fuck love

I remember when I used to crave wanting to go back. I thought everything would be alright. Things would be better.
When things became a bit like they were before, I blocked everything out. I wish I never remembered. I wish I didn't care. I was happy. After remembering and going back to all that, it scared me....

Fuck!
I'm a wreck right now. I'm bitching at everyone. I think I might've even lost her. I don't even feel bad. She's being so annoying and only says stuff that I want to hear. She cares too much. I can't have that. Not anymore. It hurts when people care too much. Cause when they leave, both of us will hurt.


I've been worrying about her too much lately. Its stressing me out. I don't want to tell her. I can't even tell her about my stuff.
I hate how overprotective I am of her. I know she'll hurt me again. Always does.


Mother dearest has officially given up on me. Its been a week. No calls...haven't even seen her. Karim said I can't even live with him. And Shemina doesn't want me either. I guess I'm not wanted here or there. Fuck! She always does this! I'm so tired of it! She'll come back. They'll break up and she'll come. My grandma can't say anything and as for me, well, I don't have a choice in the matter.
She honestly thinks that I don't care about any of it. She thinks I've never wanted a father. I have. I want a daddy too. One that'll tuck me in at night and hug me goodnight. One that'll spoil me like crazy but also yell at me when I'm being an idiot. But its too late for all that. She can't expect me to accept her boyfriend. I'm not ready to let another person in. The people I have in my life right now are enough. I'm even tired of some of them.

Fuck!
She worries me so much.
When we were talking, I worried about her. And when we didn't talk, I still worried. I just want her to be happy, but nothing ever seems to work. She's been so distant from everyone. I wouldn't even mind if she talked to other people, but she's not.
Sometimes I feel that if I talked to her like before, made plans for a sleepover or something, then perhaps the old her would come back.

Goddamnit! I hate how I care more about her happiness then my own.
I woke up this morning really happy, but as soon as I went on nex and read people's blog...I felt blah. A and her both seem like there's something wrong. But neither of them ever tell me what it is. I've given up trying to ask them.
Funny how I was so jealous when they were best friends, but now I'd give anything for them to have that again.

:(

So, a friend and I are having a conversation about guys.
Do they really feel things? It seems like females are the only ones who get hurt and feel as deeply about things. And if males do feel the same, then perhaps they cope better.
I wish I knew how their minds worked.

*sigh*

Boy...

When I look into your eyes

I see sumthin’ that money can’t buy

And I know if you give us a try

I’ll work harder for you boy

then you ever had a chance to find

The boyfriend is coming tonight. Went out and bought a ton of chocolate. I'll need as much as I can get. Ugh! Stupid mother!...Major stress factor in my life. Remind me never to have kids. I'll get even more stressed than I do with mummy.

Blogging sucks. There's nothing to write about.

Hhmm, Christmas tomorrow.

What exactly is the point of Christmas? Most people only celebrate it for the presents. You spend money, get gifts you might not even like, then forget all about it until next year.
Joy!

Ack!

I'm so blah today. I miss my chodu!(Sorry for stealing your word lish)

15 days till school!!!

I can't wait!!!

:D

&& its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happenbut its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want

ugh!

Things were finally going good with me and her. We talked...and things kind of seemed like before. And that scared me. I don't want things to be exactly like before. I hate living with that fear that she'll do it again. Perhaps that's why I say things I don't mean. To let her know that things will never be the same. I know she's changed, but that fear hasn't gone away.

Then there's A who is a bit jealous of her because she means so much to me. I think A is scared that she will steal me away from her. (does that even make sense?!? I hate not being able to use names!)

AAAHHHH

I got so much chocolate!! Mummy and I went shopping twice this week...before school. And we bought tons and tons of chocolate. I got her to give her share to me cause her boyfriend is coming and I'm sure she doesn't want to look fat for him. lmfao.

I really need to write in my blog more often. Screw laziness. ahah.

Winter break...sucks!

:(

Kuthro kidanjo! 2 weeks vaste inke neh nara...ghandsaf better miss me.

:P

So confusing!!

AAAHHH!!
Why in the world are guys so confusing???

Does anyone know how to tell if a guy likes you???
Be specific please!! I'm tired of hearing that they flirt and touch you a lot...because I do that with almost every guy so I'm sure guys do that with random girls too.

you only hurt the ones you love

Everyone has secrets, things they are afraid to tell others. As frightening as some may be to share, sometimes you need to. It might hurt the other person, but its better to tell them yourself than to have them find out on their own or through other people.

There is one person in my life who finds it easier to hide stuff from me than to face my anger and hatred. We both know what my reaction will be, but it's their duty to involve me in issues such as this.

I know we'll never have the sort of relationship that others have, but perhaps one day we will. Until then, I need to know that it's ok for me to sort things out for myself....without you. With you, my reason for living becomes jumbled.

just give me some time, I'll adjust to your life

stupid birthdays...

What's so great about birthdays anyway? Its just a day. Nothing special ever happens. You look the same...feel the same.
UGH!
I hate birthdays. Its the stupidest day ever. Even stupider than Valentine's Day.

Been sitting infront of the computer the whole day with not a single phone call. Only 3 people remembered.
The one person I was hoping to hear from hasn't called or emailed. No point in waiting. As usual...this day is the awkwardest.

I absolutely hate sexist people. My family is the most sexist family ever!!
Apparently I can't watch hockey anymore because its a "guy" sport and girls aren't supposed to watch it-only guys are.
I guess Karim is gay, since he doesn't watch it.
Fackk! I have the fuckiest relatives! I hate them with a passion.
That brings me to my next point:
How do you know if you actuay love your family. They are the people you've been around since you were born, but how does it turn into love? What if its only an attachment to those people? Being around them all day, perhaps its become a habit of some sort. And when one of those people leave, we cry and get depressed because something from our daily lives changes.
I know from personal experience that whenever I say "I love you" to anyone in my family, I don't feel anything. Is it just me? Am I just that selfish that I don't even love my own family?
But then again, what is love? Does anyone really know? Is it just a feeling of deep affection for someone? or something someone made up to make it seem like us humans aren't as bad as we seem?
I hate this. Its bugging me so much.

I wish I could talk to her about it...about anything. I miss her so much.
Perhaps that's what love is. Missing someone so bad that all you want to do is curl up and cry forever. But I don't think that's love either. Because if it were love, then it would be strong enough that the other person wouldn't leave.
Everyone leaves...eventually.
Whether that be a day, or a week, or a year...they do leave.
In my opinion, its easier if a person dies. At least they have a reason to not be there. And it won't hurt as much. Because you could make yourself believe that if they were alive they would be with you.

stressfulll muchh??

I've come to the conclusion that hockey is VERY STRESSFUL!
When I have 8 cups of coffee....that's when you know something is VERY wrong! Damn!
I love the game...but frick!...I hate o/t and s/o.
Oh! Btw, for those of you who don't pay attention to hockey, the Oilers won 4-3 against the Red Wings in a shootout! Awesome game!!

I shall start updating on Oiler games hee as well. Already doing it on my nex blog. LOL.

Anyway, I'm extremely tired.

Love ya all,

MEEEEE!!!

gyhghjg

It's ironic how the things you've left behind still come back to haunt you.

I keep stressing about my marks. They are so fucking low! Goddamnit!
67% in English
70% in Social
76% in Science
92% in Math
It's practically killing me inside. I haven't gotten lower than 75 since grade 2. I know all my stuff, but when it comes to doing my homework or studying, I see the computer, or the TV, and just succumb to one of them. I hate it so much!
So, I got one of my friend's to change my nex password and not tell me until the end of November.
I'm going to try living my life with just msn. If that doesn't work, then I'll get my password changed for msn as well. I really need to get my marks up. Now, I just need to work with my TV schedule. Damnnn!! As if the computer thing wasn't hard enough.

Alright so:
Monday: 2 brown shows=1hour
Tuesday: Gilmore Girls only=1hour
Wednesday: One tree Hill and 1 brown show=1hour 30min
Thursday: The O.C. only=1hour
(If hockey game, then watch only game...download show on weekend)
Total hours per week: 4hours 30min

Hahaha!! I love making up schedules and shit that I know I'll never follow. Meh! At least it makes me feel organized and shit.
LOL

The whole day today I've been humming the Trojon Condomn commercial theme. dayummm! It's so addicting. =[

frickin IB

Piece of advice to you all: Do Not Take IB!
It sucks! The teachers expect you to be brilliant. Asking questions will usually get you the "you-are-stupid" look.
Not to mention that the Math Portfolios suck! They barely teach it to you. The questions are bullshitty and I hate it!
fackkk

kk...gots to go back to the game. Even though we're losing by 2. 2-0.
dayummm we suck

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!!

Edmonton Oilers coach Craig MacTavish was fined $10,000 US Saturday by
the NHL for criticizing referee Mick McGeough for a blown call in the Oilers'
3-2 home loss to the Dallas Stars on Friday night.


"The NHL
acknowledges the fact that referee Mick McGeough made the wrong call on a play
late in the game, which he later admitted to the media following the game,"
director of hockey operations Colin Campbell said in a release.
"While the
NHL regrets the missed call, Craig MacTavish's comments after the game regarding
the call were totally inappropriate and crossed the line."
McGeough waved off
what would have been a game-tying goal by the Oilers' Ales Hemsky with 4.1
seconds left. The referee blew his whistle just before Hemsky put the puck in
the net after deciding Edmonton centre Shawn Horcoff had made a glove pass off
the preceding faceoff. Replays, though, showed no such infraction.
Speaking
to reporters after the game, MacTavish lambasted McGeough for the call and for
delivering it in the referee's familiar animated fashion.
"It was a retarded
call," MacTavish snapped. "There is no other explanation for it. I know he is a
veteran official and at times I have found his antics humorous. But if this is
the product of that, there is a problem.
"It was a ridiculous call. I had no
idea what he had called. Nobody saw the hand pass on the play because quite
clearly there wasn't one. It's beyond reason.
"He should be
suspended."
McGeough's ruling also inflamed the Edmonton crowd, which
littered the ice with debris, some directed at the officiating crew as it headed
for its dressing room.

FACK!!!
"It was a retarded call."
What the hell did he say wrong? It's facking true!!! Shouldn't Magoo get fined? He lost us a game!! We definately would have won...but nooo...that fucking bastard..! I swear he had a thing against the Oilers! He called it right away...without even looking! OPEN YOUR FRICKIN EYES BASTARD!!
Whatever! I'm glad someone had the guts to badmouth the goo. That was the most fucked up game ever! First the refs don't call the first Dallas goal which should have been goalie interference! And they call the Edm goal which was not a glove pass!

"It was a blown call on my part," McGeough said after the game. "It was poor judgment on my part. I thought he had his hand on the puck on the faceoff but it was his stick. My judgment was poor on the play."

Poor judgement my ass!

Fuck!
Apparently I'm very rude, loud and bitchy. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut and to keep my comments to myself. BUT!...If anyone else does the same, it's fucking considered normal!
There are some bastards in the world you enjoy rubbing it in that if you take a J out of my name, it becomes their favorite word.

Holy mother of pearl!
I'm pms-ing like crazy! I've been crying since A supposed "friend" ofmine called me that fuckin name that I fucking hate! It reminds of me of that fucktard and his friend. I feel the same way I did whenthey ruined my birthday last year. I could honest to God kill one of them...or anyone!
I wish I never had a conscious. No wait...Its actually a good thing. Or else I'd be a muderer. I got the worst anger issues (if you couldn't already tell).




Fine! I admit it...
*sigh*
People are right. I am turning into the world's biggest bitch. And its not only because I have my rag. I say rude things to people's faces and behind their backs. I don't seem to care when people say shit to me. I just say shit back because that's what they expect me to do.
I'm losing them again. Alison too this time. Everyone was right before. There's something wrong with me. There are some who are telling me that I'm changing...becoming stronger, ect. But I'm not. I'm turning back into what I was for the past 2 years. As much as I try, I just can't seem to get over it. Something always reminds me of it.

Sometimes all I want to do is give up again. I've forgotten who I am. Or who I was. I'm holding onto events or people, but I can barely seem to remember what made them so special. I know I'm doing the wrong thing by not appreciating what I have. I do appreciate it, but I just can't seem to express it. I get scared because I haven't dont that much.

Fuck!
It sounds like I'm trying to explain why I'm turning into a bitch. I'm not trying to explain it. I'm just...I don't know what the hell I'm doing or what's going on!

I think I'm going crazy!

*her*

I'm extremely happy yet sad at the same time.
I didn't know how much I missed her until I saw her today. It's been a almost a year since I saw her, and more than2 years since we actually talked.

I don't know what to say about it.

She's leaving. Not that I'm surprised-she lives there now. But still, having her back...I've thought about her every single day...prayed that she's happy. Seeing her, at first I was sad and mad. I wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do since the last time we talked I said some nasty things to her. Rude things which I regretted.

I feel like an idiot. I'm supposed to be past all of this. I'm supposed to not feel anything. But I still love her so much. She was everything to me...and still is. The one person who knew everything about me. The one who would forgive me for everything and anything and always kept me going.

I wish we could've talked for longer. But I guess I'll just have to live with what I had today.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

I haven't written in over a week.
Not much to write about. My life is so boring right now. Well, I got asked out by this freaky kid at work. Kept saying how pretty I was and how stupid other guys are that they haven't asked me out yet. Dear lord! Such rubbish!
Anyway, I could go into more detail about how screwed up I'm becoming, but I can't talk about it.
lol.

Luv,
Meee!!!

I'll try to add a picture or something tmr.

Aw!!!!

BeBo134- Online
-Age 15,
Female
Do you Realize?..how long we've been friendsDo you Realize?...we
havent always stayed tightDo You Realize?...just exactly how deep our friendship
actually runsDo You realize?..no matter how pissed off we get,it never endsDo
you realize?...you've always forgave me no matter whatDo you realize?...you're
changine,and Ima love you for itDo you realize?...exactly how much shit we been
throughDo you Realize?...how much you mean to meDo you realize?..you mean so
much that I took the time to write this for youDo you Realize...you drive me
insane,but I fuking love you

I love this girl!! She's my bestest. Always been there...and I know she always will be!!

I wish I could tell her how much she means to me. I can't though...because I haven't been the type to express things like that.

Funnies!!!

Today I laughed like a maniac. Here are some of the funny things that happened (probably not in chronological order):


-My friend Alison likes this guy..Omar. So shes like "I get to see someone today. guess who is it..the first 2 guesses dont count. so I was like "Omar Omar...those don't count..BEN!"

-i was in the changerooms for the fitness centre and i was looking in the mirror and smiling and i made a weird noise LOL...then i hear the same noise like realli loud and it was longer...and i thought my friend kate did that(she was in the bathroom ) so i was like "omg kate what are u doing in there?"


-kay..so it goes all quiet and then i hear some guy make a moaning sound it and sounds like its coming from near us so we run to the showers and hide and kate is like "be quiet...he's horny..he'll rape us!" and it was really loud


-Alright so then...we go looking for alison after we changed and we start running around the whole school cuz no one was there and then i kate touches me and im like "omg kate! not right now...wait till we're in bed" and then some guy shows up and i was like "shit! do u think he heard me..." and kates like "damnit alishah...ppl arent suppoised tro know bout us!" so we look at the guy again & the poor guy heard.


we're walking up the ramp and im like "omg omg look...BLACK GUYS!" and they heard so kate hit me and is likew "ur gunna get us beat up." so i shut my mouth and try not to laugh...the guys walk by and one guy is like "hey look its ur gf" oter guy says "no way man" some other guy says " u wish she were" me n kate nvr heard amd alison was telling us bout it after we went past them and when she said "look its ur gf" i was like "HE WAS TALKING BOUT ME!"

-We are working out and I go on the bikes. Alison goes on the treadmill and Kate goes home. The bike is going too fast for me so I said: "OMG Alison! This is too fast! How do you slow it down?" Two black guys are on the bikes beside me and start laughing. I turn to them and say "Are you laughing at me?!" They nod and I give them a bad look. They tell me to look at them and they start going super fast. I get off the bike and see Alison and Kristen(the trainer) laughing their asses off.

After our workout, Alison stops outside the fitness centre to get a drink and one those car-washy things is driving by abd I have my back turned to it. I push the button on the vending machine and it beeps and I freak out and look at Alison and she says "What are you looking at me for? The janitor is honking the horn at you."

OH DEAR LORD
Please tell me why I'm such an idiot.
So many more funny things happen today. I can't type it out right now because I'm too busy laughing. LOL

Why is it that every time I come home in time for Passions everyone on it is always having sex?!?! Don't the producers have a better storyline than whose fucking who?? ugh! Srsly...this isn't healthy for those lonely people who have nothingbetter to do than watch these stupid soaps(aka ME!). What a screwed up way to make a lonely person feel even more lonlier!

Every since I joined the fitness centre at school (Sept 11, one month ago) I've only gone twice! Twice in a whole month! And then there are my friends who go every morning and after school. It makes me feel so fat...so instead of working out, I go buy more chocolate! Fuk

OMG!!! THOSE LOOK SOOOOOOOO GOOOD!!!!

ugh

OMG
There is something seriously wrong with me...or perhaps its the influence of a certain someone(lol).
I keep thinking of men. All men, any man, random men! Not normal!! And...its not only thinking about the men...I go into detail(if you know what I mean).
Holy shit!
I'm so deprived!

Oiler Update

Ok, so I just realized that I never updated on the first game of the season.
Obviously, my boys won!!
Although there were a bit too many penalties-for both teams. I'm really hating how strict the referees are being.

The second game-today-started off pretty good. My boy Lupul got the first goal. Then stupid Yelle got a goal in the last 8secs. UGH!

Oh well, that was only the first period. I'll update more while the game is going on.




Ok...so we sucked!
2-1
Not a bad loss...but still.

My fav Budha Call ...LOL

Ok. So I'm feeling much better than I was a few hours ago. Talks with my favoritest person always helps bring up my mood. Anyway, she sent me this: \

http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PHOENIX-AZ/KZZP-FM/snake-dontusethemouth.mp3

Check it out. Its hilarious.
Perhaps it'll help you if you're down.

so tired of my life

It bugs me so much that my "family" expects so much from me. My mother expects me to accept all her boyfriends. I don't get told by her. For example, this weekend she went to her boyfriend's place. I wasn't told about it. I had plans, which I told her about weeks ago, and yet she didn't even find it important to tell me to call them off. My grandmother just told me why she went. Mother dearest is planning on getting engaged...possibly get married this weekend. I wasn't told about it.

God! I just can't deal with this.

Feelings

Sometimes its hard to sort out your thoughts. So difficult to put into words what you're feeling. You want to share, to let it out, but in doing so you need to know your feelings. You need to know yourself in order to let others into your thoughts.

Its like a piece of you that's always changing, hiding, waiting for you to put into words. And by the time you do understand, its gone. And to recapture that feeling, that moment, it almost seems impossible.

Hearing another person phrasing their own feelings and it relating to your own circumstances, it helps you connect. But that rarely happens. Most times, we're left to deal with things ourselves cause most of us have learned that trying to explain it makes no difference.

Letting people in when we know its not right. Pushing others away because you're afriad of what will come out of it. Just some examples of how everything always plays into what you know. What you want, need, how you feel. Asking other people's opinions is an easier way out of things. Usually its not what you would like, its just a way to make life more simple.

Following other people, you know that whatever the result, you can blame them. Yet, when you follow your own advice, and things go wrong, you're left by yourself. Because its times like those that everyone leaves. Not because you want them to, or because they want to, but they leave because you can't relate to them. You can't describe to them what it is that's gone wrong.

Even while writing this, I couldn't exactly describe what I wanted to. I started off with something else, and went into another thing. I guess that's why humans are the most confusing and interesting creatures. We have feelings. Feelings that are unique to each individual. And to explain it, and recapture it for another is the most difficult thing to do.

Every day, there's only one person I think about. Every day, ever hour, ever minute, every second-only you. I hate that. I don't want to live every moment of my life thinking of that person. I want those happy moments that I can enjoy wholeheartedly. Am I jinxing my future? I hope not.

Anyway, as usual, I've been very emotional the past few days. This girl and I have stopped talking and surprisingly, I don't feel anything. I'm not mad or sad, or happy for that matter. However, I do miss my ex-best friend. Being around her so much has made me so grumpy. I keep hurting. And its the angry kind of hurt. I feel like hurting her back. I want her to feel the way I do. But she doesn't. She acts like I'm invisible. I hate being invisible. I'm selfish-If I'm not happy, no one should be. God! What an awful way to live life!

Funny how I'm so caught up on the people I lost a long time ago, and not so worried about the ones I'm losing right now.

HB

Happy Birthday.

I know I wont be able to say it to you, however much I wish to. I always thought that I'd always wish you and send you flowers, but I never imagined you to move away.
I hope you had a great day. I miss you.

Love,
Alishah
(L)

Hellooooooo

I haven't written in forever!!! I'm sooo busy lately that I don't even have time to read...or go on the comp!
Anyway, here's a bit of whats going on:

-I joined the fitness center at school. I actually work out now! yayay! LOL
-I tried quitting my job but I felt bad because I realized that if I quit than they wont have anyone to do that job! So...I decided to stay for another month. Zut! lmfaooo
-I tried fasting...Kept it for half aday. Then tried giving up chocolate, coffee, and fast food. Lasted a day!
-I haven't been able to watch any of my shows for two weeks!
-Me and Karim haven't talked for a week....I miss himm. *blush*
-Ever since I started working out, I gained 5pounds. I don't think the whole "working out" thing is working for me!
-I think I'm pms-ing a week ahead. Is that normal??? *confused*
-Oh...and I went to my first ever hockey game. Wow! How sad. It was my FIRST! eeekk. Hopefully not my last. Although I think it will be. I'm soo broke and busy. lol.

Hmm. I think there's more that happened, but I can't seem to remember. Kay, so, I had to write this in 7min. I'm going to go shower, then sleep cause I have to wake early tomorrow to study!
I hate school!

Muslims...

I was talking to one of my mum's co-worker's a few days ago. He had recently come back from Dubai and I asked him how Dubai was. He replied by talking of the slave labor. Then he made a comment which really disturbed me. His comment was: Those Muslims don't know how to treat people.

This really upset me. Firstly, he had no right to generalize that all Muslims are at fault. Perhaps it was a few, but not all. It would have been alright to say "Some people in Dubai don't know how to treat others." Has the media influenced us that much that we've forgotten that we are humans first, and then our ethnicity comes into play. Why don't we discriminate when it comes to other people. For example, when the Pope gave that speech, why did we not say that all Christians were rude? Why is it that if a person does something and is a Muslim, it becomes a big deal, but if someone else does the same thing and they are a non-Muslim, it is brushed off? In the end, it comes to the conclusion that both those people are human. Their background shouldn't matter.

I remember a few years ago, when 9/11 occurred, a non-Muslim murdered someone, they thought he was Muslim. The headlines reported that perhaps it was a terrorist attack. However, when it was proven that he wasn't, the headlines immediately said: Depressed/Suicidal man...

This goes back to one of my previous posts when I said that a terrorist is a person who terrorizes a place/person. A terrorist cannot be defined as a Muslim.

So, I come to my conclusion: Please do not assume that all Muslims are evil. Many of us are just innocent bystanders who are victims of circumstances. The same way some people ruin the image of America, or any other place, we have a few people ruining the image of Islam.

9/11

I know this is a bit late but I forgot to post it until today. I've had no time to go on the comp. Sorry...

Today is the fifth anniversary of that terrible day which changed the world. I still remember that day. I was in grade 5. I was walking to class and Jessica ran up to me and screamed out "The Twin Towers just collapsed! Two planes...omg!" She, like many of us at that age, didn't understand the seriousness of the situation. I ran home that day at lunch, and found my family sitting infront of the T.V. watching the events take place. The tragedy that took away more than a thousand people and tore apart families still sticks vividly in many of our minds. Nine years old, I thought this whole thing was exciting. I watched the news every day for a week. Slowly, I forgot about it.

Now, five years later, watching the same even occuring on tv stations, I feel sad. Sad for both sides. America lost hundreds of innocent citizens that day, and the other side had to face a war. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I guess that was the case with Afghanistan and America. I'm still not sure who started it all. "Bin Laden" wouldn't have killed millions for no reason. There's a reason for everything. Background info is the most important in making decisions and sadly we don't have that.

However, whatever the circumstances, the 9/11catastrophe that struck New York was a terrible day. Mothers and fathers lost their children, children lost their parent(s), loved ones were gone. All they were left with are bittersweet memories. And to that, I bow my head and pray for the ones who were affected personally by this disaster.

It doesn't even feel like 5 years. It feels like yesterday that it happened. The chaos...it was bizarre. Yet at the same time, so much has happened. Maybe, the coming years will become better. Perhaps the wars will lessen and we'll learn to forgive and not to fight back. Like I said before, An eye for an eye, makes the whole world blind.

All coming back

Last night my mother hit me after eight months. She's been threatening to do it a lot lately. It wasn't the hit that hurt me, it was that just one touch brought back everything I was trying to hide. It all just came back to me. Or maybe it started at the party. Either way, I feel it coming back. I wish I never went. I wish I could hide in my room for the rest of my life. But no, that wouldn't be safe either, at least not in my family. I hate what those years did to me. 2 years which left a scar in me forever. I still remember those days. I was so afraid of everything. No one realized anything till I burst. I hated my family for that. I guess a part of me always will. They yell at me sometimes for not being a good daughter, granddaughter, neice, ect. But can they really blame me? All I get from them is lectures on how I'm the worst person ever, how they wish they had someone else. And when its not that, then its buying me stuff.

I used to pray so much for all the people who hurt me. I prayed for their happiness and I prayed that none of them would have to go through what I did. I know it probably doesn't seem like much...losing someone, but really, from experience, I can say its the worst thing ever. I rather be hurt physically than emotionally. The isolation, the crying, the looks you get from the people. It al cuts deep in your soul and then, there comes a day when Fate decides to help you, and sends someone to help you. But thats not enough. Because the scar is always going to be there. If you're not careful, it'll come back. It'll open and you'll realize that there is no way to hide from it. So, in the end, you walk around with a smile on your face, convincing yourself and othes that you're alright, when in reality, all you want to do is cry underneath your blankets with the doors locked.

I can't ask Mowla for help. Because the only thing I need from Him is help to get into uni. Its so important to me. The only thing I'm sure about. The only thing that keeps me sane.

jgfhgbujhkn

I miss her so much right now. I'm always thinking about her-every second. But right now...its more than usual. Maybe its the night, or maybe something else, I don't know.

At the party, I felt so out of place. I knew all the people, but I was still shy. I wanted to have fun...laugh, talk...but I couldn't. I kept thinking about her, or last year. I really need to get over both things, but they've become a part of me. The more I try to forget, the more I remember.

I miss talking to her, hearing her response to things, making her laugh. She was all I had. I don't think I've felt a biger shock in my life than when she left. Everyone thinks I've forgetten her, and they are all happy to know that. Little do they know that everything I do is controlled by her. She's like my conscious. I started talking more, going out, and opening up more because I know that she would have wanted me to. But now, I don't even know her. She's a memory. If she came to me now, we wouldn't even be able to talk. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember some significant moments. My favorite, the one that stands out the most is when she was sitting alone after a bad day, and I sat beside her even though we weren't on good terms, and I gave her kleenex and stayed by her until she was alright. We never talked though, and I liked that the best.

I hate how if I have "them" then I start missing her even more. Is it wrong for me to want both them and her? I treated her like shit. People kept confusing me. They said that she doesn't care. That she only talked to me because of him. And it pissed me off even more when I emailed every day, and I never got a reply. After I lost her, I realized how wrong I was, but by then it was too late.

Today was just a weird day. I've been noticing that we all have changed so much lately. Its like the older we get, the further apart we are. I hate that so much because we've spent forever with each other. I really don't want us to seperate. I love them all soo much. specially the one I've known since I was 5. We get into so many fights, but we can never stay mad at each other for more than a day. I was so worried about her, she looked so blah at cec.

I'm just glad I now know how important these people are in my life before I lose them.

Blog???

What exactly is the point of having a blog? Is it to write down things that interest you, the political world, issues that surround the world, or...about whatever you want? This has been bugging me so much. I keep thinking I'm writing stuff that shouldn't go on a blog. I bet some of the people who read my blog are probably thinking "Who in the world is this Alishah person? She's weird."
So, if any of you know what should go on a blog...please let me know.

aw

when the tears come s t r e a m i n g down your face, when you lose something you can`t replace .when you love someone, but it goes to waste . could it be worse ?high up above or down below, when your too in love to let it go .if you n e v e r try you`ll never know . . .just what you`re worth

High School

First day of high school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess going to a new place always makes a person nervous...or is it just me??

Anyway, I found my classes in time, with a bit of some help from people. However, when it came time to go to my computer class, I totaly freaked out. There were two sides and I didn't know which one to go to. So, I asked one of the teachers and he told me I was to stay in the side I was on, so I did. Fuck! Turns out I was sitting on the wrong side the whole time. My teacher-the one I was supposed to be with-was so pissed. Not my fault though!! Ugh! I want to change that course! I hate computer classes.

The rest of the day went alright I suppose. My plan: eat lunch with my "friends," other than that, I won't be doing much socializing.

High school just started, and I already hate it. I can't wait till the summer!

crappy crappy

Last night I learned a lot about my mum. Not because I was told, but more of the fact that my grandmother was telling some guests. I just happened to be in the kitchen making coffee when the conversation started. Apparently-I don't know why I didn't notice this from the pictures-but my mum's family was not a part of her wedding. She had gone to India for a vacation, married my father, and a few days later, her in-laws called my grandmother telling her to come for dinner. Something happened (missed it), but my mum took a whole bottle of pills. They rushed her to khane at 3 in the morning (my grandmother was mukhiani) and by the time my grandma came out to the car, my mother was blue. They took her to the hospital, where she got better and found out that she was pregno! Yes, after 5 days of marriage my mum was pregnant! Fucking great eh?? No wonder she seems to hate me sometimes. Apparently suicide and depression run in the family. My mum, both my aunties and myself.

Anyway, the thing which really pissed me off was that strangers knew more about me and my family than I did. Fuck! So I did what I always do in these situations-I emmersed myself in books. I stayed up all night, read 3 books and finally fell asleep at 12. Ihad a mere 35min of sleep before I frantically woke up thinking it was 1pm--Passions time.

So, now I'm exhausted, but at the same time very awake. My whole body is aching, I got a killer migrane, and I have to work till 10!! Foook!!!

I'm a spoiled brat

I am dying..dying!...to go watch The Phantom of the Opera. Fuck man!!! I keep thinking about it. You know where it would be even funner to watch??? In Paris, or London. But I am not waiting a whole year to watch it!!...Depending on whether we even go next summer. Mummy said I have to save up since there's a lot to do in England and a lot of shopping and shit. Said she won't pay for it all. She gave me such a big lecture last night about how she's a single parent and how she has to take care of the whole family. Fuck! Am I supposed to care that your mother, and brother depend on you?? Screw them. You gave birth to me, so now you deal with me. I know I'm being a selfish ass, but its her fault. She's the one who spoiled me. If she did it for the first 14 years of my life, she can do it for the rest. Life is like work. You don't do things that aren't part of your job profile, and if you, then they become part of your profile.

Damnit! I sound like the lowest person on the planet! I just hate not getting my way. Its not like I always get my way. If I ask for something and mummy says no, I usually accept it. But if she says no and I keep persisting, I more than often get what I want. That's hardly the case though. I accept it, unless I really want it badly.

Take going to England as an example. I first asked my mum when I was 7. She said no. Then I asked again when I was 9, 10, 11, 12, and now 14. All those times she said that we'd go in the summer. It hasn't happened yet, but I never said anything telling myself that its a good thing since going to a place I know I'll make many memories is worth waiting for. I thought no one would notice, but my aunty did. She yeled at my mum a few days ago saying that she shouldn't be making false promises. Then she turned to me and said, "Don't expect to go next summer, your mum is a liar, she won't be taking you anywhere anytime soon." I ignored her but I knew deep down inside that it was true.

So, from now on, I've decided that all my dreams and wants will be put on a hold. At least until I'm old enough. Sometimes though, I feel like life could end at any second and I've not even travelled anywhere I can remember. We went to Florida, California, Dubai, Mexico, San Antonio, Houston, Toronto, Buffalo, and New York, but I don't remember any of that. Could my mother really expect me to?? Iwas only 5 then. What a waste. But its her fault. What 5 year old remembers stuff like that. I wouldn't even have a liking to those cities. The only thing I remember is the casino and how I got my mother $100. Oh and not to mention Dar, where I lived. Even there, I only remember the shitty stuff--our maid getting killed at our house, going for walks with one of our servants and getting free stuff from every corner, or never being home since people from khane always took me to their homes, or going to this girl's house every morning to wake her up. Other than that I don't remember anything else. I don't remember the sceneries, the wildlife, the poverty...nothing realy worth remembering. Only stupid things. I want to travel to places where I can see and remember things. Visit the Louvre Museum--I even know where the Mona Lisa is held-1st floor, Denon Wing,Salle des Etats-La Joconde(Mona Lisa). See the palaces of the Forbidden City in Beijing, the Great Wall of China, and the Palaces in England. However, I really want to go to Italy-its art and architecture. The buildings are beautiful. But really, whats the point in traveling, making memories when in a few years, when I die, I won't remember anything. I can't take my memories with me in death.

I apologize for going off topic. I was speaking of wanting to go see the Phantom of the Opera, and I ended up talking about wanting to travel the world. LOL. I guess I got my mum's interest in traveling. (I couldn't find a word that would fit!! damnit)

MSG?

Just Breathe!! Everything will be okay! Trust me.....have I ever
let you down?????

This msg has really been bugging me. I mean, this lady had no reason to say this to me. Considering I had a bad day that day, and that nothing was going right, it just seemed ironic that I should recieve that message from an old teacher who didn't know anything about that day or my life. Shit man! It just seemed like a message from God or something. I can't seem to get it out of my head!!

New beginnings

Fook! I hate how the second I was out of school, I stopped talking to all the people I knew. I miss them so much, but for some reason I have this stupid idea in my head that if I talk to them, they won't like me anymore becuase of her. She was the reason people talked to me. I never felt the need to make any friends, I was content with having her. I never imagined her not being there, so the last few months of grade 9, it was lonely, and different. With the circumstances, I had changed and I didn't know how to make things better. I depended on herso much. All I could do was act stupid, because it would make people laugh and that was all I knew how to do.

I suppose that the second school was out, I didn't want to hold onto those people. The people who loved her way more than they liked me. The people who thought I couldn't be a friend--only a person they saw every day.
Fuck!

Anyway, this girl, I've known her since grade 4, and I heard that she just moved. It makes me sad that she didn't even feel the need to tell me, but I suppose that's my fault.

All I can say is thank God I'm going to a different school than most of the people from grade 9.

Theresita and Ethan

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I looked right in your eye and I saw
the truth facing right at me...And the truth is that you are a wonderful
person and...I couldn't help but think of what life would be like if we stayed
together....We were so close weren't we Theresa. So close. I try, I try so hard
to deny it...to deny how much I love you...but I'm sorry..I can't..."

And then sexy Ethan kisses Theresita! Fuck! I'm going to die when school starts and I won't be able to watch Passions. My plan: When I have my spare...go home so I can watch passions at least every second day. LOL.

lovely poems!

E.E. Cummings–I carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


One Art--Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

my "wonderful" day

Breathe in, breathe out. Sometimes, that's all you want to do. But when you don't have time to breathe, when you feel that if you do, everything will come out, thats when you can't do anything and al you have left to do is wait.

Today was the most fucked up day ever.
Let's start out with last night...
I was on the comp at night like at 10. My mum- who sleeps on the couch so she can talk to her fuckin boyfriend all night long- started bitching at me. Saying that she needs to rest and shit, when in reality she wanted to talk to her boyfriend. I told her that if she has a problem then she can go upstairs, and that only an idiot sleeps on the couch when there's a bed. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say to my fuckin love-struck mother. She flipped out and stood right infront of me and was about to slap me...she didn't after she saw the look on my face. Sometimes me anger can really take over my common senses. Its scary. Anyway, I was realy pissed and I didn't want to stay near her even a second longer. I stomped to the kitchen, opened then slammed all the cupboards, and then stomped back down to my room. I was smart enough to lock my room incase mother dearest decided to kill me in the middle of the night.
So, that was my night. Then, in the morning, my friend called at 10:00am and for those of you who don't know...I hate waking up before 12. I couldn't fall back asleep so I got all my school supplies ready, then went upstairs for breakfast. Fuck! I wanted to have pizza from last night but there was none. No pizza, no cereal, no muffin. Fuckin great. So, mum comes and after a few stops to Walmart and Staples, we went to school for registration. My fuckin picture came out looking hideous, they screwed up my timetable, gave me a spare, substituted cosmo with some other option, and to top it all off, we got our lockers downstairs near the fucked up people. Oh no wait...theres something worse: while coming out of the car when going to Londonderry Mall, I stepped in a puddle of slimy, white-ish water. My right foot was wet, slimy, and my shoe kept coming off. I couldn't even find a fucking kleenex!
Ugh!
Then mummy and I got into 3 fights in an hour. Ugh! I just want to shower, and go to sleep.
I'm sure something screwed up will happen though.

btw...
A teacher from grade 9 msged me this on nex and I read it after work: Just Breathe!! Everything will be okay! Trust me.....have I ever let you down?????
It wouldn't affect me in any way except to think that that personwas crazy. Yet, when I read it, I just broke down. I guess it was one of those God-is-always-there moments. He never lets you down eh.

Anyway, I'm going to go shower, clean my room and then go to sleep.
Nitez

Parents..

Don't you hate it when parents or adults boss you around and expect you to do whatever it is they want? I mean, besides the age, what other difference is there between adults and the younger generation? Both are human beings who are in this world for they first time. They are learning how to live life to its fullest and both make mistakes. Just because one has lived longer does not give him/her the right to know everything and demand control. I agree that to a certain extent, parents and/or gaurdians should have control over thier kids, but they cannot relive life through them. Many parents tend to abuse the privalage they have of having children. They order the kids around, tell them what to do, think, and feel, and I feel that that needs to stop. If adults treated kids as they would any other person-with a few minor exeptions of course-relationships between the two would dramatically change. Parents didn't like being treated like slaves when they were young, and we don't either.
So, if there are any parents reading, please treat your kids like humans instead of slaves. If you need someone to do your shit for you, get a maid.
(btw...My blog is public now)

Personality color

Your true colour is green!

You're green, the colour of growth and vigour. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth colour in the spectrum -- reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your colour!
http://uk.tickle.com/test/truecolor/p1.html

aawww..future HP LOL

Awwww...how cute is that?!?!

foook..

I hate myself so much right now. I haven't hated myself for almost a year. But it seems like I've had a bit too much. A few words, and I'm done for. Everything's coming back. All the shit I tried to hide, to ignore and put away...its all hitting me now and I can't even do anything about it. I know I have to be careful, I've known that for more than two years now, but I've had enough. Its like the torture will never stop...no matter how hard I try to ignore it. I honestly don't know whats hurting more-what he said, or seeing her and missing people. All I want is to be with strawberry and talk to her. I miss her so much. I think she's been gone since December. It was one of the Khushiali's last year. meh.


"no one has ever walked across a room for a personality" I suppose that means that no one is going to walk across the room for me.

Yes, as you could probably tell, my self-confidence is very low right now.
I've been called ugly, emo, fucking ass, a bull (wtf?) and many other things in the last 5min. Well, at least I never got any suicide scemes. Honestly, are some people really that inconsiderate and rude? No wonder so many people have or have tried to kill themselves. Wish I had enough sense to go through with it. Im such a fucktard! They were right.

...

It’s been fifty years,fifty long years--since I've done this.Looking back on what I said all those years ago; all the hopes and dreams I had....I've come oto the conclusion that...if having things turn out the way you wanted them to...is a measure of a successful life...Then, some would say I'm a failure.The important thing is; not to be bitter over life's disappointments.Learn to let go of the past.And recognize that every day,...won't be sunny.But when you find yourself--lost in the darkness of despair...Remember, its only in the black of night...that you can see the stars.And those stars--will lead you back home.So, dont be afriad to make mistakes.To stumble and fall. Coz, most of the time,--the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.Maybe you'll get everything you wish for...Maybe, you'll get more than you ever could've imagined.Who knows where--life will take you. The road is long, and in the end,-- the journey is the destination.-Whitey Durham

No more Nelie...

FOOK!!!
I'm sooo bored. But happy. Sarah's backkk!! ahah. I like how big of a deal I'm making this, even though its not. Gosh1 I miss Nellie already! Especially Katie and Knectal and Erika and Sarah and-before I start off naming all 16 ppl I'll just say: EVERYONE!!
ACK!!
No more Katie and Erika hiding under Knectal's desk and saying "jiiilll jiill" or Katie changing Knectal's desktop picture. Or Alanna saying "guys bring out the pot" everyone time Knectal left the room. Or me telling everyone to hide so we wouldn't have to go to science and then Roswell coming and yelling at us. Or science classes where someone would start a convo that hadnothing to do with science just because Rossy was so easy to distract. And no more lunches on the couch. Or having picnics at the doctors' office. Going to Mac's or getting cookie dough at Giant Tiger will be no more. No more having therapy sessions in Kurzitza's class and crying for hours!
Foook!! I miss it alll sooooooooooo muchh. *sigh*

dogs...

GOD! I know this may seem really stupid to some, but it's freakingly scary for me. I honestly need to get over my fear of dogs. For those of you who may not know this, I am deathly afriad of dogs. Ugh!
Let me give an example of how scared I am:
The night before I have to take the bus to school or work or whatever, I start freaking out. I cry, I shake, and I get nightmares of the worse-case-scenerio. Then in the morning I cry some more, try to get out of walking the 2 minutes it takes to get to the stop. I look out the window a million times before just to make sure its safe outside. Then, I say some salwat, ask mowla to help me, and leave the house shaking. I take mini steps careful not to make a sound, afraid that there'll be a dog roaming around somewhere close by. I get to the stop (if its a good day and there are no dogs) and I cry some more. Many times I've gotten an asthma attack for no reason.
FUCK! It pisses me off bout how afraid I am. I've tried everything and anything to help myself but it all seems useless.
And now, I have 2 min till I have to endure all that. I'm all shaking and nervous.

Why Women are attracted to jerks

Just an article I thought I'd share.

You and I must understand that women DON'T go deliberately looking for a jerk. Women are not "bad" people at all. Quite the opposite. But WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY CONTROLLED BY THIS ANCIENT MATING INSTINCT. Therefore, they have NO OTHER CHOICE but to go after ANY strong, dominant, untamable male. Or any male who can make her FEEL all those intense, uncontrollable feelings she lives for. The key to understanding women's strange behavior is "they have NO OTHER CHOICE" but to fall for these type of males. And the jerk HAPPENS to be THAT TYPE of male. Or at least, the jerk has learned HOW TO PLAY that role. The nice guy IS NOT that type of male. The nice guy cannot even play that role. If a nice guy became strong and dominant and HARD TO GET, she will go BLINDLY after that nice guy. The proof that I am right is that EVERY TIME a nice guy starts ACTING like a jerk, HE IS SUDDENLY WANTED BY ALL THOSE WOMEN WHO USED TO IGNORE HIM BEFORE. Women don't really want jerks. They probably want a nice guy. But ... "what women -WANT" and "what women NEED" are two different things. And their Subconscious ''genetic" programming, that NEED to feel and feel and feel, will make women go uncontrollably after what they NEED, not what they want. And that is true of EVERY person, in any area of life. They will attract into their lives and/or will go toward what they subconsciously NEED, not what they think they want. What a woman genetically NEEDS is the type of man who will trigger in her all those intense feelings and emotions. Why?. Because a female NEEDS to experience those uncontrollable feelings/emotions to surrender completely to him. Once she FEELS that way about him she will do anything and everything for/with him. Women are SUCKERS for those very intense emotions and feelings that they were "genetically" programmed to experience for a certain type of male, the dominant, strong one. They NEED to FEEL those feelings to surrender to him. It has a lot to do with Estrogen, the "feeling" hormone as opposed to testosterone, the "performance/achievement" hormone. While most men are born to be "doers" most females are "be-ers" or "feelers". Women will love and go after ANY man who is able to "ignite" those feelings in them. Unfortunately, a "nice", sensitive, wimpy type of guy does not generate those feelings in women. A strong, dominant, hard-to-get! man DOES. And the jerk fits in this category. And the jerk knows how to "ignite" those intense feelings and emotions women are addicted to. A jerk and a hard-to-get man make her feel ... feel...feel ... crazy, excited, turned on. A "nice" guy makes her feel ... feel ... feel .... bored to death. Even when women fall for a guy who is very handsome, they will leave him very quickly if they discover he is a nice guy who can be easily controlled by females. It happens all the time. And they will go after some not-so-handsome type, even ugly one, who is strong and dominant. Even married women will do the craziest things and go after THE guy who can "ignite" those feelings in them. What she loves are the feelings she FEELS. Not the guy! But in her mind, the guy and the feelings become inseparable. She loves the feelings. Therefore, she falls in love with the guy who can make her feel that way. Now, it will be totally futile to try to explain to any woman that she doesn't really love guy A. But that she really loves THE WAY guy A makes her feel. She will tell you that you are crazy. But this is the truth. In a nutshell: Person A loves person B because of the way person B makes person A feel. More precisely, Person B satisfies the deepest VALUES that Person A needs satisfied to believe/know that she is in love with Person B. Women were "genetically" programmed to be SUCKERS for intense feelings and emotions in order to surrender and mate. The jerks and the hard-to-get guys DO "trigger" those intense, uncontrollable emotions she "genetically" loves. A nice guy does NOT. ANY man who learns HOW to make her FEEL the way she was "genetically" programmed to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL, will have her doing anything and everything he wants. Remember that men are "doers". Women love feelings. They live to FEEL, FEEL AND FEEL. If YOU can make her FEEL the way she wants to feel, she will LINK all those pleasurable, intense feelings with/to you. YOU will be satisfying her deepest, most treasured VALUES. Then, she will become ADDICTED to you. And you will make her fall in love with you.

....

UGH!! Today was a crappy day. It sort of reminded me of January 1, 2005. Fucked up day! I would go into detail but some people who read this blog would be mentioned in my explanation.
Anyway, I have come up with some new resolutions:
1) Don't apologize for every little thing. If people get offended by what I say, its their problem, not mine.
2) Stop caring about people who obviously don't give a fuck about me.
3) Stop thinking about people who were in my past and not in my present.
4) Stop thinking about "that year."
5) Eat only 3 meals a day. Got to stop eating like a pig!
6) Stop asking people about their probs!
7) Have to stop making reolutions I know I won't be able to keep.

Right. So. I think I not only need to go khane on weekdays-when none of my friends are there-but I need to sit inside, where I sat before and actually pray. Or well, do what I did before. *sigh* Ever since I've gotten them back in my life, I've lost track of everything.
Just have to make sure it doesn't happen again. Need to be more thankful to Him.

Prongs jo ghand!!

UGH!! This still pisses me off! Stupid Pronger couldn't even fuckin control himself!!

my shows!!!!

I miss my shows!!! Like 5 more weeks till they start.
One Tree Hill: Nathan is in the lake...dying. And someone's pregno
Gilmore Girls: fuckkk....i dont even rmr!
The O.C.: Marissa died... :
fudge!!!

Girls are like apple trees??

Oh dear lord! Who actually believes that!?! Its..B-U-L-L!

stupid birthdays...

Soooooo...
Mummy sort of wants to go to the Phantom of the Opera, but I wanna go more than she does. I decided to take her for her birthday, but its too damn expensive for me...who the fuck would pay $94 just to go watch a damn play? haha...I should go with a friend and tell mummy all about it in a card. Cuz its either the play, a card, or nothing. I'm not going to spend any money on mother dearest. I used to, but she always threw the stuff out. So...meh!

:D

AAAHHHHH
I lovee my bloggg
Special thanks to Alyas!!!!
:D

sorry for some of my posts

I know I might be insulting some people with my posts, but they are my opinions. What I say or believe shouldn't affect others, especially since there is something called Freedom of Speech. Bitching at me or saying that I should stop voicing my opinions, is a very Bush-like thing to do. Isn't that what he did when some secretary said something bout him at a meeting? Was he not in Canada at that time? And did that lady not have a right to say what she wants. But then again, he's the greatest person and no one should be badmouthing him...right?
(being sarcastic btw)

YAYAYYAY! I'm so happy today! Finally got my comp back after three days. Life without my comp was BORING! Anyway, a whole bunch has happened since. Firstly, the Terror Plot in London. Ain't it odd that Bush knew about it yet didn't say anything until 3 hours before the attack was to occur? A plan of our dear President's? Perhaps...or maybe not. I believe we need to start acting like human-beings before we start acting out our beliefs and values. Our number one priority firstly should be the well-being of ourselves and the rest of the world. Here's an article that was posted on nexopia...
Such was the conclusion reached in the U.S. Russian generals and political scientists disagree only about its exact starting date. Our world is on the brink of another world war. It will originate August 22nd in the Middle East. The prediction was presented not by Vagna or Nostradamus but by an American political scientist Bernard Lewis in the acclaimed publication of Wall Street Journal. He is a man with close ties to the Bush administration as well as to the non-conservatives pushing for the radical solution of the “Iranian Threat.” Lewis believes it will be precisely Teheran who will unleash the ultimate conflict by attacking Israel. Why August 22nd? Perhaps simply because Washington has set a deadline for the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and has demanded a complete wrap up of the nuclear program by that day. It is obvious that Teheran has no intention to comply. Curiously, this year the night of August 22nd happens to be night Muslims will celebrate the journey of their prophet Mohammed to Jerusalem and his ascension into heaven. According to Lewis the followers of Mohammed have a perfect opportunity to enrich their celebration by throwing an attack on Israel. An immediate retaliation will follow. “Such a scenario does not seem too unrealistic to me,” comments Sergey Markov, a Russian political scientist, “These days anything is possible in the Middle East. People living there are crazy and they constantly keep playing with fire. Their situation has gone out of control and is ready to explode any minute. In fact, the new world war is already going in that place.” The First ActAs the Israeli invasion of Lebanon continues it is becoming clearer that Tel-Aviv actually aims at much more than the elimination of Hezbollah. Israel could have long since used its omnipresent scouts to put an end to the resistance’s activity. Neither does the complete destruction of all Hezbollah’s rocket-launching sites present a problem for the Israeli army with its tremendous equipment and might. So why the endless bombing of Lebanese cities and villages? And why the overwhelming U.S. support? All this is happening precisely during the time when Americans seem unable to force Iran to comply with their demands. Lebanese occupation under the excuse of defending against Hezbollah is itself an excuse for solving the Iranian problem.The Second ActIsrael has already achieved the minimum solution by getting rid of “Hezbollah” across the border. What more do they need? UN has already offered to fill the occupied area with troops and peace-keepers but Tel-Aviv has still not given its consent. The U.S. is not in hurry to give the green light either. In all actuality it looks like the two countries are intentionally waiting until Iran gets involved in the conflict. The expecting parties might anticipate the attack in the face of fired Iranian rockets, which Tel-Aviv will intercept as they had often done previously with the rockets from Iraq. This time, however, Washington and Tel-Aviv will have acquired an official right to retaliate against Iran. The Third ActIsrael will attack Iranian nuclear sites. The U.S. will provide its support through the Navy in the Persian Gulf and perhaps through the Air Force. Iran will not delay with its own full-scale attack against the Israeli sites and the U.S. ships. At this point no one can guarantee that the rest of the Arab World is going to remain watching as an innocent and uninvolved bystander.The Fourth ActVery soon such participants as Turkey will inevitably get dragged into the funnel of war. In Iraq and Afghanistan anti-government militant groups will become very active. Finally the conflict will focus on the fighting for the control over the territories with major oil resources. That is exactly with the U.S. is after. The eventual possession of the oil treasury by one of the conflicting sides will provoke harsh resistance from both Asia and Europe. Russia is also very likely to get provoked into becoming an active participant. In the end this might become the Ultimate Fifth Act, in which no one wishes to believe…Political Scientist’s OpinionAlexander Prohanov, the main editor of “Zavtra” Newspaper:“Apocalypse Tomorrow”-The pulling of the trigger leading to the tragic chain of events has been done. Syria and Iran will be pulled into the war right after Lebanon. Israeli and American attacks on Iran will lead to the interruption of oil exports into Europe and China. Their economies will suffer. In the conclusion there will be chaos all across Asia. The detonation device for the new apocalypse has been set off by Americans, obviously. They believe that they have the power and the authority to regulate the world’s chaos. But the U.S. cannot even gain control over its own minor chaos in Latin America. Let us only hope that Russia will remain neutral throughout this universal nightmare.Military’s Opinion Alexander Vladimirov, major general and vice-president of the Board of Military Experts of Russia:“Collision of Civilizations” - This war is utterly futile for either one of the sides. And as the one lacking in logic it is all the more dangerous. The most dangerous aspect lies in the fact that Israel (and perhaps even Iran by now) possess nuclear weapons and are able to put them to use. This means the beginning of the global war because other countries will not be able to remain uninvolved in the
collision of civilizations of this magnitude.
Reading this really ticked me off. If people know of this, then why the hell are they just sitting around and waiting for it to happen?? Damn politics! What pisses me off the most is the fact that this is ocuring between Muslims. Albeit the Middle East crisis right now is between Jews and Muslims, and it's something which has been going on for many years, I believe they need to get over it, team up, and solve the America situation. But they won't. Instead, they'll fight like the assholes that they are!

Anyway, I shall add more later.

bvhgjkjbj

Her birthday's coming up-actually both their birthdays are coming up. One this month, the other the next. Wow! It's so hard for me to not talk to either of them. I would be planning for her birthday-a month early. I'd be ordering the flowers now. Something I swore I'd do every year. But I can't...not this year. Because I don't know where she lives, or anyone in that city to order the flowers. Fuck! I hate myself for this. And as for the other birthday...*sigh*...nothing to say for that. I hate thinking of all that I'm missing in their lifes. ugh!
Make matters blah-er?? ackk...I can't write it in here!! fuck! Frickin ass reads it!
Anywaaayyy....
Last night I was cleaning my room and I came across the "letter." I know I shouldn't be saying this about a deceased person, but I really hate her! I hate her soo soo muchh! I hate what she did to "her." She tries to act like she's past the grieving stage, but she's not. It'll always affect her and I hate that more than anything! I hate what she's going through. If its hurting me, and I never even knew her, imagine what its doing to "her."

I'm so emotional today...again. I came home and no one was there so I turned on the T.V and decided to watch CNN since there was no one home to yell at me. They were showing scenes from Lebanon and Isreal. I couldn't stop crying. Not only for Lebanese people, but for Isrealis as well. All the blood, the deaths, the destruction of two beautiful cities...I can't even begin to imagine what those people must be going through. And here we are, watching the news and thinking it could never happen here. Some don't even know about the war, or haven't heard of it. I kept seeing Edmonton getting bombed. Seeing Edmontonians die, and my city being destroyed and it broke my heart even more. I think I'm finally starting to understand what having a war means. A few years ago, when 9/11 occured and a war broke out, I ignored it. Thought that it wasn't important because I didn't know anyone in the middle of the war and that it didn't concern me. Now I realize how wrong I was. God! I really wish I could do something. I hate sitting at home and watching the news, crying.
:
*sigh*
I hate what our world has come to. I thought we were done with all the wars. I suppose not. UGH!
I feel sorry for both Isreal and Lebanon. Both have innocent people dying, homes destroyed and cities being ruined. I wish that they could see what they are really doing-killing the innocent. For once, we need to stop differentiating people by their race and religion. In the end, no matter what religion you follow, you believe in God. And there is only one God...many prophets though. I was taught that religion could solve any problem, but it seems to me that it causes more. Jews and Muslims, the only difference is their perception of each other. Both can love, want peace, and have families they care about. But the other side can't see that-I wish they did, perhaps it would save many lives.
The Italian PM said that the war in the Middle East cannot be resolved without communicating. If he can understand that, why can't others?

Its still so hard to believe that she's isn't in my life anymore. Every reference to a best friend and I start bawling my eyes out. I could never imagine a life without her. I guess I took her for granted-believed that our friendship was too strong for anything to break it. I was wrong. I used to think of her as someone who would never leave me, who would always be my best friend.
We barely ever refered to each other as best friends. It was either a mutual understanding, or we were too afraid to acknowledge it. GOD! Its been eight months and I'm still thinking of her...missing her. I feel like an idiot! Why can I never get over people? Why do I always make the same mistake of trusting people, of loving people, and of making people my everything. Its like I'm cursed.
First her, then A, then 'preet, and my best friend. Four people that meant everything to me. But the one who meant the most, the one I thought would always be by my side...I screwed things up. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember what happened. But what makes me feel really guilty is forgetting what it felt like to talk to her, forgetting what we talked about, and just...forgetting her. But then, sometimes it just comes back to me and all I want during those times is to call her, or talk to her on msn/nex, and laugh it off. Or better yet...tell her how much I love her and what she means to me. I can't though, because i'm scared. I'm scared because whenever I try talking to you, I remember your last words to me--"I don't need you in my life anymore." Those words were the worst I ever heard, and I can hear them echoing in my mind even when I'm not thinking about you.
I'm sorry, I really am. I wish I could turn baack time because I know that what w had we could never have again. So, turning back time would be the only way to make things right with us.

*sigh*
I wish she could read this.

I am B-O-R-E-D!!! Ugh!! Honestly...I have NOTHING to do! Stupid stupid stupid August 1!! I've never liked that day. It means winter is coming, school is going to start soon, and fugly things! hbgyvghvgfcghvhbj
I'm really craving some chocolate and coffee...but my granny is at home and if I have either she'll get mad. Did I mention I'm not allowed coffee for a week?!!??! AAAHHHHH!!! I swear, my family is trying to kill me! A week without coffee?? Especialy when I got my rag!?!?!PREPOSTEROUS!!
I think I'll sneak some later. For now, I'll just lock myself in my room and sleeeeeeeppp. :D

Btw...I'm LOVING Passions! The whole thing with Jared and Theresa...or should I say TESS!! lmao. Poor Theresita, Jared pushes her buttoms waayy too much. It really reminds me of the Ethan and Theresa days. And the whole Louis and Fancy. OH DEAR LORD!! It is sooo obvious Loius fancies Fancy! Their kiss was awesome! Its about time Louis goes for someone who ISN'T Sheridan. Although, Fancy is Sheridan's neice. mhmmm...
On Tuesdays epi...everyones having sex. Kay and Mig, Fox and Siren, and Chad and Whitney. It was hilarious!! The "siren" song ended and Fox came out of his trance. He thinks of Kay, looks at Siren, says "holy shit! what am I doing in bed with you?" He looks under the sheets..."OMG! I"M NAKED!" Siren smiles and lifts her side of the sheets and Fox yells, "AHH! YOU ARE TOO!" lmfaoooo!! The same scene happens with Kay and Miguel! She got her memory back...she goes looking for Fox and finds him fucking Siren. hahahahaha! Dear Lord! I love this show! I can't believe I wont be able to watch it in high school. Stupid school lets out at 3:30...so i'll get home at 4. : DAMNIT! 7 years of watching Passions, and I have to stop because it doesnt fit in wth my schedule. :(

neways, imma go get some chocolate from under the couch...my granny finally left. LOL.