Friday, December 29, 2006

fuck love

I remember when I used to crave wanting to go back. I thought everything would be alright. Things would be better.
When things became a bit like they were before, I blocked everything out. I wish I never remembered. I wish I didn't care. I was happy. After remembering and going back to all that, it scared me....

Fuck!
I'm a wreck right now. I'm bitching at everyone. I think I might've even lost her. I don't even feel bad. She's being so annoying and only says stuff that I want to hear. She cares too much. I can't have that. Not anymore. It hurts when people care too much. Cause when they leave, both of us will hurt.


I've been worrying about her too much lately. Its stressing me out. I don't want to tell her. I can't even tell her about my stuff.
I hate how overprotective I am of her. I know she'll hurt me again. Always does.


Mother dearest has officially given up on me. Its been a week. No calls...haven't even seen her. Karim said I can't even live with him. And Shemina doesn't want me either. I guess I'm not wanted here or there. Fuck! She always does this! I'm so tired of it! She'll come back. They'll break up and she'll come. My grandma can't say anything and as for me, well, I don't have a choice in the matter.
She honestly thinks that I don't care about any of it. She thinks I've never wanted a father. I have. I want a daddy too. One that'll tuck me in at night and hug me goodnight. One that'll spoil me like crazy but also yell at me when I'm being an idiot. But its too late for all that. She can't expect me to accept her boyfriend. I'm not ready to let another person in. The people I have in my life right now are enough. I'm even tired of some of them.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Fuck!
She worries me so much.
When we were talking, I worried about her. And when we didn't talk, I still worried. I just want her to be happy, but nothing ever seems to work. She's been so distant from everyone. I wouldn't even mind if she talked to other people, but she's not.
Sometimes I feel that if I talked to her like before, made plans for a sleepover or something, then perhaps the old her would come back.

Goddamnit! I hate how I care more about her happiness then my own.
I woke up this morning really happy, but as soon as I went on nex and read people's blog...I felt blah. A and her both seem like there's something wrong. But neither of them ever tell me what it is. I've given up trying to ask them.
Funny how I was so jealous when they were best friends, but now I'd give anything for them to have that again.

:(

So, a friend and I are having a conversation about guys.
Do they really feel things? It seems like females are the only ones who get hurt and feel as deeply about things. And if males do feel the same, then perhaps they cope better.
I wish I knew how their minds worked.

*sigh*

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Boy...

When I look into your eyes
I see sumthin’ that money can’t buy
And I know if you give us a try
I’ll work harder for you boy
then you ever had a chance to find


The boyfriend is coming tonight. Went out and bought a ton of chocolate. I'll need as much as I can get. Ugh! Stupid mother!...Major stress factor in my life. Remind me never to have kids. I'll get even more stressed than I do with mummy.


Blogging sucks. There's nothing to write about.

Hhmm, Christmas tomorrow.
What exactly is the point of Christmas? Most people only celebrate it for the presents. You spend money, get gifts you might not even like, then forget all about it until next year.
Joy!


Ack!
I'm so blah today. I miss my chodu!(Sorry for stealing your word lish)




15 days till school!!!


I can't wait!!!


:D


Friday, December 22, 2006

&& its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happenbut its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want
ugh!

Things were finally going good with me and her. We talked...and things kind of seemed like before. And that scared me. I don't want things to be exactly like before. I hate living with that fear that she'll do it again. Perhaps that's why I say things I don't mean. To let her know that things will never be the same. I know she's changed, but that fear hasn't gone away.

Then there's A who is a bit jealous of her because she means so much to me. I think A is scared that she will steal me away from her. (does that even make sense?!? I hate not being able to use names!)


AAAHHHH

I got so much chocolate!! Mummy and I went shopping twice this week...before school. And we bought tons and tons of chocolate. I got her to give her share to me cause her boyfriend is coming and I'm sure she doesn't want to look fat for him. lmfao.


I really need to write in my blog more often. Screw laziness. ahah.

Winter break...sucks!

:(

Kuthro kidanjo! 2 weeks vaste inke neh nara...ghandsaf better miss me.

:P

Friday, December 08, 2006

So confusing!!

AAAHHH!!
Why in the world are guys so confusing???

Does anyone know how to tell if a guy likes you???
Be specific please!! I'm tired of hearing that they flirt and touch you a lot...because I do that with almost every guy so I'm sure guys do that with random girls too.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

you only hurt the ones you love

Everyone has secrets, things they are afraid to tell others. As frightening as some may be to share, sometimes you need to. It might hurt the other person, but its better to tell them yourself than to have them find out on their own or through other people.

There is one person in my life who finds it easier to hide stuff from me than to face my anger and hatred. We both know what my reaction will be, but it's their duty to involve me in issues such as this.

I know we'll never have the sort of relationship that others have, but perhaps one day we will. Until then, I need to know that it's ok for me to sort things out for myself....without you. With you, my reason for living becomes jumbled.

just give me some time, I'll adjust to your life

Saturday, December 02, 2006

stupid birthdays...

What's so great about birthdays anyway? Its just a day. Nothing special ever happens. You look the same...feel the same.
UGH!
I hate birthdays. Its the stupidest day ever. Even stupider than Valentine's Day.

Been sitting infront of the computer the whole day with not a single phone call. Only 3 people remembered.
The one person I was hoping to hear from hasn't called or emailed. No point in waiting. As usual...this day is the awkwardest.