HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Year's Eve

So, here I am on New Year's Eve. At home. Despite my want to go to the New Years party, I still ended up at home.

The day started out bad. Woke up early because a friend and I had plans to go help set up for tonight. The second I got out of my room, I got bombarded with comments such as, "Why do you want to go with her? Just come with us," "She won't come. You'll be bored there," ect.

Well, they were right, I didn't end up going. Not too bummed about that. However, the rest of the day was spent worrying about my friend. Is she alright? Would we make it tonight? Will this ruin the whole night?

Like you know from my previous posts, I was extremely anxious about tonight. I dreaded it, but at the same time, I was a bit excited. I wanted to get dressed up. I wanted to dance. I wanted to joke around and have fun. Still, a bigger part of me was scared that like every other year, I'd be disappointed today.

Having my friend complain and put doubts in my mind didn't quite help. I know it sounds selfish. She has a right to have a bad day. I guess I was so lost in my own problems and worries that I couldn't see how badly it was affecting both me and her.

As always, I fucked this day up. At 5:30ish, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:45ish from a wonderful dream. In it, I had the best New Year's ever. Keeping that in mind, I silently said a prayer and went to the computer. I said to myself, if I get a reply in 5minutes, that means I'll have a good time if I go. If not, then I'll stay home.

Just my luck, my friend was busy and couldn't answer. I took it as a sign that it was best if I stayed home. Hence, I went off to my bed again. Ended up drenching myself and my pillow.

I cried...because I wanted to go. Because I was a coward who couldn't stand the thought of rejection-in any way. I cried because of my awful luck. My stupidity. My lonliness. My past. My future. You know...when you start with one thing, you end up with a million.

Well. It's now 10pm. 2 more hours. I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. Hopefully I wont wake up tomorrow. I know that a certain friend will love to rub in all the events of tonight. I rather not feel any worse than I already do.

Funny how I already have another fear-the disappointment I'll be feeling when I get the details of tonight.

I've never before had to worry about that. I just have a feeling that she'll be quite upset, as she should be. I not only let myself down, but her as well.

Btw: My meal today: 1 orange.

Kind of hungry. Don't have any energy to cook up something. meh. There's always tomorrow. (Unfortunately)

I don't want to be alone in a crowd.

Purrrrrfect day.

I hate this day. I feel like shit. Been dressed since 9 in the morning. Whatever. I don't mind that. I just. Fuck. I can't even explain this.
I feel disappointed, scared, lonely, frustrated and guilty.


Time to write on my other blog. =)

My meals today:
Breakfast at 1030--1 piece of pizza
Snack at 1100--3 oranges
1120--2 chocolate bars
345--huge plate of rice and chicken

I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much. I now have the worst back and side pain. I can't sit, stand, turn, or any sort of movement.

To top it off, I dreading tomorrow so much. I don't want to go anywhere on New Years. I'm so nervous. I know it sounds crazy. I wish I knew how to describe what I'm feeling.

Argh. Another year...and I'm in the same place I always am. Just once...I want things to be different.

stupid me

Stupid stupid stupid me.
I actually thought that I'd be able to eat a medium sized pizza. Been craving stuffed crust pizza for weeks now. So tonight I finally decided to order it. I barely ate all day, so I figured I'd be hungry enough to eat at least half the box.

Dun dun dun. Full after half a piece. Bummer. Pizza taste awesome. And...I think I'm still hungry, but I know if I eat even a bite more, I'll end up being sick.

You have no idea how much it's bugging me. I used to be able to eat 2 large boxes of pizza in one sitting, and now, I can barely eat one piece.

I'm so tired of this. I want to eat normally. The way I used to.
My meals today:

3:30-5 perogies
11:50-1 piece of pizza

It's pathetic. I used to eat 4 maybe 5 meals a day. And they were huge. I can't find a reason to it. I know its not because I think I'm fat. If that were the case, I'd eat healthy and watch my calories and whatnot. I just can't eat too much. And I barely get hungry.

I just want this to stop.

So much for going out today. Mother left at 8am with her friend. I called her and she said "I won't be home till the evening." Hmph.
Old Hag is going out with her sister. Sooo...I'm left. Alone. Again.
Better than being with those two I guess. =)

Is it so wrong for me to not want to be alone? I've practically been begging people to do something with me. Even a walk wouldn't be bad (however much I detest them). God. Today's been the worst day.

I'm just a kid. I want to live my life as one. Why is it so hard? Where's the off button when you need it?

If God's so merciful, then why won't He take me home? I'm sure that place wouldn't be too bad.
Just. So. Tired.

Even books aren't taking my mind off things.

Arrgghh

Just not fair! I feel like screaming and crying at the same time. Seeeeeeeee. Not even December 31st and it's already starting.

I'm going to bed. Nothing better to do. Maybe I can hide in my dreams. They've got to be better than reality...right?
Oh who am I kidding? My dreams are usually worse.

Tomorrow, I for sure am going to do something. Perhaps I'll ask mother to drop me off at the mall and pick me up in the evening. I hate being home. I feel like I'm suffocating in here. It's winter break and all I do is stay at home. Pathetic really. Like mother like daughter? Seems that'll be my life.

blahhhh

So exhausted.
Grandma made fish and fries for me and my uncle. I ended up taking 3 bites and was full. I'm really not used to eating too much. I forced myself to eat more because my uncle kept giving me weird looks and said he wouldn't leave until I ate. So I ate a few more bites.

That was at 2. It's now 5:20 and I'm still really full.

Been watching Hannah Montana and Fresh Prince all day. Thinking about going khane but don't really feel like it. I know I should since I haven't gone for days. Just don't feel like doing anything.

So nervous.
Keep getting a weird feeling. For the past few days. Maybe its just nerves since new years is coming up.

I can't even write. =(

I'm Fine-MJB

This song reminds me of myself and a close friend. ;)

Benazir Bhutto

RIP

I remember learning about this lady from my great-uncle. He used to adore her. Believed that she would bring the change that is very much needed in Pakistan. It wasn't only him who had such hope, thousands of people believed so as well.
However, like every hopeful thing in this world, this light had opponents as well. And this is what caused the downfall of such a brave woman.

This woman went against her religion. Instead she followed her own beliefs and stood up for them. Being a woman in her region, that is something which is very difficult to do.

We've all heard of the harsh laws and beliefs of the people in the East. One of the things they oppose most is the role of women. According to them, women shouldn't hold any roles and do as the men say. Bhutto went against that and tried her hardest to bring democracy and peace in Pakistan.

This woman won't be forgotten. She'll live to be a role model for many young ladies and hopefully one day, another Bhutto will be born.

I couldn't fall asleep at 3, so I ended up staying awake in room listening to the radio. They're playing the same thing over and over again. Got tired of that. So went to go shower. Wasted about an hour in there.

It's now 5pm and I'm going back to my room. I wish places were open. A restaurant should be right?? I should call for delivery. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm eating their food. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

People were right. They don't care. Dumb me and my silly kid ideas.

Happy Christmas

Never had such an eventful day.
Woke up at 8, went on the comp for 30min. Wrote on blog, messaged a few people. Then went to my room and finished my book.

At 9:20 I went back to bed and woke up again at 12. Looked at the time, and went back to bed.

It's now 240 and all I want to do is go back to bed. Even sleeping is hard. I keep reliving all the crapy days of my life.

I don't remember ever feeling this alone and unwanted.
Haven't eaten a proper meal since the 15th. Haven't eaten anything in 2 days. I'm not even hungry. Perhaps my time is coming up.

LMAO. That was a good joke. The day God calls me back will be the day there's going to be world peace. Exactly. Never going to happen.

Fuck. I apologize for being so blah. I guess I'm going to go back to bed.

Wake me up when it's all over.

Woke up this morning reliving most of my recent new year celebrations.

There was one year where 8 of my friends went to a sleepover without inviting me. That was the year that I lost them all. After a while, I figured out why I wasn't invited: the father of one of my friend's didn't like me.

Then there was the year where I stayed home so I could talk to my friend the whole night (she wasn't allowed to go anywhere). The night ended up in us in a permanent fight. Did I mention that we were friends for 6 years.

Then came the year where I went to a Eid/New Year's party. I spent the whole night being tormented by people. They laughed at me, made fun of me, and so I ended up hiding out with my mother, who ignored me for her boyfriend.

One year, I spent it at my house with one of my friends. Two days later, we stopped talking.

Wow. Basically, all my new years have been crappy. Can't wait for this one. I think I've already lost one friend. I don't want to lose another. I wish I could explain how nervous I've been. Since December started, I've wanted to hide away and never come out.

the taste of freedom...the life i used to know

Often, in hopes of something better, we fail to see what's right infront of our eyes. We are usually so engrossed in trying to get the "perfect" life. The perfect man. The perfect house. The perfect outfit. What we fail to understand is that there is no such thing as perfect. We just need to take what we have and make the best of it, before its too late. And it usually will be. Because in order to understand that, we usually need to lose something "perfect."

All my life I've been running. Running from my friends, my family, my dreams, myself. Running, and hoping to find my perfect life. The life I see many others living. But that's just the thing. Everything looks so much better from the outside. No one looks deeper when the outside looks so beautiful. We live a life full of expectations. Yet, we fail to fulfill our own needs. Better yet, we fail to figure out what it is that we need. So, I guess we all need to stop running and enjoy what we have. Because sometimes, what may be hell for you, could be heaven for someone else.

Fake it

I wrote this a few days ago, changed a few things and here it is:

I don't do half relationships. Not anymore. I hate the feeling it gives you. So, the second that a relationship goes anywhere close to dying, I back away. Sometimes it might be fixed, but my attitude and feelings toward the person doesn't change much. I'll suck things up for the sake of the other person, and let fate decide the rest.

Sounds shitty doesn't it? It works. Plus, it's quite surprising how many people actually fake things like that.

If I could, I'd roll my eyes and never stop. People are pathetic.
=)

and its all just words anyway

It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture, all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones who run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves.

=D

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave Barry

blah blah blah are we done yet?

Terribly tired. Can't sleep.
I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to stay home. Praying like crazy that I get a doc's appoin. Then I'll probably chill at the mall or something. Maybe go watch a movie. Ooohh. Yeah that sounds awesome. A movie. Lord knows how much I adore movies. LOL.

I feel so empty right now. And emotional. But the emotional part is a daily occurance. One would think that I'd be used to it by now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I just watched Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. And it got me wondering: What exactly is my comfort food? I've noticed that I don't eat as much when I'm stresed or blah. I used to be an emotional eater...what happened?

Xmass

Absolutely loved the movie Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. It was sad, cute, and funny. A perfect combo in my eyes.
Although, it makes me feel even lonlier than I felt before. Pathetic isn't it?

Meh. Guess I'll go about it the old fashioned way-wait for the "perfect man." Or better yet, the "next man."

Tired.
Making new blog. =)

Eid Mubarak.

I had such a good idea for a blog post, but unfortunately, I forgot it. -_-
Hm. Anyway. What is it about hurting a person which brings so much satisfaction? Today, mother and I went to Walmart to get her car fixed and while we were waiting I saw Cinderella 2 and 3. I got super excited because I've been looking for those dvds for months now. Mom laughed and walked away. I told her, "you should've got me that for my birthday." She said, "every time I asked you what you wanted, you'd say nothing or say you wanted books." This started a fight (yep right in Walmart). I started bitching and asked why I never got what I wanted (books). I said, "If I couldn't get the books, what makes you think I would've got the dvds." Which soon led to, "You're my mother, you should know what I want. I know most of what you'd like."

Seeing her in pain made me happy. I know it sounds sick and low, but getting my anger out felt good. But at the same time, I felt bad. Because she keeps complaining about lack of money.

By the time mother and I got back in the car, I was pissed again. She actually had the audicity to decline my request of getting the dvds, which were $50 together, and instead she booked an appoinment to get her hair done. Which, might I mention, costs approx $120, and she last got it done first week of December. I haven't gotten my hair done in over 7 months. She promised to let me get it done for my birthday. Infact, she's promised a lot. Maybe I should listen to my friend when she says, "Don't expect anything from anyone."

Maybe I will go to school on Friday. Hell. Maybe I'll go to school tmr as well. Been home with them for less than 5min and I'm already crying. God. Imagine the weeks of winter break. I'll be in bed the whole time.
They frustrate me so much. I don't even talk to them and they do something to piss me off. Fuck.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I know that if I don't go tomorrow than I'll have to go on Friday. I rather miss Thursday and Friday, then just start my winter break.

I don't know what it is about being alone that frightens me so much. I don't mind being alone at the theatres, or at a restaurant, but there are some places where being alone is so hard.

My school plays Christmas songs during the breaks. My favorite songs. Yet, I'm usually in class by then so I don't get to hear it. Sucks doesn't it. When you don't have anyone to share special, stupid times with. Maybe thats why people get married. To have security. To know that there will be someone at your side at all times. Perhaps I was being too selfish when I stopped my mom from getting married all those times. It's not like any of them were good men though.

I hate how I'm always feeling so guilty. -_- No matter what it is, the guilt is always there. *sigh* Just one more thing I have to work on I guess.

What is it about a 'thank you' that makes most people feel so warm??
With me, those words make me feel guilty. What I do, or say, are things that are really minor and feel like nothing to me. So when someone thanks me for doing something like that, it makes me wonder if they actually meant it. Guilt as well because I myself barely show my appreciation. I wasn't taught to do it. From a young age, words like thank you, please, and sorry weren't taught to me. They weren't a daily occurance. So when someone says any of the above to me, I feel...small.

Today, two people thanked me for being there for them. Yet when I think about it, I feel like I didn't do anything. It felt like nothing to me. I know that sometimes even the small things might mean a lot to someone, but its difficult to accept that I could do something nice.

Gord. I don't even know how to explain it without feeling like I'm repeating the same things.

Going back to one of the people who thanked me. Her precise words were: Thank you. I was confused and asked what for. Her reply was: "For being there today. Just like you always used to be"
This girl and I have barely spoken for years. And hearing her say something like that, it reminded me of something someone else said to me recently. "I miss who you were. You were the best friend a person could have. Where did that fun Alishah go?"

I'd like to think I haven't changed that much. But I can't be sure about that. I can't remember who I was (like I've mentioned in my earlier posts). Scary isn't it? Forgetting yourself.

Computer Aids

My computer has aids. -_- Last night it kept shutting off, which made me really frustrated considering I was trying to have a convo. =(
Anyway, this may be one of my last posts in a while. Gotta try to get my comp fixed. Gord knows how I'm going to do that.

Grandma dearest decided to watch my fav soap with me. It made me so mad. But I controlled my anger (yeah first time ever), and I let her watch. (I can't even write cause she's near me. Just the site of her makes my blood boil. I know I'm being rude but I'm extremely picky with the people I'm around. I have half a mind to grab the glass in my hand and throw it at her. I've been having these thoughts a lot today. Wanting to hurt someone, physically. It sounds so tempting.

Anyway. Today was another day spent alone. Joy. One more day of this torture. Know what's worse? Coming home and being alone...AGAIN. I only need a day or two off from people, not a whole week. Argh. My plan is to stay home on Thursday because of Eid and to stay home on Friday because I'm going to be "sick." LOL.

Fear...?

While talking to a friend about New Years plans, she said this: I think you have a fear of abandonment that resonates from the time of childhood- starting with the abandonment of your Father...throughout the years that fear has been re-enforced by the loss of friends...This fear of abandonment causes you to close yourself off from others, it causes you to judge others and assume the worst of most situations

It sounds true. But difficult to accept.
Trying to see the positives in any situation is hard-for any person. It's human instinct to always have a back-up plan and to take care of yourself no matter what. That's what I'm doing...right?
As for my father, I've heard that theory many times. Usually starts off with elderly people saying, "Those girls with no fathers, they're always looking for men to fill that void." Then they look at me and shake their heads. Hmph.

LOL. Father. I haven't written about him in months. Think about it every day though. Feels a bit...unfair. Siblings...a father..I wonder how it'd feel to grow up like that-with those people in my life. I guess this brings another fear in my life: growing up and having a family. I wouldn't know the first thing to do. Or what to expect. I guess that's why I resent my half-siblings so much-because they had what I didn't. A part of me hates them for stealing what was originally supposed to be mine.

A few people have recently told me that everything happens for a reason and when things get tough, just to give all my problems to God. But that makes me feel so guilty. Doesn't He have enough to worry about? I'm sure He does. I get along fine with Him just looking out for me occassionally. I ask for enough as it is. =)

Just smile and nod right? Make sure everyone believes the false.
Life is like an echo. All comes back
The good, the bad, the false.
So give the world the best you can,
And the best will come to you.
And isn't that just what I'm doing? Giving the best. Cause in the end, no matter what you do, it'll come back. So might as well pretend it's all good, so maybe the good will come back.


(If this doesn't make sense, don't worry. Cause I don't get it either. I just had to blog something)

*sigh*
Such a crappy day. A few good parts, but overall, I felt guilty for smiling when I did.

A lady I really adore told me that I shouldn't worry about anything and smile even if I don't feel happy. Because just by smiling, it'll make me feel good. I tried that. And it worked. But deep inside I felt so bad. Why is it hard to smile when someone close to you isn't?

P.S. I find it pathetic that most of the people I know are in relationships. I want one tooooo. (hint hint Santa)

P.P.S. I'm thinking of making another blog. Or changing the name of this one.

Ohh Deaarr

I have never understood people's fear of aging.
Humans have been on earth for centuries, yet the traditional phases of life still haven't been accepted by many.
Just today, my English teacher mentioned how good it felt when someone said: you're only 50, you still have half your life to live.
Why though? Why should it feel good? Can't we accept how the "circle of life" is supposed to work.

It starts with age and ends with size. No one is ever going to be content. So much for accepting yourself...no matter what.

"You can't help who or what you are, just like a skunk can't help its smell."

Feels like someone scooped out all my insides and left it a bit too empty.
Gord. I can't sleep, and I can't type. I don't know what to say. I can't hold up a conversation, and I can't think of anything. My mind is so blank. Makes me mad that I don't know the cause of this. There's a reason for everything isn't there? So where's the reason for this?

Teri yaad aati hein

Now I know how she felt. Bit too late now though. She's coming to town soon. Another reason I don't want to be out too much these next few weeks. Just incase. I can't have her out of all the people see me like this. Wow. I haven't written about her in ages. I miss her so much. Maybe that's another reason I'm like this. I wish I knew. I want to stay home so bad tomorrow. I wish it was just me in the house. Better yet, I want to go to Timmy's.

I remember when I stopped going to Timmy's for a year. I stopped going everywhere. Any place that reminded me of either of them. God. It really feels like those days. I've been missing them both. It feels good to live in the past than to accept the present.

A part of me really doesn't want to accept this new person in my life. Knowing that she could become another them, it's scary. I don't want to give so much power to another person. I have a hard time giving it to myself. Sometimes I just want to push her away and tell her to fuck off. But where would that leave me? Not talking to her for a day got me in pieces. Imagine a whole lifetime. Sucks how much a person can mean. No matter how hard you try not to let them in. I did a good job with my other friends. My last "best friend," I didn't even blink when she left. I thought I was getting good at it. Apparently not. I guess I need more practice. Maybe, subconsciously, that's what I was doing these past few days. Especially last night.

Wish I were degradable. I'd break to pieces and whither away.

Hmm

I fail to understand a person's need to understand everything.

I spent approx 2 hours with a friend, talking in circles. Did it get either of us anywhere? No. We both probably still feel like shit and half the time were extremely fake. Instead of looking out for ourselves, we went for the obvious and most familiar-making sure the other was alright. Why is it that we fail to ignore ourselves, just so we can follow the norm. Better yet: What is the norm?

The better part of the evening was spent watching Borat-one of the funniest movies ever made. Yet, throughout half the movie, I was either forcing myself to laugh or completely lost. I didn't know half of what was going on. My mind and heart just weren't into it. Sure, I enjoyed seeing my friend happy, but I'm still the same way I was. I couldn't help but wonder how fake she was being.

That's what this world is made of isn't it? Fakeness. We fake smiles, laughter and sometimes even love. Where exactly did the realness go? Has reality turned fake as well?

Home again. Wow. Work was hell. My cheeks are sore from fake smiling. I barely talked to anyone.

I did think of a lot of things. Mainly at how selfish I'm being right now. A close friend needs help, and instead of being there for her, I'm wallowing in my own shit. I can't believe I forgot my own motto: Helping others helps keep my own problems in perspective. Hence the reason I should shut up and suck it up.

However, being there for her isn't that easy. For one, I barely know what she's going through. When I try to talk to her about her stuff, I get an odd vibe. Ok. I admit, it was my fault that her appoin backfired. I shouldn't have forced her. Sometimes I do retarded things without thinking.

Sometimes I really wish I knew my half-siblings. Feeling just a bit too lonely right now.

Woke up with a bloody headache and with tears on my pillow. According to my mother I was crying the whole night. Go figure. Apparently I even have feelings while I'm asleep.

Worst part about it all...Monday I'm going to be alone. Even though I have school, most people I know are going to some court case. Joy. You would think that after all this time I'd be used to being alone. Guess not.

As for a certain person's comments, alcohol and pills do help. At least for a while. And while we're at it, so does physical pain. Oh and I'd prefer you didn't stick your nose into this and "try" to get me help. Like you always say, "I do everything on my own."

On a positive note, I just went upstairs and found a whole box full of chocolates that I absolutely love! Hope no one misses it. Cause I'm done half the box. Oops. So much for that "eating disorder" I was accused of having eh.

Yeah. I'm being sarcastic and probably going to regret all of this later, but after the crappy weekend I just had, I could care less. I think a part of me is dying to hurt a certain someone. It's just who I am. When things get hard, I hurt those who "care" because I know it'll affect them the most. I guess thats what I did with the last two.

I cannot wait until work is over tonight. I'm going home and going to sit on my ass until 9 watching Christmas movies. One of my favorite movies is on tonight: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I used to adore that movie. Unfortunately, that movie now brings bad memories.

Funny how that is. I end up losing "friends" every year. I always used to think that my family was being mean when they said that I was a bad person that's why I kept losing people. But makes a person wonder. Could that be true? You don't see any other normal person lose people every year. Hmph. Just my luck.

I used to think that everything was for the best. That having those people in my life wouldn't do me any good. Boy was I wrong. Look where it got me. Nowhere. Same place I keep going to-hell.

Hahahaha. My horoscope for today:

December 16, 2007
It could be that you are feeling a strong sense of guilt at this time, Alishah, because of something you did in an effort to feed your own ego. Be aware of how your actions have affected others and apologize for what you have done. Guilt is basically a useless emotion that you should rid yourself of as quickly as possible. Don't let this feeling keep you from opening up your heart the way you need to in order to restore it to its original innocence.

Too funny.


P.S. So far: 5 people this year. (L)

God. I'd do anything for a hug right now. Maybe she's right. We both know this was my fault. If I hadn't had forced her to try to get help, she wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like shit.

As if I needed anything else to make this weekend any worse.
I truly am a horrible person. Did I honestly think I'd be able to help? I'm the one who hid a bloody depression for 3 years. Did I think I could help other people?

Maybe I'll take a day off of work. But I really need the money. Ugh.

Perhaps I won't even make it. I've popped 5 pills so far. God knows what kind they are. Just found them in the cabinet with a bunch of other pills.

How bad exactly is it to overdrink?? Cause right now, I'm willing to do anything to get away from fucking reality. Funny how half a bottle hasn't helped. Too bad I can't have any more. Stupid work tmr.

Honestly. The more I try to help-the more I fuck things up.

Blah blah blah.
I'm starving. Tummy feels empty. But when I go to eat...I feel really full. Maybe it's not my stomach that feels empty...

Fuck. I knew I should've stayed home on Friday. This all got worse on that day. Had a break from people for more than 24hrs. Still not helping. Making me feel more like shit. Funny how that happens eh? You want to be alone, but the second that you are, you feel even more lonlier. Haven't gone to Khane in 2 days. This really feels like those days again. Doesn't help that it's getting closer to New Years. I hate that day.

On a positive note: It's almost been a year since me and my bestie met. =D

I absolutely don't deal well with rejection-of any kind.

Oop
gots work tme
eekjk
sleep helus right:?
nightz

Bacardi and coke is actually really good. And makes you feel bubbly.
Hmph. I guess being alone isn't all too bad. Surprising that I haven't had a drink since last New Years. (Not surprisingly, I was alone that night).

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So. Why doesn't it feel that way??

Friday I kept getting panic/anxiety attacks. Sucks that I'm being a bitch to all my friends. 6 More days until they can get a break from me. It'll be a much needed break.

Tis the Season

10 days until Christmas and here I am sitting at home. Alone. Watching a Christmas movie.

What is it about this season that makes everyone-even those who don't celebrate it-so giddy? The lights, the music, everything is so beautiful. However there's one hitch-the whole "sappiness" part. Christmas is said to be a time when everyone comes together and celebrates. When past mistakes and issues are forgotten and new memories made. Yet why does it feel like it's not meant for everyone? Why is it that when I'm willing to be nice, change my ways, and give it a try, others just push me away. Or perhaps it's just me.

Maybe for the rest of this month I'll try doing something nice. Visit an orphanage, go to a senior's home. Something. If I can't celebrate with people who are supposed to be my friends, I might as well try to brighten up someone else's life. Right?

P.S. His and Her Christmas is an awesome movie. A bit old, but for those holiday saps, check it out.

Even my body likes to skip. -_-

The WOMAN is Angry

Why is that when a person is quiet or needing to be alone, other people freak out and start asking you questions. Yet when "other people" do the same thing, the person needs to suck it up and move on?

And why is it that when a person doesn't start a convo first others automatically assume you hate them?? What if I didn't see you online?? Or I was busy? Or better yet, didn't have anything to say. Couldn't you have started the convo first?

Honestly. I'm tired of trying to deal with other people's probs. Sure. I love you. But there's a limit to how much. I refuse to walk around alone trying to figure out what the hell could be wrong with you. If there is something wrong with you, either tell me what it is, or let me know you need to be alone. Either one is alright. But playing games is not ok.

Aite. Just had to let that out. Have a good day/night/evening/morning/ect.

aarrgghh x2

I absolutely hate when I'm PMSing, tired, starving, and I come home to the crappiest food (home-made fries that I absolutely dispise). Ok. Sure. On most days I would eat it, but lately, ever since grandma dearest came back, we've been eating food that doesn't satisfy me. Hence I've taken to eating supper out or sneaking in some fast food. However, today I was broke (since I broke my debit card) and had barely eaten the whole day. My PMS doesn't help at all because it's making me cranky and the lack of sleep I've had to deal with for the last week or so has made me even more irritible.
I know I probably sound like a bitchy woman in need of sleep, food, and a new life, but it's honestly who I am. I'm a complete ass on most days. And being around people who irritate me doesn't help. Take my mother for example: I've told her every week for 2 years that the second week of every month is when I start PMS-ing and being more moodier than usual. However, that information fails to get to her. She continues to annoy me, say screwed up jokes that do not make sense, and worst of all, she wears my grandmother's clothes that week. If that doesn't cause insanity, what will?
I guess I can't blame everything on PMS. It's me as well. I suppose ever since the old hag came back things have been really blah. I've always hated my great-grandmother. Never been fond of her. I almost hurt her physically. And now my grandmother. For the past 2 years, she has been a bit too...unpleasant. She is always cleaning. Even when the house is bloody spotless. Alright. Fine. She cleans. But she gets in my way. When I'm sitting on the computer, she'll come up behind me and start wiping the chair or something. When I tell her to leave she starts bitching about my lack of morals. Which confuses the hell outa me. What exactly does cleaning have anything to do with morals??? Sorry God, I'm a messy woman. Guess I can't make it to heaven in this lifetime. Maybe next time. [Insert sarcasm]

Since I'm ranting about family, I might as well rant about other sectors of my life. AKA Friends. I've been really weird around them lately. Especially one of my friends. She thinks a lot of me and I'd like to think it was mutual. But sometimes, I feel resentment towards her. I have a problem: the more people share their views of me with me, the more I'll push them away. For example: If someone tells me how much I mean to them, I'll immediately back away and stop feeling the same way about them. I know I don't mean it, but it not only affects my thoughts on them, but my relationship as well. *sigh* I wish I knew why I'm so afraid of affection. It bothers me. I hate seeing it and I hate having it. Another factor which results in my wanting to pull out my hair.

I think people are right-I DO need to see a bloody therapist or something.

AAARRRGGGG

*sigh*

This explains me in more ways than I can write down.
Just so tired. Of everything. I'm really in need of a change of atmosphere. Everything here is getting to me. It's too...repetitive. -_-

Way to cheer us negative ppl up...

Birthday..nope. Deathday sounds better

Wow. After days of trying to get into my blog...it finally worked.
I've really needed to vent. What about I have no idea. I just need to write. Write...but not to anyone specific. Even if I wanted to write to someone, I couldn't explain myself. I've just been so blah recently. What's worse is that it's 12:30am and no one has said happy birthday to me. The number of days I've stayed up late just to wish someone on their bday...and I get nothing.

Such a small thing, yet, I'm making a huge deal out of it. I don't even care much for birthdays. I guess feeling blah to start off with didn't help the situation much.

As for me feeling blah:
I've been losing a ton of energy because of my lack of nutrition. I can't eat much anymore. It hurts to eat. Even if I'm hungry and warm food up, putting it in my mouth is really hard. I just cannot get myself to do it. My lack of food intake has been causing me to get nasty migranes. Which in turn makes me bitchy.
Not to mention my mood. I'm either really happy, or really put off. Just random emotions of sadness, lonliness, and anxiety pass by me, and it makes me question everything in life. It's been coming back--the depression. And this time it's worse because I don't know the reason-and because it has a lot more to it. Migranes, no food, foul mood, and on top of that, being cut of from certain people.

Losing friends-I thought I was over that. When it first happened I couldn't have cared two shits about it. But lately, it all hurts. Seeing them, makes me wonder why I never had that. It feels like my childhood and teenage years are rushing past me. I'm not complaining about my life right now. I absolutely adore the friends I have, yet it always feels like something is missing. And that empty feeling has really been getting to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be stronger and take on the world with a cheerful attitude. But I can't. It hurts to even laugh for too long. It's not even the emotion hurt...it's also the physical. Makes me feel guilty because its affecting those around me. They don't deserve that.

*sigh*
Just need a break from life.
Cannot wait for this day to be over. The fake wishes and thank you's. Just a bit too much for me to handle.