up baking a cake yesterday. I feel sick eating so much, especially after practically starving myself for 2 weeks.

I can barely remember everything I ate. I just know that it was mostly junk (no surprise there).

Well, 3 more days until school starts again. I still have 2 projects to do. I haven't even started them yet. I'm obviously the queen of procrastination. [ROLLEYES]

Just the thought of going back to school is making me fidgety. I don't want to go through that again. Last week before break was bad enough.

I feel so weak. I can't face school. I couldn't face new years. And I couldn't face her. To top it off, I can't stop eating. No wonder I'm gaining weight like crazy.

Another year...joy.

I've never understood what's so happy about new years. It's just another day. What exactly are we celebrating? Getting through the year? Growing up and being able to face another year? What about those who want to do neither? Do we say Sad New Year? Pathetic New Year? Another New Year?

First post of 2008 and all I can do is wallow in my own self pity. I'm pathetic. Let's just blame it on the hunger. Still haven't eaten anything. ARGH.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Year's Eve

So, here I am on New Year's Eve. At home. Despite my want to go to the New Years party, I still ended up at home.

The day started out bad. Woke up early because a friend and I had plans to go help set up for tonight. The second I got out of my room, I got bombarded with comments such as, "Why do you want to go with her? Just come with us," "She won't come. You'll be bored there," ect.

Well, they were right, I didn't end up going. Not too bummed about that. However, the rest of the day was spent worrying about my friend. Is she alright? Would we make it tonight? Will this ruin the whole night?

Like you know from my previous posts, I was extremely anxious about tonight. I dreaded it, but at the same time, I was a bit excited. I wanted to get dressed up. I wanted to dance. I wanted to joke around and have fun. Still, a bigger part of me was scared that like every other year, I'd be disappointed today.

Having my friend complain and put doubts in my mind didn't quite help. I know it sounds selfish. She has a right to have a bad day. I guess I was so lost in my own problems and worries that I couldn't see how badly it was affecting both me and her.

As always, I fucked this day up. At 5:30ish, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:45ish from a wonderful dream. In it, I had the best New Year's ever. Keeping that in mind, I silently said a prayer and went to the computer. I said to myself, if I get a reply in 5minutes, that means I'll have a good time if I go. If not, then I'll stay home.

Just my luck, my friend was busy and couldn't answer. I took it as a sign that it was best if I stayed home. Hence, I went off to my bed again. Ended up drenching myself and my pillow.

I cried...because I wanted to go. Because I was a coward who couldn't stand the thought of rejection-in any way. I cried because of my awful luck. My stupidity. My lonliness. My past. My future. You know...when you start with one thing, you end up with a million.

Well. It's now 10pm. 2 more hours. I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. Hopefully I wont wake up tomorrow. I know that a certain friend will love to rub in all the events of tonight. I rather not feel any worse than I already do.

Funny how I already have another fear-the disappointment I'll be feeling when I get the details of tonight.

I've never before had to worry about that. I just have a feeling that she'll be quite upset, as she should be. I not only let myself down, but her as well.

Btw: My meal today: 1 orange.

Kind of hungry. Don't have any energy to cook up something. meh. There's always tomorrow. (Unfortunately)

I don't want to be alone in a crowd.

Purrrrrfect day.

I hate this day. I feel like shit. Been dressed since 9 in the morning. Whatever. I don't mind that. I just. Fuck. I can't even explain this.
I feel disappointed, scared, lonely, frustrated and guilty.


Time to write on my other blog. =)

My meals today:
Breakfast at 1030--1 piece of pizza
Snack at 1100--3 oranges
1120--2 chocolate bars
345--huge plate of rice and chicken

I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much. I now have the worst back and side pain. I can't sit, stand, turn, or any sort of movement.

To top it off, I dreading tomorrow so much. I don't want to go anywhere on New Years. I'm so nervous. I know it sounds crazy. I wish I knew how to describe what I'm feeling.

Argh. Another year...and I'm in the same place I always am. Just once...I want things to be different.

stupid me

Stupid stupid stupid me.
I actually thought that I'd be able to eat a medium sized pizza. Been craving stuffed crust pizza for weeks now. So tonight I finally decided to order it. I barely ate all day, so I figured I'd be hungry enough to eat at least half the box.

Dun dun dun. Full after half a piece. Bummer. Pizza taste awesome. And...I think I'm still hungry, but I know if I eat even a bite more, I'll end up being sick.

You have no idea how much it's bugging me. I used to be able to eat 2 large boxes of pizza in one sitting, and now, I can barely eat one piece.

I'm so tired of this. I want to eat normally. The way I used to.
My meals today:

3:30-5 perogies
11:50-1 piece of pizza

It's pathetic. I used to eat 4 maybe 5 meals a day. And they were huge. I can't find a reason to it. I know its not because I think I'm fat. If that were the case, I'd eat healthy and watch my calories and whatnot. I just can't eat too much. And I barely get hungry.

I just want this to stop.

So much for going out today. Mother left at 8am with her friend. I called her and she said "I won't be home till the evening." Hmph.
Old Hag is going out with her sister. Sooo...I'm left. Alone. Again.
Better than being with those two I guess. =)

Is it so wrong for me to not want to be alone? I've practically been begging people to do something with me. Even a walk wouldn't be bad (however much I detest them). God. Today's been the worst day.

I'm just a kid. I want to live my life as one. Why is it so hard? Where's the off button when you need it?

If God's so merciful, then why won't He take me home? I'm sure that place wouldn't be too bad.
Just. So. Tired.

Even books aren't taking my mind off things.

Arrgghh

Just not fair! I feel like screaming and crying at the same time. Seeeeeeeee. Not even December 31st and it's already starting.

I'm going to bed. Nothing better to do. Maybe I can hide in my dreams. They've got to be better than reality...right?
Oh who am I kidding? My dreams are usually worse.

Tomorrow, I for sure am going to do something. Perhaps I'll ask mother to drop me off at the mall and pick me up in the evening. I hate being home. I feel like I'm suffocating in here. It's winter break and all I do is stay at home. Pathetic really. Like mother like daughter? Seems that'll be my life.

blahhhh

So exhausted.
Grandma made fish and fries for me and my uncle. I ended up taking 3 bites and was full. I'm really not used to eating too much. I forced myself to eat more because my uncle kept giving me weird looks and said he wouldn't leave until I ate. So I ate a few more bites.

That was at 2. It's now 5:20 and I'm still really full.

Been watching Hannah Montana and Fresh Prince all day. Thinking about going khane but don't really feel like it. I know I should since I haven't gone for days. Just don't feel like doing anything.

So nervous.
Keep getting a weird feeling. For the past few days. Maybe its just nerves since new years is coming up.

I can't even write. =(

I'm Fine-MJB

This song reminds me of myself and a close friend. ;)

Benazir Bhutto

RIP

I remember learning about this lady from my great-uncle. He used to adore her. Believed that she would bring the change that is very much needed in Pakistan. It wasn't only him who had such hope, thousands of people believed so as well.
However, like every hopeful thing in this world, this light had opponents as well. And this is what caused the downfall of such a brave woman.

This woman went against her religion. Instead she followed her own beliefs and stood up for them. Being a woman in her region, that is something which is very difficult to do.

We've all heard of the harsh laws and beliefs of the people in the East. One of the things they oppose most is the role of women. According to them, women shouldn't hold any roles and do as the men say. Bhutto went against that and tried her hardest to bring democracy and peace in Pakistan.

This woman won't be forgotten. She'll live to be a role model for many young ladies and hopefully one day, another Bhutto will be born.

I couldn't fall asleep at 3, so I ended up staying awake in room listening to the radio. They're playing the same thing over and over again. Got tired of that. So went to go shower. Wasted about an hour in there.

It's now 5pm and I'm going back to my room. I wish places were open. A restaurant should be right?? I should call for delivery. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm eating their food. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

People were right. They don't care. Dumb me and my silly kid ideas.

Happy Christmas

Never had such an eventful day.
Woke up at 8, went on the comp for 30min. Wrote on blog, messaged a few people. Then went to my room and finished my book.

At 9:20 I went back to bed and woke up again at 12. Looked at the time, and went back to bed.

It's now 240 and all I want to do is go back to bed. Even sleeping is hard. I keep reliving all the crapy days of my life.

I don't remember ever feeling this alone and unwanted.
Haven't eaten a proper meal since the 15th. Haven't eaten anything in 2 days. I'm not even hungry. Perhaps my time is coming up.

LMAO. That was a good joke. The day God calls me back will be the day there's going to be world peace. Exactly. Never going to happen.

Fuck. I apologize for being so blah. I guess I'm going to go back to bed.

Wake me up when it's all over.

Woke up this morning reliving most of my recent new year celebrations.

There was one year where 8 of my friends went to a sleepover without inviting me. That was the year that I lost them all. After a while, I figured out why I wasn't invited: the father of one of my friend's didn't like me.

Then there was the year where I stayed home so I could talk to my friend the whole night (she wasn't allowed to go anywhere). The night ended up in us in a permanent fight. Did I mention that we were friends for 6 years.

Then came the year where I went to a Eid/New Year's party. I spent the whole night being tormented by people. They laughed at me, made fun of me, and so I ended up hiding out with my mother, who ignored me for her boyfriend.

One year, I spent it at my house with one of my friends. Two days later, we stopped talking.

Wow. Basically, all my new years have been crappy. Can't wait for this one. I think I've already lost one friend. I don't want to lose another. I wish I could explain how nervous I've been. Since December started, I've wanted to hide away and never come out.