the taste of freedom...the life i used to know

Often, in hopes of something better, we fail to see what's right infront of our eyes. We are usually so engrossed in trying to get the "perfect" life. The perfect man. The perfect house. The perfect outfit. What we fail to understand is that there is no such thing as perfect. We just need to take what we have and make the best of it, before its too late. And it usually will be. Because in order to understand that, we usually need to lose something "perfect."

All my life I've been running. Running from my friends, my family, my dreams, myself. Running, and hoping to find my perfect life. The life I see many others living. But that's just the thing. Everything looks so much better from the outside. No one looks deeper when the outside looks so beautiful. We live a life full of expectations. Yet, we fail to fulfill our own needs. Better yet, we fail to figure out what it is that we need. So, I guess we all need to stop running and enjoy what we have. Because sometimes, what may be hell for you, could be heaven for someone else.

Fake it

I wrote this a few days ago, changed a few things and here it is:

I don't do half relationships. Not anymore. I hate the feeling it gives you. So, the second that a relationship goes anywhere close to dying, I back away. Sometimes it might be fixed, but my attitude and feelings toward the person doesn't change much. I'll suck things up for the sake of the other person, and let fate decide the rest.

Sounds shitty doesn't it? It works. Plus, it's quite surprising how many people actually fake things like that.

If I could, I'd roll my eyes and never stop. People are pathetic.
=)

and its all just words anyway

It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture, all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones who run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves.

=D

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave Barry

blah blah blah are we done yet?

Terribly tired. Can't sleep.
I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to stay home. Praying like crazy that I get a doc's appoin. Then I'll probably chill at the mall or something. Maybe go watch a movie. Ooohh. Yeah that sounds awesome. A movie. Lord knows how much I adore movies. LOL.

I feel so empty right now. And emotional. But the emotional part is a daily occurance. One would think that I'd be used to it by now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I just watched Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. And it got me wondering: What exactly is my comfort food? I've noticed that I don't eat as much when I'm stresed or blah. I used to be an emotional eater...what happened?

Xmass

Absolutely loved the movie Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. It was sad, cute, and funny. A perfect combo in my eyes.
Although, it makes me feel even lonlier than I felt before. Pathetic isn't it?

Meh. Guess I'll go about it the old fashioned way-wait for the "perfect man." Or better yet, the "next man."

Tired.
Making new blog. =)

Eid Mubarak.

I had such a good idea for a blog post, but unfortunately, I forgot it. -_-
Hm. Anyway. What is it about hurting a person which brings so much satisfaction? Today, mother and I went to Walmart to get her car fixed and while we were waiting I saw Cinderella 2 and 3. I got super excited because I've been looking for those dvds for months now. Mom laughed and walked away. I told her, "you should've got me that for my birthday." She said, "every time I asked you what you wanted, you'd say nothing or say you wanted books." This started a fight (yep right in Walmart). I started bitching and asked why I never got what I wanted (books). I said, "If I couldn't get the books, what makes you think I would've got the dvds." Which soon led to, "You're my mother, you should know what I want. I know most of what you'd like."

Seeing her in pain made me happy. I know it sounds sick and low, but getting my anger out felt good. But at the same time, I felt bad. Because she keeps complaining about lack of money.

By the time mother and I got back in the car, I was pissed again. She actually had the audicity to decline my request of getting the dvds, which were $50 together, and instead she booked an appoinment to get her hair done. Which, might I mention, costs approx $120, and she last got it done first week of December. I haven't gotten my hair done in over 7 months. She promised to let me get it done for my birthday. Infact, she's promised a lot. Maybe I should listen to my friend when she says, "Don't expect anything from anyone."

Maybe I will go to school on Friday. Hell. Maybe I'll go to school tmr as well. Been home with them for less than 5min and I'm already crying. God. Imagine the weeks of winter break. I'll be in bed the whole time.
They frustrate me so much. I don't even talk to them and they do something to piss me off. Fuck.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I know that if I don't go tomorrow than I'll have to go on Friday. I rather miss Thursday and Friday, then just start my winter break.

I don't know what it is about being alone that frightens me so much. I don't mind being alone at the theatres, or at a restaurant, but there are some places where being alone is so hard.

My school plays Christmas songs during the breaks. My favorite songs. Yet, I'm usually in class by then so I don't get to hear it. Sucks doesn't it. When you don't have anyone to share special, stupid times with. Maybe thats why people get married. To have security. To know that there will be someone at your side at all times. Perhaps I was being too selfish when I stopped my mom from getting married all those times. It's not like any of them were good men though.

I hate how I'm always feeling so guilty. -_- No matter what it is, the guilt is always there. *sigh* Just one more thing I have to work on I guess.

What is it about a 'thank you' that makes most people feel so warm??
With me, those words make me feel guilty. What I do, or say, are things that are really minor and feel like nothing to me. So when someone thanks me for doing something like that, it makes me wonder if they actually meant it. Guilt as well because I myself barely show my appreciation. I wasn't taught to do it. From a young age, words like thank you, please, and sorry weren't taught to me. They weren't a daily occurance. So when someone says any of the above to me, I feel...small.

Today, two people thanked me for being there for them. Yet when I think about it, I feel like I didn't do anything. It felt like nothing to me. I know that sometimes even the small things might mean a lot to someone, but its difficult to accept that I could do something nice.

Gord. I don't even know how to explain it without feeling like I'm repeating the same things.

Going back to one of the people who thanked me. Her precise words were: Thank you. I was confused and asked what for. Her reply was: "For being there today. Just like you always used to be"
This girl and I have barely spoken for years. And hearing her say something like that, it reminded me of something someone else said to me recently. "I miss who you were. You were the best friend a person could have. Where did that fun Alishah go?"

I'd like to think I haven't changed that much. But I can't be sure about that. I can't remember who I was (like I've mentioned in my earlier posts). Scary isn't it? Forgetting yourself.

Computer Aids

My computer has aids. -_- Last night it kept shutting off, which made me really frustrated considering I was trying to have a convo. =(
Anyway, this may be one of my last posts in a while. Gotta try to get my comp fixed. Gord knows how I'm going to do that.

Grandma dearest decided to watch my fav soap with me. It made me so mad. But I controlled my anger (yeah first time ever), and I let her watch. (I can't even write cause she's near me. Just the site of her makes my blood boil. I know I'm being rude but I'm extremely picky with the people I'm around. I have half a mind to grab the glass in my hand and throw it at her. I've been having these thoughts a lot today. Wanting to hurt someone, physically. It sounds so tempting.

Anyway. Today was another day spent alone. Joy. One more day of this torture. Know what's worse? Coming home and being alone...AGAIN. I only need a day or two off from people, not a whole week. Argh. My plan is to stay home on Thursday because of Eid and to stay home on Friday because I'm going to be "sick." LOL.

Fear...?

While talking to a friend about New Years plans, she said this: I think you have a fear of abandonment that resonates from the time of childhood- starting with the abandonment of your Father...throughout the years that fear has been re-enforced by the loss of friends...This fear of abandonment causes you to close yourself off from others, it causes you to judge others and assume the worst of most situations

It sounds true. But difficult to accept.
Trying to see the positives in any situation is hard-for any person. It's human instinct to always have a back-up plan and to take care of yourself no matter what. That's what I'm doing...right?
As for my father, I've heard that theory many times. Usually starts off with elderly people saying, "Those girls with no fathers, they're always looking for men to fill that void." Then they look at me and shake their heads. Hmph.

LOL. Father. I haven't written about him in months. Think about it every day though. Feels a bit...unfair. Siblings...a father..I wonder how it'd feel to grow up like that-with those people in my life. I guess this brings another fear in my life: growing up and having a family. I wouldn't know the first thing to do. Or what to expect. I guess that's why I resent my half-siblings so much-because they had what I didn't. A part of me hates them for stealing what was originally supposed to be mine.

A few people have recently told me that everything happens for a reason and when things get tough, just to give all my problems to God. But that makes me feel so guilty. Doesn't He have enough to worry about? I'm sure He does. I get along fine with Him just looking out for me occassionally. I ask for enough as it is. =)

Just smile and nod right? Make sure everyone believes the false.
Life is like an echo. All comes back
The good, the bad, the false.
So give the world the best you can,
And the best will come to you.
And isn't that just what I'm doing? Giving the best. Cause in the end, no matter what you do, it'll come back. So might as well pretend it's all good, so maybe the good will come back.


(If this doesn't make sense, don't worry. Cause I don't get it either. I just had to blog something)

*sigh*
Such a crappy day. A few good parts, but overall, I felt guilty for smiling when I did.

A lady I really adore told me that I shouldn't worry about anything and smile even if I don't feel happy. Because just by smiling, it'll make me feel good. I tried that. And it worked. But deep inside I felt so bad. Why is it hard to smile when someone close to you isn't?

P.S. I find it pathetic that most of the people I know are in relationships. I want one tooooo. (hint hint Santa)

P.P.S. I'm thinking of making another blog. Or changing the name of this one.

Ohh Deaarr

I have never understood people's fear of aging.
Humans have been on earth for centuries, yet the traditional phases of life still haven't been accepted by many.
Just today, my English teacher mentioned how good it felt when someone said: you're only 50, you still have half your life to live.
Why though? Why should it feel good? Can't we accept how the "circle of life" is supposed to work.

It starts with age and ends with size. No one is ever going to be content. So much for accepting yourself...no matter what.

"You can't help who or what you are, just like a skunk can't help its smell."

Feels like someone scooped out all my insides and left it a bit too empty.
Gord. I can't sleep, and I can't type. I don't know what to say. I can't hold up a conversation, and I can't think of anything. My mind is so blank. Makes me mad that I don't know the cause of this. There's a reason for everything isn't there? So where's the reason for this?

Teri yaad aati hein

Now I know how she felt. Bit too late now though. She's coming to town soon. Another reason I don't want to be out too much these next few weeks. Just incase. I can't have her out of all the people see me like this. Wow. I haven't written about her in ages. I miss her so much. Maybe that's another reason I'm like this. I wish I knew. I want to stay home so bad tomorrow. I wish it was just me in the house. Better yet, I want to go to Timmy's.

I remember when I stopped going to Timmy's for a year. I stopped going everywhere. Any place that reminded me of either of them. God. It really feels like those days. I've been missing them both. It feels good to live in the past than to accept the present.

A part of me really doesn't want to accept this new person in my life. Knowing that she could become another them, it's scary. I don't want to give so much power to another person. I have a hard time giving it to myself. Sometimes I just want to push her away and tell her to fuck off. But where would that leave me? Not talking to her for a day got me in pieces. Imagine a whole lifetime. Sucks how much a person can mean. No matter how hard you try not to let them in. I did a good job with my other friends. My last "best friend," I didn't even blink when she left. I thought I was getting good at it. Apparently not. I guess I need more practice. Maybe, subconsciously, that's what I was doing these past few days. Especially last night.

Wish I were degradable. I'd break to pieces and whither away.

Hmm

I fail to understand a person's need to understand everything.

I spent approx 2 hours with a friend, talking in circles. Did it get either of us anywhere? No. We both probably still feel like shit and half the time were extremely fake. Instead of looking out for ourselves, we went for the obvious and most familiar-making sure the other was alright. Why is it that we fail to ignore ourselves, just so we can follow the norm. Better yet: What is the norm?

The better part of the evening was spent watching Borat-one of the funniest movies ever made. Yet, throughout half the movie, I was either forcing myself to laugh or completely lost. I didn't know half of what was going on. My mind and heart just weren't into it. Sure, I enjoyed seeing my friend happy, but I'm still the same way I was. I couldn't help but wonder how fake she was being.

That's what this world is made of isn't it? Fakeness. We fake smiles, laughter and sometimes even love. Where exactly did the realness go? Has reality turned fake as well?