Last night I learned a lot about my mum. Not because I was told, but more of the fact that my grandmother was telling some guests. I just happened to be in the kitchen making coffee when the conversation started. Apparently-I don't know why I didn't notice this from the pictures-but my mum's family was not a part of her wedding. She had gone to India for a vacation, married my father, and a few days later, her in-laws called my grandmother telling her to come for dinner. Something happened (missed it), but my mum took a whole bottle of pills. They rushed her to khane at 3 in the morning (my grandmother was mukhiani) and by the time my grandma came out to the car, my mother was blue. They took her to the hospital, where she got better and found out that she was pregno! Yes, after 5 days of marriage my mum was pregnant! Fucking great eh?? No wonder she seems to hate me sometimes. Apparently suicide and depression run in the family. My mum, both my aunties and myself.
Anyway, the thing which really pissed me off was that strangers knew more about me and my family than I did. Fuck! So I did what I always do in these situations-I emmersed myself in books. I stayed up all night, read 3 books and finally fell asleep at 12. Ihad a mere 35min of sleep before I frantically woke up thinking it was 1pm--Passions time.
So, now I'm exhausted, but at the same time very awake. My whole body is aching, I got a killer migrane, and I have to work till 10!! Foook!!!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I'm a spoiled brat
I am dying..dying!...to go watch The Phantom of the Opera. Fuck man!!! I keep thinking about it. You know where it would be even funner to watch??? In Paris, or London. But I am not waiting a whole year to watch it!!...Depending on whether we even go next summer. Mummy said I have to save up since there's a lot to do in England and a lot of shopping and shit. Said she won't pay for it all. She gave me such a big lecture last night about how she's a single parent and how she has to take care of the whole family. Fuck! Am I supposed to care that your mother, and brother depend on you?? Screw them. You gave birth to me, so now you deal with me. I know I'm being a selfish ass, but its her fault. She's the one who spoiled me. If she did it for the first 14 years of my life, she can do it for the rest. Life is like work. You don't do things that aren't part of your job profile, and if you, then they become part of your profile.
Damnit! I sound like the lowest person on the planet! I just hate not getting my way. Its not like I always get my way. If I ask for something and mummy says no, I usually accept it. But if she says no and I keep persisting, I more than often get what I want. That's hardly the case though. I accept it, unless I really want it badly.
Take going to England as an example. I first asked my mum when I was 7. She said no. Then I asked again when I was 9, 10, 11, 12, and now 14. All those times she said that we'd go in the summer. It hasn't happened yet, but I never said anything telling myself that its a good thing since going to a place I know I'll make many memories is worth waiting for. I thought no one would notice, but my aunty did. She yeled at my mum a few days ago saying that she shouldn't be making false promises. Then she turned to me and said, "Don't expect to go next summer, your mum is a liar, she won't be taking you anywhere anytime soon." I ignored her but I knew deep down inside that it was true.
So, from now on, I've decided that all my dreams and wants will be put on a hold. At least until I'm old enough. Sometimes though, I feel like life could end at any second and I've not even travelled anywhere I can remember. We went to Florida, California, Dubai, Mexico, San Antonio, Houston, Toronto, Buffalo, and New York, but I don't remember any of that. Could my mother really expect me to?? Iwas only 5 then. What a waste. But its her fault. What 5 year old remembers stuff like that. I wouldn't even have a liking to those cities. The only thing I remember is the casino and how I got my mother $100. Oh and not to mention Dar, where I lived. Even there, I only remember the shitty stuff--our maid getting killed at our house, going for walks with one of our servants and getting free stuff from every corner, or never being home since people from khane always took me to their homes, or going to this girl's house every morning to wake her up. Other than that I don't remember anything else. I don't remember the sceneries, the wildlife, the poverty...nothing realy worth remembering. Only stupid things. I want to travel to places where I can see and remember things. Visit the Louvre Museum--I even know where the Mona Lisa is held-1st floor, Denon Wing,Salle des Etats-La Joconde(Mona Lisa). See the palaces of the Forbidden City in Beijing, the Great Wall of China, and the Palaces in England. However, I really want to go to Italy-its art and architecture. The buildings are beautiful. But really, whats the point in traveling, making memories when in a few years, when I die, I won't remember anything. I can't take my memories with me in death.
I apologize for going off topic. I was speaking of wanting to go see the Phantom of the Opera, and I ended up talking about wanting to travel the world. LOL. I guess I got my mum's interest in traveling. (I couldn't find a word that would fit!! damnit)
Damnit! I sound like the lowest person on the planet! I just hate not getting my way. Its not like I always get my way. If I ask for something and mummy says no, I usually accept it. But if she says no and I keep persisting, I more than often get what I want. That's hardly the case though. I accept it, unless I really want it badly.
Take going to England as an example. I first asked my mum when I was 7. She said no. Then I asked again when I was 9, 10, 11, 12, and now 14. All those times she said that we'd go in the summer. It hasn't happened yet, but I never said anything telling myself that its a good thing since going to a place I know I'll make many memories is worth waiting for. I thought no one would notice, but my aunty did. She yeled at my mum a few days ago saying that she shouldn't be making false promises. Then she turned to me and said, "Don't expect to go next summer, your mum is a liar, she won't be taking you anywhere anytime soon." I ignored her but I knew deep down inside that it was true.
So, from now on, I've decided that all my dreams and wants will be put on a hold. At least until I'm old enough. Sometimes though, I feel like life could end at any second and I've not even travelled anywhere I can remember. We went to Florida, California, Dubai, Mexico, San Antonio, Houston, Toronto, Buffalo, and New York, but I don't remember any of that. Could my mother really expect me to?? Iwas only 5 then. What a waste. But its her fault. What 5 year old remembers stuff like that. I wouldn't even have a liking to those cities. The only thing I remember is the casino and how I got my mother $100. Oh and not to mention Dar, where I lived. Even there, I only remember the shitty stuff--our maid getting killed at our house, going for walks with one of our servants and getting free stuff from every corner, or never being home since people from khane always took me to their homes, or going to this girl's house every morning to wake her up. Other than that I don't remember anything else. I don't remember the sceneries, the wildlife, the poverty...nothing realy worth remembering. Only stupid things. I want to travel to places where I can see and remember things. Visit the Louvre Museum--I even know where the Mona Lisa is held-1st floor, Denon Wing,Salle des Etats-La Joconde(Mona Lisa). See the palaces of the Forbidden City in Beijing, the Great Wall of China, and the Palaces in England. However, I really want to go to Italy-its art and architecture. The buildings are beautiful. But really, whats the point in traveling, making memories when in a few years, when I die, I won't remember anything. I can't take my memories with me in death.
I apologize for going off topic. I was speaking of wanting to go see the Phantom of the Opera, and I ended up talking about wanting to travel the world. LOL. I guess I got my mum's interest in traveling. (I couldn't find a word that would fit!! damnit)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
MSG?
Just Breathe!! Everything will be okay! Trust me.....have I ever
let you down?????
This msg has really been bugging me. I mean, this lady had no reason to say this to me. Considering I had a bad day that day, and that nothing was going right, it just seemed ironic that I should recieve that message from an old teacher who didn't know anything about that day or my life. Shit man! It just seemed like a message from God or something. I can't seem to get it out of my head!!
New beginnings
Fook! I hate how the second I was out of school, I stopped talking to all the people I knew. I miss them so much, but for some reason I have this stupid idea in my head that if I talk to them, they won't like me anymore becuase of her. She was the reason people talked to me. I never felt the need to make any friends, I was content with having her. I never imagined her not being there, so the last few months of grade 9, it was lonely, and different. With the circumstances, I had changed and I didn't know how to make things better. I depended on herso much. All I could do was act stupid, because it would make people laugh and that was all I knew how to do.
I suppose that the second school was out, I didn't want to hold onto those people. The people who loved her way more than they liked me. The people who thought I couldn't be a friend--only a person they saw every day.
Fuck!
Anyway, this girl, I've known her since grade 4, and I heard that she just moved. It makes me sad that she didn't even feel the need to tell me, but I suppose that's my fault.
All I can say is thank God I'm going to a different school than most of the people from grade 9.
I suppose that the second school was out, I didn't want to hold onto those people. The people who loved her way more than they liked me. The people who thought I couldn't be a friend--only a person they saw every day.
Fuck!
Anyway, this girl, I've known her since grade 4, and I heard that she just moved. It makes me sad that she didn't even feel the need to tell me, but I suppose that's my fault.
All I can say is thank God I'm going to a different school than most of the people from grade 9.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Theresita and Ethan
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I looked right in your eye and I saw
the truth facing right at me...And the truth is that you are a wonderful
person and...I couldn't help but think of what life would be like if we stayed
together....We were so close weren't we Theresa. So close. I try, I try so hard
to deny it...to deny how much I love you...but I'm sorry..I can't..."
And then sexy Ethan kisses Theresita! Fuck! I'm going to die when school starts and I won't be able to watch Passions. My plan: When I have my spare...go home so I can watch passions at least every second day. LOL.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
lovely poems!
E.E. Cummings–I carry your heart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
One Art--Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
One Art--Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
Friday, August 25, 2006
my "wonderful" day
Breathe in, breathe out. Sometimes, that's all you want to do. But when you don't have time to breathe, when you feel that if you do, everything will come out, thats when you can't do anything and al you have left to do is wait.
Today was the most fucked up day ever.
Let's start out with last night...
I was on the comp at night like at 10. My mum- who sleeps on the couch so she can talk to her fuckin boyfriend all night long- started bitching at me. Saying that she needs to rest and shit, when in reality she wanted to talk to her boyfriend. I told her that if she has a problem then she can go upstairs, and that only an idiot sleeps on the couch when there's a bed. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say to my fuckin love-struck mother. She flipped out and stood right infront of me and was about to slap me...she didn't after she saw the look on my face. Sometimes me anger can really take over my common senses. Its scary. Anyway, I was realy pissed and I didn't want to stay near her even a second longer. I stomped to the kitchen, opened then slammed all the cupboards, and then stomped back down to my room. I was smart enough to lock my room incase mother dearest decided to kill me in the middle of the night.
So, that was my night. Then, in the morning, my friend called at 10:00am and for those of you who don't know...I hate waking up before 12. I couldn't fall back asleep so I got all my school supplies ready, then went upstairs for breakfast. Fuck! I wanted to have pizza from last night but there was none. No pizza, no cereal, no muffin. Fuckin great. So, mum comes and after a few stops to Walmart and Staples, we went to school for registration. My fuckin picture came out looking hideous, they screwed up my timetable, gave me a spare, substituted cosmo with some other option, and to top it all off, we got our lockers downstairs near the fucked up people. Oh no wait...theres something worse: while coming out of the car when going to Londonderry Mall, I stepped in a puddle of slimy, white-ish water. My right foot was wet, slimy, and my shoe kept coming off. I couldn't even find a fucking kleenex!
Ugh!
Then mummy and I got into 3 fights in an hour. Ugh! I just want to shower, and go to sleep.
I'm sure something screwed up will happen though.
btw...
A teacher from grade 9 msged me this on nex and I read it after work: Just Breathe!! Everything will be okay! Trust me.....have I ever let you down?????
It wouldn't affect me in any way except to think that that personwas crazy. Yet, when I read it, I just broke down. I guess it was one of those God-is-always-there moments. He never lets you down eh.
Anyway, I'm going to go shower, clean my room and then go to sleep.
Nitez
Today was the most fucked up day ever.
Let's start out with last night...
I was on the comp at night like at 10. My mum- who sleeps on the couch so she can talk to her fuckin boyfriend all night long- started bitching at me. Saying that she needs to rest and shit, when in reality she wanted to talk to her boyfriend. I told her that if she has a problem then she can go upstairs, and that only an idiot sleeps on the couch when there's a bed. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say to my fuckin love-struck mother. She flipped out and stood right infront of me and was about to slap me...she didn't after she saw the look on my face. Sometimes me anger can really take over my common senses. Its scary. Anyway, I was realy pissed and I didn't want to stay near her even a second longer. I stomped to the kitchen, opened then slammed all the cupboards, and then stomped back down to my room. I was smart enough to lock my room incase mother dearest decided to kill me in the middle of the night.
So, that was my night. Then, in the morning, my friend called at 10:00am and for those of you who don't know...I hate waking up before 12. I couldn't fall back asleep so I got all my school supplies ready, then went upstairs for breakfast. Fuck! I wanted to have pizza from last night but there was none. No pizza, no cereal, no muffin. Fuckin great. So, mum comes and after a few stops to Walmart and Staples, we went to school for registration. My fuckin picture came out looking hideous, they screwed up my timetable, gave me a spare, substituted cosmo with some other option, and to top it all off, we got our lockers downstairs near the fucked up people. Oh no wait...theres something worse: while coming out of the car when going to Londonderry Mall, I stepped in a puddle of slimy, white-ish water. My right foot was wet, slimy, and my shoe kept coming off. I couldn't even find a fucking kleenex!
Ugh!
Then mummy and I got into 3 fights in an hour. Ugh! I just want to shower, and go to sleep.
I'm sure something screwed up will happen though.
btw...
A teacher from grade 9 msged me this on nex and I read it after work: Just Breathe!! Everything will be okay! Trust me.....have I ever let you down?????
It wouldn't affect me in any way except to think that that personwas crazy. Yet, when I read it, I just broke down. I guess it was one of those God-is-always-there moments. He never lets you down eh.
Anyway, I'm going to go shower, clean my room and then go to sleep.
Nitez
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Parents..
Don't you hate it when parents or adults boss you around and expect you to do whatever it is they want? I mean, besides the age, what other difference is there between adults and the younger generation? Both are human beings who are in this world for they first time. They are learning how to live life to its fullest and both make mistakes. Just because one has lived longer does not give him/her the right to know everything and demand control. I agree that to a certain extent, parents and/or gaurdians should have control over thier kids, but they cannot relive life through them. Many parents tend to abuse the privalage they have of having children. They order the kids around, tell them what to do, think, and feel, and I feel that that needs to stop. If adults treated kids as they would any other person-with a few minor exeptions of course-relationships between the two would dramatically change. Parents didn't like being treated like slaves when they were young, and we don't either.
So, if there are any parents reading, please treat your kids like humans instead of slaves. If you need someone to do your shit for you, get a maid.
(btw...My blog is public now)
So, if there are any parents reading, please treat your kids like humans instead of slaves. If you need someone to do your shit for you, get a maid.
(btw...My blog is public now)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Personality color
Your true colour is green!
You're green, the colour of growth and vigour. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth colour in the spectrum -- reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your colour!
http://uk.tickle.com/test/truecolor/p1.html
You're green, the colour of growth and vigour. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth colour in the spectrum -- reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your colour!
http://uk.tickle.com/test/truecolor/p1.html
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
foook..
I hate myself so much right now. I haven't hated myself for almost a year. But it seems like I've had a bit too much. A few words, and I'm done for. Everything's coming back. All the shit I tried to hide, to ignore and put away...its all hitting me now and I can't even do anything about it. I know I have to be careful, I've known that for more than two years now, but I've had enough. Its like the torture will never stop...no matter how hard I try to ignore it. I honestly don't know whats hurting more-what he said, or seeing her and missing people. All I want is to be with strawberry and talk to her. I miss her so much. I think she's been gone since December. It was one of the Khushiali's last year. meh.
"no one has ever walked across a room for a personality" I suppose that means that no one is going to walk across the room for me.
Yes, as you could probably tell, my self-confidence is very low right now.
I've been called ugly, emo, fucking ass, a bull (wtf?) and many other things in the last 5min. Well, at least I never got any suicide scemes. Honestly, are some people really that inconsiderate and rude? No wonder so many people have or have tried to kill themselves. Wish I had enough sense to go through with it. Im such a fucktard! They were right.
"no one has ever walked across a room for a personality" I suppose that means that no one is going to walk across the room for me.
Yes, as you could probably tell, my self-confidence is very low right now.
I've been called ugly, emo, fucking ass, a bull (wtf?) and many other things in the last 5min. Well, at least I never got any suicide scemes. Honestly, are some people really that inconsiderate and rude? No wonder so many people have or have tried to kill themselves. Wish I had enough sense to go through with it. Im such a fucktard! They were right.
...
It’s been fifty years,fifty long years--since I've done this.Looking back on what I said all those years ago; all the hopes and dreams I had....I've come oto the conclusion that...if having things turn out the way you wanted them to...is a measure of a successful life...Then, some would say I'm a failure.The important thing is; not to be bitter over life's disappointments.Learn to let go of the past.And recognize that every day,...won't be sunny.But when you find yourself--lost in the darkness of despair...Remember, its only in the black of night...that you can see the stars.And those stars--will lead you back home.So, dont be afriad to make mistakes.To stumble and fall. Coz, most of the time,--the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.Maybe you'll get everything you wish for...Maybe, you'll get more than you ever could've imagined.Who knows where--life will take you. The road is long, and in the end,-- the journey is the destination.-Whitey Durham
Monday, August 21, 2006
No more Nelie...
FOOK!!!
I'm sooo bored. But happy. Sarah's backkk!! ahah. I like how big of a deal I'm making this, even though its not. Gosh1 I miss Nellie already! Especially Katie and Knectal and Erika and Sarah and-before I start off naming all 16 ppl I'll just say: EVERYONE!!
ACK!!
No more Katie and Erika hiding under Knectal's desk and saying "jiiilll jiill" or Katie changing Knectal's desktop picture. Or Alanna saying "guys bring out the pot" everyone time Knectal left the room. Or me telling everyone to hide so we wouldn't have to go to science and then Roswell coming and yelling at us. Or science classes where someone would start a convo that hadnothing to do with science just because Rossy was so easy to distract. And no more lunches on the couch. Or having picnics at the doctors' office. Going to Mac's or getting cookie dough at Giant Tiger will be no more. No more having therapy sessions in Kurzitza's class and crying for hours!
Foook!! I miss it alll sooooooooooo muchh. *sigh*
I'm sooo bored. But happy. Sarah's backkk!! ahah. I like how big of a deal I'm making this, even though its not. Gosh1 I miss Nellie already! Especially Katie and Knectal and Erika and Sarah and-before I start off naming all 16 ppl I'll just say: EVERYONE!!
ACK!!
No more Katie and Erika hiding under Knectal's desk and saying "jiiilll jiill" or Katie changing Knectal's desktop picture. Or Alanna saying "guys bring out the pot" everyone time Knectal left the room. Or me telling everyone to hide so we wouldn't have to go to science and then Roswell coming and yelling at us. Or science classes where someone would start a convo that hadnothing to do with science just because Rossy was so easy to distract. And no more lunches on the couch. Or having picnics at the doctors' office. Going to Mac's or getting cookie dough at Giant Tiger will be no more. No more having therapy sessions in Kurzitza's class and crying for hours!
Foook!! I miss it alll sooooooooooo muchh. *sigh*
dogs...
GOD! I know this may seem really stupid to some, but it's freakingly scary for me. I honestly need to get over my fear of dogs. For those of you who may not know this, I am deathly afriad of dogs. Ugh!
Let me give an example of how scared I am:
The night before I have to take the bus to school or work or whatever, I start freaking out. I cry, I shake, and I get nightmares of the worse-case-scenerio. Then in the morning I cry some more, try to get out of walking the 2 minutes it takes to get to the stop. I look out the window a million times before just to make sure its safe outside. Then, I say some salwat, ask mowla to help me, and leave the house shaking. I take mini steps careful not to make a sound, afraid that there'll be a dog roaming around somewhere close by. I get to the stop (if its a good day and there are no dogs) and I cry some more. Many times I've gotten an asthma attack for no reason.
FUCK! It pisses me off bout how afraid I am. I've tried everything and anything to help myself but it all seems useless.
And now, I have 2 min till I have to endure all that. I'm all shaking and nervous.
Let me give an example of how scared I am:
The night before I have to take the bus to school or work or whatever, I start freaking out. I cry, I shake, and I get nightmares of the worse-case-scenerio. Then in the morning I cry some more, try to get out of walking the 2 minutes it takes to get to the stop. I look out the window a million times before just to make sure its safe outside. Then, I say some salwat, ask mowla to help me, and leave the house shaking. I take mini steps careful not to make a sound, afraid that there'll be a dog roaming around somewhere close by. I get to the stop (if its a good day and there are no dogs) and I cry some more. Many times I've gotten an asthma attack for no reason.
FUCK! It pisses me off bout how afraid I am. I've tried everything and anything to help myself but it all seems useless.
And now, I have 2 min till I have to endure all that. I'm all shaking and nervous.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Why Women are attracted to jerks
Just an article I thought I'd share.
You and I must understand that women DON'T go deliberately looking for a jerk. Women are not "bad" people at all. Quite the opposite. But WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY CONTROLLED BY THIS ANCIENT MATING INSTINCT. Therefore, they have NO OTHER CHOICE but to go after ANY strong, dominant, untamable male. Or any male who can make her FEEL all those intense, uncontrollable feelings she lives for. The key to understanding women's strange behavior is "they have NO OTHER CHOICE" but to fall for these type of males. And the jerk HAPPENS to be THAT TYPE of male. Or at least, the jerk has learned HOW TO PLAY that role. The nice guy IS NOT that type of male. The nice guy cannot even play that role. If a nice guy became strong and dominant and HARD TO GET, she will go BLINDLY after that nice guy. The proof that I am right is that EVERY TIME a nice guy starts ACTING like a jerk, HE IS SUDDENLY WANTED BY ALL THOSE WOMEN WHO USED TO IGNORE HIM BEFORE. Women don't really want jerks. They probably want a nice guy. But ... "what women -WANT" and "what women NEED" are two different things. And their Subconscious ''genetic" programming, that NEED to feel and feel and feel, will make women go uncontrollably after what they NEED, not what they want. And that is true of EVERY person, in any area of life. They will attract into their lives and/or will go toward what they subconsciously NEED, not what they think they want. What a woman genetically NEEDS is the type of man who will trigger in her all those intense feelings and emotions. Why?. Because a female NEEDS to experience those uncontrollable feelings/emotions to surrender completely to him. Once she FEELS that way about him she will do anything and everything for/with him. Women are SUCKERS for those very intense emotions and feelings that they were "genetically" programmed to experience for a certain type of male, the dominant, strong one. They NEED to FEEL those feelings to surrender to him. It has a lot to do with Estrogen, the "feeling" hormone as opposed to testosterone, the "performance/achievement" hormone. While most men are born to be "doers" most females are "be-ers" or "feelers". Women will love and go after ANY man who is able to "ignite" those feelings in them. Unfortunately, a "nice", sensitive, wimpy type of guy does not generate those feelings in women. A strong, dominant, hard-to-get! man DOES. And the jerk fits in this category. And the jerk knows how to "ignite" those intense feelings and emotions women are addicted to. A jerk and a hard-to-get man make her feel ... feel...feel ... crazy, excited, turned on. A "nice" guy makes her feel ... feel ... feel .... bored to death. Even when women fall for a guy who is very handsome, they will leave him very quickly if they discover he is a nice guy who can be easily controlled by females. It happens all the time. And they will go after some not-so-handsome type, even ugly one, who is strong and dominant. Even married women will do the craziest things and go after THE guy who can "ignite" those feelings in them. What she loves are the feelings she FEELS. Not the guy! But in her mind, the guy and the feelings become inseparable. She loves the feelings. Therefore, she falls in love with the guy who can make her feel that way. Now, it will be totally futile to try to explain to any woman that she doesn't really love guy A. But that she really loves THE WAY guy A makes her feel. She will tell you that you are crazy. But this is the truth. In a nutshell: Person A loves person B because of the way person B makes person A feel. More precisely, Person B satisfies the deepest VALUES that Person A needs satisfied to believe/know that she is in love with Person B. Women were "genetically" programmed to be SUCKERS for intense feelings and emotions in order to surrender and mate. The jerks and the hard-to-get guys DO "trigger" those intense, uncontrollable emotions she "genetically" loves. A nice guy does NOT. ANY man who learns HOW to make her FEEL the way she was "genetically" programmed to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL, will have her doing anything and everything he wants. Remember that men are "doers". Women love feelings. They live to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL. If YOU can make her FEEL the way she wants to feel, she will LINK all those pleasurable, intense feelings with/to you. YOU will be satisfying her deepest, most treasured VALUES. Then, she will become ADDICTED to you. And you will make her fall in love with you.
You and I must understand that women DON'T go deliberately looking for a jerk. Women are not "bad" people at all. Quite the opposite. But WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY CONTROLLED BY THIS ANCIENT MATING INSTINCT. Therefore, they have NO OTHER CHOICE but to go after ANY strong, dominant, untamable male. Or any male who can make her FEEL all those intense, uncontrollable feelings she lives for. The key to understanding women's strange behavior is "they have NO OTHER CHOICE" but to fall for these type of males. And the jerk HAPPENS to be THAT TYPE of male. Or at least, the jerk has learned HOW TO PLAY that role. The nice guy IS NOT that type of male. The nice guy cannot even play that role. If a nice guy became strong and dominant and HARD TO GET, she will go BLINDLY after that nice guy. The proof that I am right is that EVERY TIME a nice guy starts ACTING like a jerk, HE IS SUDDENLY WANTED BY ALL THOSE WOMEN WHO USED TO IGNORE HIM BEFORE. Women don't really want jerks. They probably want a nice guy. But ... "what women -WANT" and "what women NEED" are two different things. And their Subconscious ''genetic" programming, that NEED to feel and feel and feel, will make women go uncontrollably after what they NEED, not what they want. And that is true of EVERY person, in any area of life. They will attract into their lives and/or will go toward what they subconsciously NEED, not what they think they want. What a woman genetically NEEDS is the type of man who will trigger in her all those intense feelings and emotions. Why?. Because a female NEEDS to experience those uncontrollable feelings/emotions to surrender completely to him. Once she FEELS that way about him she will do anything and everything for/with him. Women are SUCKERS for those very intense emotions and feelings that they were "genetically" programmed to experience for a certain type of male, the dominant, strong one. They NEED to FEEL those feelings to surrender to him. It has a lot to do with Estrogen, the "feeling" hormone as opposed to testosterone, the "performance/achievement" hormone. While most men are born to be "doers" most females are "be-ers" or "feelers". Women will love and go after ANY man who is able to "ignite" those feelings in them. Unfortunately, a "nice", sensitive, wimpy type of guy does not generate those feelings in women. A strong, dominant, hard-to-get! man DOES. And the jerk fits in this category. And the jerk knows how to "ignite" those intense feelings and emotions women are addicted to. A jerk and a hard-to-get man make her feel ... feel...feel ... crazy, excited, turned on. A "nice" guy makes her feel ... feel ... feel .... bored to death. Even when women fall for a guy who is very handsome, they will leave him very quickly if they discover he is a nice guy who can be easily controlled by females. It happens all the time. And they will go after some not-so-handsome type, even ugly one, who is strong and dominant. Even married women will do the craziest things and go after THE guy who can "ignite" those feelings in them. What she loves are the feelings she FEELS. Not the guy! But in her mind, the guy and the feelings become inseparable. She loves the feelings. Therefore, she falls in love with the guy who can make her feel that way. Now, it will be totally futile to try to explain to any woman that she doesn't really love guy A. But that she really loves THE WAY guy A makes her feel. She will tell you that you are crazy. But this is the truth. In a nutshell: Person A loves person B because of the way person B makes person A feel. More precisely, Person B satisfies the deepest VALUES that Person A needs satisfied to believe/know that she is in love with Person B. Women were "genetically" programmed to be SUCKERS for intense feelings and emotions in order to surrender and mate. The jerks and the hard-to-get guys DO "trigger" those intense, uncontrollable emotions she "genetically" loves. A nice guy does NOT. ANY man who learns HOW to make her FEEL the way she was "genetically" programmed to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL, will have her doing anything and everything he wants. Remember that men are "doers". Women love feelings. They live to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL. If YOU can make her FEEL the way she wants to feel, she will LINK all those pleasurable, intense feelings with/to you. YOU will be satisfying her deepest, most treasured VALUES. Then, she will become ADDICTED to you. And you will make her fall in love with you.
....
UGH!! Today was a crappy day. It sort of reminded me of January 1, 2005. Fucked up day! I would go into detail but some people who read this blog would be mentioned in my explanation.
Anyway, I have come up with some new resolutions:
1) Don't apologize for every little thing. If people get offended by what I say, its their problem, not mine.
2) Stop caring about people who obviously don't give a fuck about me.
3) Stop thinking about people who were in my past and not in my present.
4) Stop thinking about "that year."
5) Eat only 3 meals a day. Got to stop eating like a pig!
6) Stop asking people about their probs!
7) Have to stop making reolutions I know I won't be able to keep.
Right. So. I think I not only need to go khane on weekdays-when none of my friends are there-but I need to sit inside, where I sat before and actually pray. Or well, do what I did before. *sigh* Ever since I've gotten them back in my life, I've lost track of everything.
Just have to make sure it doesn't happen again. Need to be more thankful to Him.
Anyway, I have come up with some new resolutions:
1) Don't apologize for every little thing. If people get offended by what I say, its their problem, not mine.
2) Stop caring about people who obviously don't give a fuck about me.
3) Stop thinking about people who were in my past and not in my present.
4) Stop thinking about "that year."
5) Eat only 3 meals a day. Got to stop eating like a pig!
6) Stop asking people about their probs!
7) Have to stop making reolutions I know I won't be able to keep.
Right. So. I think I not only need to go khane on weekdays-when none of my friends are there-but I need to sit inside, where I sat before and actually pray. Or well, do what I did before. *sigh* Ever since I've gotten them back in my life, I've lost track of everything.
Just have to make sure it doesn't happen again. Need to be more thankful to Him.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Prongs jo ghand!!
UGH!! This still pisses me off! Stupid Pronger couldn't even fuckin control himself!!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
my shows!!!!
stupid birthdays...
Soooooo...
Mummy sort of wants to go to the Phantom of the Opera, but I wanna go more than she does. I decided to take her for her birthday, but its too damn expensive for me...who the fuck would pay $94 just to go watch a damn play? haha...I should go with a friend and tell mummy all about it in a card. Cuz its either the play, a card, or nothing. I'm not going to spend any money on mother dearest. I used to, but she always threw the stuff out. So...meh!
Mummy sort of wants to go to the Phantom of the Opera, but I wanna go more than she does. I decided to take her for her birthday, but its too damn expensive for me...who the fuck would pay $94 just to go watch a damn play? haha...I should go with a friend and tell mummy all about it in a card. Cuz its either the play, a card, or nothing. I'm not going to spend any money on mother dearest. I used to, but she always threw the stuff out. So...meh!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
sorry for some of my posts
I know I might be insulting some people with my posts, but they are my opinions. What I say or believe shouldn't affect others, especially since there is something called Freedom of Speech. Bitching at me or saying that I should stop voicing my opinions, is a very Bush-like thing to do. Isn't that what he did when some secretary said something bout him at a meeting? Was he not in Canada at that time? And did that lady not have a right to say what she wants. But then again, he's the greatest person and no one should be badmouthing him...right?
(being sarcastic btw)
(being sarcastic btw)
Saturday, August 12, 2006
YAYAYYAY! I'm so happy today! Finally got my comp back after three days. Life without my comp was BORING! Anyway, a whole bunch has happened since. Firstly, the Terror Plot in London. Ain't it odd that Bush knew about it yet didn't say anything until 3 hours before the attack was to occur? A plan of our dear President's? Perhaps...or maybe not. I believe we need to start acting like human-beings before we start acting out our beliefs and values. Our number one priority firstly should be the well-being of ourselves and the rest of the world. Here's an article that was posted on nexopia...
Such was the conclusion reached in the U.S. Russian generals and political scientists disagree only about its exact starting date. Our world is on the brink of another world war. It will originate August 22nd in the Middle East. The prediction was presented not by Vagna or Nostradamus but by an American political scientist Bernard Lewis in the acclaimed publication of Wall Street Journal. He is a man with close ties to the Bush administration as well as to the non-conservatives pushing for the radical solution of the “Iranian Threat.” Lewis believes it will be precisely Teheran who will unleash the ultimate conflict by attacking Israel. Why August 22nd? Perhaps simply because Washington has set a deadline for the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and has demanded a complete wrap up of the nuclear program by that day. It is obvious that Teheran has no intention to comply. Curiously, this year the night of August 22nd happens to be night Muslims will celebrate the journey of their prophet Mohammed to Jerusalem and his ascension into heaven. According to Lewis the followers of Mohammed have a perfect opportunity to enrich their celebration by throwing an attack on Israel. An immediate retaliation will follow. “Such a scenario does not seem too unrealistic to me,” comments Sergey Markov, a Russian political scientist, “These days anything is possible in the Middle East. People living there are crazy and they constantly keep playing with fire. Their situation has gone out of control and is ready to explode any minute. In fact, the new world war is already going in that place.” The First ActAs the Israeli invasion of Lebanon continues it is becoming clearer that Tel-Aviv actually aims at much more than the elimination of Hezbollah. Israel could have long since used its omnipresent scouts to put an end to the resistance’s activity. Neither does the complete destruction of all Hezbollah’s rocket-launching sites present a problem for the Israeli army with its tremendous equipment and might. So why the endless bombing of Lebanese cities and villages? And why the overwhelming U.S. support? All this is happening precisely during the time when Americans seem unable to force Iran to comply with their demands. Lebanese occupation under the excuse of defending against Hezbollah is itself an excuse for solving the Iranian problem.The Second ActIsrael has already achieved the minimum solution by getting rid of “Hezbollah” across the border. What more do they need? UN has already offered to fill the occupied area with troops and peace-keepers but Tel-Aviv has still not given its consent. The U.S. is not in hurry to give the green light either. In all actuality it looks like the two countries are intentionally waiting until Iran gets involved in the conflict. The expecting parties might anticipate the attack in the face of fired Iranian rockets, which Tel-Aviv will intercept as they had often done previously with the rockets from Iraq. This time, however, Washington and Tel-Aviv will have acquired an official right to retaliate against Iran. The Third ActIsrael will attack Iranian nuclear sites. The U.S. will provide its support through the Navy in the Persian Gulf and perhaps through the Air Force. Iran will not delay with its own full-scale attack against the Israeli sites and the U.S. ships. At this point no one can guarantee that the rest of the Arab World is going to remain watching as an innocent and uninvolved bystander.The Fourth ActVery soon such participants as Turkey will inevitably get dragged into the funnel of war. In Iraq and Afghanistan anti-government militant groups will become very active. Finally the conflict will focus on the fighting for the control over the territories with major oil resources. That is exactly with the U.S. is after. The eventual possession of the oil treasury by one of the conflicting sides will provoke harsh resistance from both Asia and Europe. Russia is also very likely to get provoked into becoming an active participant. In the end this might become the Ultimate Fifth Act, in which no one wishes to believe…Political Scientist’s OpinionAlexander Prohanov, the main editor of “Zavtra” Newspaper:“Apocalypse Tomorrow”-The pulling of the trigger leading to the tragic chain of events has been done. Syria and Iran will be pulled into the war right after Lebanon. Israeli and American attacks on Iran will lead to the interruption of oil exports into Europe and China. Their economies will suffer. In the conclusion there will be chaos all across Asia. The detonation device for the new apocalypse has been set off by Americans, obviously. They believe that they have the power and the authority to regulate the world’s chaos. But the U.S. cannot even gain control over its own minor chaos in Latin America. Let us only hope that Russia will remain neutral throughout this universal nightmare.Military’s Opinion Alexander Vladimirov, major general and vice-president of the Board of Military Experts of Russia:“Collision of Civilizations” - This war is utterly futile for either one of the sides. And as the one lacking in logic it is all the more dangerous. The most dangerous aspect lies in the fact that Israel (and perhaps even Iran by now) possess nuclear weapons and are able to put them to use. This means the beginning of the global war because other countries will not be able to remain uninvolved in the
collision of civilizations of this magnitude.
Reading this really ticked me off. If people know of this, then why the hell are they just sitting around and waiting for it to happen?? Damn politics! What pisses me off the most is the fact that this is ocuring between Muslims. Albeit the Middle East crisis right now is between Jews and Muslims, and it's something which has been going on for many years, I believe they need to get over it, team up, and solve the America situation. But they won't. Instead, they'll fight like the assholes that they are!
Anyway, I shall add more later.
Such was the conclusion reached in the U.S. Russian generals and political scientists disagree only about its exact starting date. Our world is on the brink of another world war. It will originate August 22nd in the Middle East. The prediction was presented not by Vagna or Nostradamus but by an American political scientist Bernard Lewis in the acclaimed publication of Wall Street Journal. He is a man with close ties to the Bush administration as well as to the non-conservatives pushing for the radical solution of the “Iranian Threat.” Lewis believes it will be precisely Teheran who will unleash the ultimate conflict by attacking Israel. Why August 22nd? Perhaps simply because Washington has set a deadline for the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and has demanded a complete wrap up of the nuclear program by that day. It is obvious that Teheran has no intention to comply. Curiously, this year the night of August 22nd happens to be night Muslims will celebrate the journey of their prophet Mohammed to Jerusalem and his ascension into heaven. According to Lewis the followers of Mohammed have a perfect opportunity to enrich their celebration by throwing an attack on Israel. An immediate retaliation will follow. “Such a scenario does not seem too unrealistic to me,” comments Sergey Markov, a Russian political scientist, “These days anything is possible in the Middle East. People living there are crazy and they constantly keep playing with fire. Their situation has gone out of control and is ready to explode any minute. In fact, the new world war is already going in that place.” The First ActAs the Israeli invasion of Lebanon continues it is becoming clearer that Tel-Aviv actually aims at much more than the elimination of Hezbollah. Israel could have long since used its omnipresent scouts to put an end to the resistance’s activity. Neither does the complete destruction of all Hezbollah’s rocket-launching sites present a problem for the Israeli army with its tremendous equipment and might. So why the endless bombing of Lebanese cities and villages? And why the overwhelming U.S. support? All this is happening precisely during the time when Americans seem unable to force Iran to comply with their demands. Lebanese occupation under the excuse of defending against Hezbollah is itself an excuse for solving the Iranian problem.The Second ActIsrael has already achieved the minimum solution by getting rid of “Hezbollah” across the border. What more do they need? UN has already offered to fill the occupied area with troops and peace-keepers but Tel-Aviv has still not given its consent. The U.S. is not in hurry to give the green light either. In all actuality it looks like the two countries are intentionally waiting until Iran gets involved in the conflict. The expecting parties might anticipate the attack in the face of fired Iranian rockets, which Tel-Aviv will intercept as they had often done previously with the rockets from Iraq. This time, however, Washington and Tel-Aviv will have acquired an official right to retaliate against Iran. The Third ActIsrael will attack Iranian nuclear sites. The U.S. will provide its support through the Navy in the Persian Gulf and perhaps through the Air Force. Iran will not delay with its own full-scale attack against the Israeli sites and the U.S. ships. At this point no one can guarantee that the rest of the Arab World is going to remain watching as an innocent and uninvolved bystander.The Fourth ActVery soon such participants as Turkey will inevitably get dragged into the funnel of war. In Iraq and Afghanistan anti-government militant groups will become very active. Finally the conflict will focus on the fighting for the control over the territories with major oil resources. That is exactly with the U.S. is after. The eventual possession of the oil treasury by one of the conflicting sides will provoke harsh resistance from both Asia and Europe. Russia is also very likely to get provoked into becoming an active participant. In the end this might become the Ultimate Fifth Act, in which no one wishes to believe…Political Scientist’s OpinionAlexander Prohanov, the main editor of “Zavtra” Newspaper:“Apocalypse Tomorrow”-The pulling of the trigger leading to the tragic chain of events has been done. Syria and Iran will be pulled into the war right after Lebanon. Israeli and American attacks on Iran will lead to the interruption of oil exports into Europe and China. Their economies will suffer. In the conclusion there will be chaos all across Asia. The detonation device for the new apocalypse has been set off by Americans, obviously. They believe that they have the power and the authority to regulate the world’s chaos. But the U.S. cannot even gain control over its own minor chaos in Latin America. Let us only hope that Russia will remain neutral throughout this universal nightmare.Military’s Opinion Alexander Vladimirov, major general and vice-president of the Board of Military Experts of Russia:“Collision of Civilizations” - This war is utterly futile for either one of the sides. And as the one lacking in logic it is all the more dangerous. The most dangerous aspect lies in the fact that Israel (and perhaps even Iran by now) possess nuclear weapons and are able to put them to use. This means the beginning of the global war because other countries will not be able to remain uninvolved in the
collision of civilizations of this magnitude.
Reading this really ticked me off. If people know of this, then why the hell are they just sitting around and waiting for it to happen?? Damn politics! What pisses me off the most is the fact that this is ocuring between Muslims. Albeit the Middle East crisis right now is between Jews and Muslims, and it's something which has been going on for many years, I believe they need to get over it, team up, and solve the America situation. But they won't. Instead, they'll fight like the assholes that they are!
Anyway, I shall add more later.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
bvhgjkjbj
Her birthday's coming up-actually both their birthdays are coming up. One this month, the other the next. Wow! It's so hard for me to not talk to either of them. I would be planning for her birthday-a month early. I'd be ordering the flowers now. Something I swore I'd do every year. But I can't...not this year. Because I don't know where she lives, or anyone in that city to order the flowers. Fuck! I hate myself for this. And as for the other birthday...*sigh*...nothing to say for that. I hate thinking of all that I'm missing in their lifes. ugh!
Make matters blah-er?? ackk...I can't write it in here!! fuck! Frickin ass reads it!
Anywaaayyy....
Last night I was cleaning my room and I came across the "letter." I know I shouldn't be saying this about a deceased person, but I really hate her! I hate her soo soo muchh! I hate what she did to "her." She tries to act like she's past the grieving stage, but she's not. It'll always affect her and I hate that more than anything! I hate what she's going through. If its hurting me, and I never even knew her, imagine what its doing to "her."
Make matters blah-er?? ackk...I can't write it in here!! fuck! Frickin ass reads it!
Anywaaayyy....
Last night I was cleaning my room and I came across the "letter." I know I shouldn't be saying this about a deceased person, but I really hate her! I hate her soo soo muchh! I hate what she did to "her." She tries to act like she's past the grieving stage, but she's not. It'll always affect her and I hate that more than anything! I hate what she's going through. If its hurting me, and I never even knew her, imagine what its doing to "her."
Friday, August 04, 2006
I'm so emotional today...again. I came home and no one was there so I turned on the T.V and decided to watch CNN since there was no one home to yell at me. They were showing scenes from Lebanon and Isreal. I couldn't stop crying. Not only for Lebanese people, but for Isrealis as well. All the blood, the deaths, the destruction of two beautiful cities...I can't even begin to imagine what those people must be going through. And here we are, watching the news and thinking it could never happen here. Some don't even know about the war, or haven't heard of it. I kept seeing Edmonton getting bombed. Seeing Edmontonians die, and my city being destroyed and it broke my heart even more. I think I'm finally starting to understand what having a war means. A few years ago, when 9/11 occured and a war broke out, I ignored it. Thought that it wasn't important because I didn't know anyone in the middle of the war and that it didn't concern me. Now I realize how wrong I was. God! I really wish I could do something. I hate sitting at home and watching the news, crying.
:
*sigh*
I hate what our world has come to. I thought we were done with all the wars. I suppose not. UGH!
I feel sorry for both Isreal and Lebanon. Both have innocent people dying, homes destroyed and cities being ruined. I wish that they could see what they are really doing-killing the innocent. For once, we need to stop differentiating people by their race and religion. In the end, no matter what religion you follow, you believe in God. And there is only one God...many prophets though. I was taught that religion could solve any problem, but it seems to me that it causes more. Jews and Muslims, the only difference is their perception of each other. Both can love, want peace, and have families they care about. But the other side can't see that-I wish they did, perhaps it would save many lives.
The Italian PM said that the war in the Middle East cannot be resolved without communicating. If he can understand that, why can't others?
:
*sigh*
I hate what our world has come to. I thought we were done with all the wars. I suppose not. UGH!
I feel sorry for both Isreal and Lebanon. Both have innocent people dying, homes destroyed and cities being ruined. I wish that they could see what they are really doing-killing the innocent. For once, we need to stop differentiating people by their race and religion. In the end, no matter what religion you follow, you believe in God. And there is only one God...many prophets though. I was taught that religion could solve any problem, but it seems to me that it causes more. Jews and Muslims, the only difference is their perception of each other. Both can love, want peace, and have families they care about. But the other side can't see that-I wish they did, perhaps it would save many lives.
The Italian PM said that the war in the Middle East cannot be resolved without communicating. If he can understand that, why can't others?
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Its still so hard to believe that she's isn't in my life anymore. Every reference to a best friend and I start bawling my eyes out. I could never imagine a life without her. I guess I took her for granted-believed that our friendship was too strong for anything to break it. I was wrong. I used to think of her as someone who would never leave me, who would always be my best friend.
We barely ever refered to each other as best friends. It was either a mutual understanding, or we were too afraid to acknowledge it. GOD! Its been eight months and I'm still thinking of her...missing her. I feel like an idiot! Why can I never get over people? Why do I always make the same mistake of trusting people, of loving people, and of making people my everything. Its like I'm cursed.
First her, then A, then 'preet, and my best friend. Four people that meant everything to me. But the one who meant the most, the one I thought would always be by my side...I screwed things up. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember what happened. But what makes me feel really guilty is forgetting what it felt like to talk to her, forgetting what we talked about, and just...forgetting her. But then, sometimes it just comes back to me and all I want during those times is to call her, or talk to her on msn/nex, and laugh it off. Or better yet...tell her how much I love her and what she means to me. I can't though, because i'm scared. I'm scared because whenever I try talking to you, I remember your last words to me--"I don't need you in my life anymore." Those words were the worst I ever heard, and I can hear them echoing in my mind even when I'm not thinking about you.
I'm sorry, I really am. I wish I could turn baack time because I know that what w had we could never have again. So, turning back time would be the only way to make things right with us.
*sigh*
I wish she could read this.
We barely ever refered to each other as best friends. It was either a mutual understanding, or we were too afraid to acknowledge it. GOD! Its been eight months and I'm still thinking of her...missing her. I feel like an idiot! Why can I never get over people? Why do I always make the same mistake of trusting people, of loving people, and of making people my everything. Its like I'm cursed.
First her, then A, then 'preet, and my best friend. Four people that meant everything to me. But the one who meant the most, the one I thought would always be by my side...I screwed things up. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember what happened. But what makes me feel really guilty is forgetting what it felt like to talk to her, forgetting what we talked about, and just...forgetting her. But then, sometimes it just comes back to me and all I want during those times is to call her, or talk to her on msn/nex, and laugh it off. Or better yet...tell her how much I love her and what she means to me. I can't though, because i'm scared. I'm scared because whenever I try talking to you, I remember your last words to me--"I don't need you in my life anymore." Those words were the worst I ever heard, and I can hear them echoing in my mind even when I'm not thinking about you.
I'm sorry, I really am. I wish I could turn baack time because I know that what w had we could never have again. So, turning back time would be the only way to make things right with us.
*sigh*
I wish she could read this.
I am B-O-R-E-D!!! Ugh!! Honestly...I have NOTHING to do! Stupid stupid stupid August 1!! I've never liked that day. It means winter is coming, school is going to start soon, and fugly things! hbgyvghvgfcghvhbj
I'm really craving some chocolate and coffee...but my granny is at home and if I have either she'll get mad. Did I mention I'm not allowed coffee for a week?!!??! AAAHHHHH!!! I swear, my family is trying to kill me! A week without coffee?? Especialy when I got my rag!?!?!PREPOSTEROUS!!
I think I'll sneak some later. For now, I'll just lock myself in my room and sleeeeeeeppp. :D
Btw...I'm LOVING Passions! The whole thing with Jared and Theresa...or should I say TESS!! lmao. Poor Theresita, Jared pushes her buttoms waayy too much. It really reminds me of the Ethan and Theresa days. And the whole Louis and Fancy. OH DEAR LORD!! It is sooo obvious Loius fancies Fancy! Their kiss was awesome! Its about time Louis goes for someone who ISN'T Sheridan. Although, Fancy is Sheridan's neice. mhmmm...
On Tuesdays epi...everyones having sex. Kay and Mig, Fox and Siren, and Chad and Whitney. It was hilarious!! The "siren" song ended and Fox came out of his trance. He thinks of Kay, looks at Siren, says "holy shit! what am I doing in bed with you?" He looks under the sheets..."OMG! I"M NAKED!" Siren smiles and lifts her side of the sheets and Fox yells, "AHH! YOU ARE TOO!" lmfaoooo!! The same scene happens with Kay and Miguel! She got her memory back...she goes looking for Fox and finds him fucking Siren. hahahahaha! Dear Lord! I love this show! I can't believe I wont be able to watch it in high school. Stupid school lets out at 3:30...so i'll get home at 4. : DAMNIT! 7 years of watching Passions, and I have to stop because it doesnt fit in wth my schedule. :(
neways, imma go get some chocolate from under the couch...my granny finally left. LOL.
I'm really craving some chocolate and coffee...but my granny is at home and if I have either she'll get mad. Did I mention I'm not allowed coffee for a week?!!??! AAAHHHHH!!! I swear, my family is trying to kill me! A week without coffee?? Especialy when I got my rag!?!?!PREPOSTEROUS!!
I think I'll sneak some later. For now, I'll just lock myself in my room and sleeeeeeeppp. :D
Btw...I'm LOVING Passions! The whole thing with Jared and Theresa...or should I say TESS!! lmao. Poor Theresita, Jared pushes her buttoms waayy too much. It really reminds me of the Ethan and Theresa days. And the whole Louis and Fancy. OH DEAR LORD!! It is sooo obvious Loius fancies Fancy! Their kiss was awesome! Its about time Louis goes for someone who ISN'T Sheridan. Although, Fancy is Sheridan's neice. mhmmm...
On Tuesdays epi...everyones having sex. Kay and Mig, Fox and Siren, and Chad and Whitney. It was hilarious!! The "siren" song ended and Fox came out of his trance. He thinks of Kay, looks at Siren, says "holy shit! what am I doing in bed with you?" He looks under the sheets..."OMG! I"M NAKED!" Siren smiles and lifts her side of the sheets and Fox yells, "AHH! YOU ARE TOO!" lmfaoooo!! The same scene happens with Kay and Miguel! She got her memory back...she goes looking for Fox and finds him fucking Siren. hahahahaha! Dear Lord! I love this show! I can't believe I wont be able to watch it in high school. Stupid school lets out at 3:30...so i'll get home at 4. : DAMNIT! 7 years of watching Passions, and I have to stop because it doesnt fit in wth my schedule. :(
neways, imma go get some chocolate from under the couch...my granny finally left. LOL.
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