Excuses Excuses Excuses

Ever run out of excuses for school or work? Well read on to find sme splendid excuses:

-Excuse my daughter for being absent for three weeks. She's going to have a baby
-I did my homework, but I just forgot to write it down!
-Student: " Miss! Would you punish someone for something they didn't do?"
-I'm going through puberty!
-Please excuse shyann from gym today she was watching t.v. yestuday and strained her eyes so now she can't focus well.
-"I have anal glaucoma-- I don't see my ass coming to class today."
-I can't go to school today because I irritated my aunt.
-Please excuse my tardiness, My Mother took Drugs while she was pregnant with me.
-My underwear was too tight, it was cutting off the circulation to my brain!
-Please excuse Samantha from swimming today because of her plumbing problems.
-Sorry I was late; the bell rang before I got here.
-I'm sorry Tyler can't go to school today because his hormones are raging.
-Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

-It is against my religion to work on Mondays and Wednesdays.
-I have amnesia, who r u? .........work?..............I work?
-I'm just about to reach enlightenment, so I cant possibly come to work because it will disturb my practices.
-I'm sorry but my eyes are just in bad shape right now. I just cant see myself going into work today.
-I can't come into work today, I have anal glacoma. What? I can't see my butt coming into work!!!
-I'll be late for work today becuase I was on my way to the car, and see it was hot out so I decided I needed to take a break.
-My arm is too tired to shift, so I can't drive to work today
-I won't be able to come into work today because i have to visit my sister in hospital, she had an epileptic seizure as she was holding her baby, threw the baby in front of her which i caught, she then jumped through one of my stained glass windows and landed in my fish pond killing the koi carp. Sorry.
-I just called to say I couldn't make it to work today. My computer has a virus and I have been up all night cleaning up after and tending to it.
-I'll be out today because I got stuck in traffic on the Parkway and I was overcome by the fumes and had to go home
-I cant come to work tomorrow its messing up my social life
-I can't come in to work. I don't have enough money.
-I only missed the one day but [fill in another persons name ] missed four days in a row and you didn't say anything to them!
-Oh, you mean it's Next' Monday I have off!! (Note: must be said with an incredulous expression)
-I couldn't find a spot to park (Note: This is often true at my workplace!)
-I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
-I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
-Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
-When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
-There's a Gilligan's Island marathon coming on TV, and I have to go home and set my VCR.
-I really wanted to come to work this morning, but physical circumstances wouldn't allow it.
I just wanted to see if you could get along without me, so you would know how valuable I am to you.
-I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
-I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
-Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
-I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).

And one of my favorites: I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition. As well as: My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.

-I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday.