How bad exactly is it to overdrink?? Cause right now, I'm willing to do anything to get away from fucking reality. Funny how half a bottle hasn't helped. Too bad I can't have any more. Stupid work tmr.

Honestly. The more I try to help-the more I fuck things up.

Blah blah blah.
I'm starving. Tummy feels empty. But when I go to eat...I feel really full. Maybe it's not my stomach that feels empty...

Fuck. I knew I should've stayed home on Friday. This all got worse on that day. Had a break from people for more than 24hrs. Still not helping. Making me feel more like shit. Funny how that happens eh? You want to be alone, but the second that you are, you feel even more lonlier. Haven't gone to Khane in 2 days. This really feels like those days again. Doesn't help that it's getting closer to New Years. I hate that day.

On a positive note: It's almost been a year since me and my bestie met. =D

I absolutely don't deal well with rejection-of any kind.

Oop
gots work tme
eekjk
sleep helus right:?
nightz

Bacardi and coke is actually really good. And makes you feel bubbly.
Hmph. I guess being alone isn't all too bad. Surprising that I haven't had a drink since last New Years. (Not surprisingly, I was alone that night).

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So. Why doesn't it feel that way??

Friday I kept getting panic/anxiety attacks. Sucks that I'm being a bitch to all my friends. 6 More days until they can get a break from me. It'll be a much needed break.

Tis the Season

10 days until Christmas and here I am sitting at home. Alone. Watching a Christmas movie.

What is it about this season that makes everyone-even those who don't celebrate it-so giddy? The lights, the music, everything is so beautiful. However there's one hitch-the whole "sappiness" part. Christmas is said to be a time when everyone comes together and celebrates. When past mistakes and issues are forgotten and new memories made. Yet why does it feel like it's not meant for everyone? Why is it that when I'm willing to be nice, change my ways, and give it a try, others just push me away. Or perhaps it's just me.

Maybe for the rest of this month I'll try doing something nice. Visit an orphanage, go to a senior's home. Something. If I can't celebrate with people who are supposed to be my friends, I might as well try to brighten up someone else's life. Right?

P.S. His and Her Christmas is an awesome movie. A bit old, but for those holiday saps, check it out.

Even my body likes to skip. -_-

The WOMAN is Angry

Why is that when a person is quiet or needing to be alone, other people freak out and start asking you questions. Yet when "other people" do the same thing, the person needs to suck it up and move on?

And why is it that when a person doesn't start a convo first others automatically assume you hate them?? What if I didn't see you online?? Or I was busy? Or better yet, didn't have anything to say. Couldn't you have started the convo first?

Honestly. I'm tired of trying to deal with other people's probs. Sure. I love you. But there's a limit to how much. I refuse to walk around alone trying to figure out what the hell could be wrong with you. If there is something wrong with you, either tell me what it is, or let me know you need to be alone. Either one is alright. But playing games is not ok.

Aite. Just had to let that out. Have a good day/night/evening/morning/ect.

aarrgghh x2

I absolutely hate when I'm PMSing, tired, starving, and I come home to the crappiest food (home-made fries that I absolutely dispise). Ok. Sure. On most days I would eat it, but lately, ever since grandma dearest came back, we've been eating food that doesn't satisfy me. Hence I've taken to eating supper out or sneaking in some fast food. However, today I was broke (since I broke my debit card) and had barely eaten the whole day. My PMS doesn't help at all because it's making me cranky and the lack of sleep I've had to deal with for the last week or so has made me even more irritible.
I know I probably sound like a bitchy woman in need of sleep, food, and a new life, but it's honestly who I am. I'm a complete ass on most days. And being around people who irritate me doesn't help. Take my mother for example: I've told her every week for 2 years that the second week of every month is when I start PMS-ing and being more moodier than usual. However, that information fails to get to her. She continues to annoy me, say screwed up jokes that do not make sense, and worst of all, she wears my grandmother's clothes that week. If that doesn't cause insanity, what will?
I guess I can't blame everything on PMS. It's me as well. I suppose ever since the old hag came back things have been really blah. I've always hated my great-grandmother. Never been fond of her. I almost hurt her physically. And now my grandmother. For the past 2 years, she has been a bit too...unpleasant. She is always cleaning. Even when the house is bloody spotless. Alright. Fine. She cleans. But she gets in my way. When I'm sitting on the computer, she'll come up behind me and start wiping the chair or something. When I tell her to leave she starts bitching about my lack of morals. Which confuses the hell outa me. What exactly does cleaning have anything to do with morals??? Sorry God, I'm a messy woman. Guess I can't make it to heaven in this lifetime. Maybe next time. [Insert sarcasm]

Since I'm ranting about family, I might as well rant about other sectors of my life. AKA Friends. I've been really weird around them lately. Especially one of my friends. She thinks a lot of me and I'd like to think it was mutual. But sometimes, I feel resentment towards her. I have a problem: the more people share their views of me with me, the more I'll push them away. For example: If someone tells me how much I mean to them, I'll immediately back away and stop feeling the same way about them. I know I don't mean it, but it not only affects my thoughts on them, but my relationship as well. *sigh* I wish I knew why I'm so afraid of affection. It bothers me. I hate seeing it and I hate having it. Another factor which results in my wanting to pull out my hair.

I think people are right-I DO need to see a bloody therapist or something.

AAARRRGGGG

*sigh*

This explains me in more ways than I can write down.
Just so tired. Of everything. I'm really in need of a change of atmosphere. Everything here is getting to me. It's too...repetitive. -_-

Way to cheer us negative ppl up...

Birthday..nope. Deathday sounds better

Wow. After days of trying to get into my blog...it finally worked.
I've really needed to vent. What about I have no idea. I just need to write. Write...but not to anyone specific. Even if I wanted to write to someone, I couldn't explain myself. I've just been so blah recently. What's worse is that it's 12:30am and no one has said happy birthday to me. The number of days I've stayed up late just to wish someone on their bday...and I get nothing.

Such a small thing, yet, I'm making a huge deal out of it. I don't even care much for birthdays. I guess feeling blah to start off with didn't help the situation much.

As for me feeling blah:
I've been losing a ton of energy because of my lack of nutrition. I can't eat much anymore. It hurts to eat. Even if I'm hungry and warm food up, putting it in my mouth is really hard. I just cannot get myself to do it. My lack of food intake has been causing me to get nasty migranes. Which in turn makes me bitchy.
Not to mention my mood. I'm either really happy, or really put off. Just random emotions of sadness, lonliness, and anxiety pass by me, and it makes me question everything in life. It's been coming back--the depression. And this time it's worse because I don't know the reason-and because it has a lot more to it. Migranes, no food, foul mood, and on top of that, being cut of from certain people.

Losing friends-I thought I was over that. When it first happened I couldn't have cared two shits about it. But lately, it all hurts. Seeing them, makes me wonder why I never had that. It feels like my childhood and teenage years are rushing past me. I'm not complaining about my life right now. I absolutely adore the friends I have, yet it always feels like something is missing. And that empty feeling has really been getting to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be stronger and take on the world with a cheerful attitude. But I can't. It hurts to even laugh for too long. It's not even the emotion hurt...it's also the physical. Makes me feel guilty because its affecting those around me. They don't deserve that.

*sigh*
Just need a break from life.
Cannot wait for this day to be over. The fake wishes and thank you's. Just a bit too much for me to handle.

Isn't it ironic...

We ignore who adores us. Adore who ignores us. Love who hurts us and hurt who loves us.

Lately, things haven't been too great. And I've come to realize that we humans are the stupidest creatures ever when it comes to things that matter. I've been taking all my anger and frustration out on those closest to me-which isn't fair at all.

So. This blog goes out to those special people in my lives who have been there for me through everything.

ilu.

We've all had those days where everything goes wrong. You hear stuff being said about you, people yell, things go wrong. All this causes you to have evil thoughts. You ponder over the crappy day for hours. Then...you hear a nice word or phrase being said to you and you break loose.

What exactly is the power of kind words? Especially when it comes from someone you least expected it to come from.

Fly me Away to Happily Ever After

Stepford vs Normal-What's inbetween?

Why is it that what we show to the outside world is way different from what we show to those "close" to us? Why do we always put on a show? Is it for the benefit of others, or for ourselves? Do others really care what you really are like? Do they think in their heads "Oh look, its those peoople going at it again!" Do others expect us to be perfect?

Look, dress, act like the Stepford family.

Don't shout. Don't speak. Smile. Nod. Even go as far as curtsying.

Is there such a family? Why do we judge others when behind closed doors, each of us is the same way. I doubt that there is a single family in the world which carries an ideal picture.

Sure, we all dream of it, watch it on tv. But can any of us say that we've witnessed such a scene in our everyday lives?

Next time you're out shopping or out on the streets and you see an argument between a family, don;t jump to conclusions thinking about how they need therapy. Instead, keep walking and think of your own family. I'm sure you've all acted in that manner.

Saddest Song Ever! 911 =[

Rant #101

Bloody hell. Oh bloody bloody hell!
I can't take this. She..that..that blah! Honestly, if I could, I'd plunge a 10 foot pole into her. Always! She ALWAYS gets EVERYTHING! Its just not bloody fair anymore.

I try to make a conversation, and what does she do?? She freakin goes and starts talking about how close they are! Ok yeah sure I said that I'm over him and I'm ok talking about him...but I didn't expect people to be so damn dumb! For people to actually have believed me is preposterous! CRAZY! INSANE!

Why in the name of Merlin would anyone listen to me? HELLO!..I'm the crazy, psychotic, pathetic dumbo!!

Next time I even come close to starting a conversation about you and him...RUN! HIDE! DISTRACT ME!

Amen.