what happened then compared to now is dreams.

the heartache and pain, sometimes it goes to your brain, sometimes
it makes you insane, sometimes our joy is our pain, cause
it tears you apart, these affairs of the heart. i think im strong but im not.
and when i look in your eyes you know it kills me inside. the situation
i left behind but your hearts what i kept.

What a lovely day. The sun is shinning. The ice is melting. The dogs are out.

I've been bussing later and later every day. *sigh* I want this to end so bad. I hate the summer for this reason. Pretty soon I'll be hibernating in my house.

I'm planning on going to khane with Homer soon. I have to finish my take-home math quiz, and sleep early. I really want to make it to morning khane.

Apparently H had deleted me off of her friend's list on nex. Today I recieved a message saying that she added me back. I found that a bit odd. God I miss her.

Update on the guy: Seen him at lunch at the mall. He went to sit with the girl. A few minutes after he sat down, all the girls at the table turned around to look at me (since I was practically glaring...ooppss). Throughout lunch, he kept craning his neck to look at me. At one point, he gave the girl a hug, then gave me a look of apology. I hate the mixed signals I keep getting from him. When school was over and I was walking down the ramp, we bumped into each other and he gave me a confused look. The one that said "I don't know what to do." I opened my mouth, shut it, then ran down. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time.

grrrr

HAHAHA I find it so funny

And if I can't have you, then I don't want nobody

Whew. Day is almost over.

I just gave my blog address to a friend. I've been thinking about it for a while. That's two people in a week.

It's a bit nerve wrecking. It feels like I'm opening up to people a bit too much. I'm not that type of person. Everyone knows that.

Maybe it's a good thing. We'll see.

I keot trying to bump into him today. I wanted to see him so bad. I wanted him to see me. I needed to see his expression after last night's convo. I hate how he told me he misses me as well. Maybe knowing that he hated me or something would've been easier. We both miss each other, yet he's not willing to give it another chance. Perhaps I'm being too selfish. I just...I want my best friend back.

I saw H again today. I couldn't handle it again. I burst into tears. I miss her. So much. And I hate that I do. She's not worth it. I know that. *sigh*

I was reading a friend's blog on nex and it was so sad. She and her boyfriend recently broke up and she's so sad about it. Yet she acts like everythings fine. Is that what we're programed to do? Fake it and smile it off?

Um. Ok. A friend, K, and I decided to fake fight to see a certain person's reaction tomorrow. Well things got really heated in our "fake fight," and now I'm not sure if it was real or not. It seemed real. It hurt like it was.

God. I'm such a complicated person. I can't believe I do this to myself. *sigh*

I just want to sleep.

I have to review math. Study for biology. And do my bio homework. Fuck.

"Keep moving Forward" -Meet The Robinsons

A pretty useless day. I ended up crying third block. I saw H in the morning, after two weeks. I'd forgotten she went to the same school. It was pretty hard seeing her. I practically ran the second I saw her. Throughout the day I couldn't help but remember everything we had been through.

Third block, we started Macbeth. The same book that started my friendship with H back in grade 10. Every line in that book had a memory of us. I started bawling. After weeks it finally hit me. I don't have her in my life anymore.

I miss her like crazy. I don't think I can be as open with anyone again. The stupid things we had done. The way she would come visit me in every class. The notes. The jokes. Skipping. Sucking up to teachers. Running off to City Center or West Ed during class time. Missing the big events in school (lock down, ect). Not to mention how I got called down to the office on my birthday only to find out that I had a birthday present waiting (from her).

*sigh* I feel like I've lost so much in my life. I'm trying my hardest to enjoy what I do have. I'm actually so thankful that I have these people in my life. It's just that sometimes...it doesn't seem enough.

On another note: I ended up going to khane with Homer. I've really missed her. She's been having a crappy time lately, and I could tell that it was still there today. I think we had fun today though. Reading her blog, I can't help but wonder if something will happen. I get such a bad feeling every time I read it, or see her. There are so many What Ifs in my mind right now. I want to question her about it, but I'm scared of the reply I'll get. I know that she's scared too. No one wants to live like that. She looks so exhausted from it all. I just wish there was something I could do.

I saw my Kams today. She looked really pretty and happy. I feel a bit odd near her. I didn't mind adoring her from far. Ever since she's found out, I feel like I have to live up to certain expectations. I suck up. I act a bit too happy. Anything to assure her that I'm fine. But the bigger the act I put up, the shittier I feel about it. I honestly adore this woman. I have since I was 8. She would always smile and ask me how I was. She gave a real smile. Never one of those fake smiles I often get from ladies.

I really hope tomorrow will be a better day.

<3

sex ohh sex ohh
(xoxo)

*sigh*

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.

There are bets going on about me. Whether I'll go back to A. Whether me and H will be friends again. Who I'm going to fuck next. ect. Holy. God. Shit.

I wish I had someone to talk to this about. Someone who knew all the people involved. It's hard to explain it to someone who only knows the people from what I say.

God. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I just...I'm tired of it all. It's bad enough that I get bad looks everywhere I go. What's worse is that I think that's the reason A's been talking to me. God. I'm such a fucktard.

Happy V-Day

Pretty awesome day. Started off with chilling with friends and checking out yummy guys in suits and ties. I recieved a rose from my friend during second block. Lunch was spent enjoying the view ;).

Work sucked though. Everyone kept recieving flowers and balloons. It wasn't exactly that which bothered me. What bothered me was the fact that here I am runing after a guy who could care less about me. For once I want a guy to fall for me for me...and actually get somewhere.

Hmph. I hate the feeling this day gives single people.

Well I got my plans for the weekend. Saturday-mall with Kayla and Stephanie. Sunday-work. Monday-out with mom then work.

Not a bad weekend. =) Pretty excited for it.

And so it begins...

I sort of hate happy couples. It's like, we love that you've found each other, but sometimes it's more polite to be happy in private, so people don't have to watch you being all cutesy and boring....

Adults are just kids with money.

Expectations are such a huge part of our society.

We expect the perfect family, the perfect guy, the perfect life. But all these expectations are for things that shouldn't really matter and are pretty unrealistic. I guess the cycle of expectations will never end.

Anyway, my day was pretty awesome. I took a chance with talking to A again. Pretty smooth convo until right now. Hasn't replied for 8minutes. I hate how slow the seconds go when you're actually counting them.

Today in JK, Homer told me that she emailed the post about kams to kams. My initial reaction would've been to bitch at her, but she had warned me beforehand that I wasn't going to like it. I guess I don't really mind. I just have this thing where I don't like people knowing how I really feel about them.

Surprisingly I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Let's see how it turns out...

xoxo

no im not over you
yes i screwed up
no i dont want it to end this way
no i never stoped trying for you
yes i know you'll never read this
yes i love you
yes i would do anything for you

truth: i go to bed with the tv on because it helps me sleep without you
false: i never meant to hurt you
truth: this isnt all my fault
false: i never stoped trying to keep you
truth: you never ever fought to keep me

If love isn’t a game, then why are there so many players ?

What is it with the theory that females are more romantic than men? Is it just because we women expect a lot more and verbalize it?

Think about it. The majority of chic flicks are made by men. The best slow/romantic songs are written by men.

In my opinion, men are a lot more "romantic" than women.

Just thought I'd share that. =)

Never look back unless youre planning to go that way.

It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see.

So tired. And weak. My period finally came. Hopefully I'll be happier and less bitchy.

Today was an alright day. I feel bad for how distant I've been lately. Every time I get happy or something, I see one of them. Hotsause...Z...Adeel...T...

Just today, I was reading the U.K. Cosmo and in the horoscope section under Sagittarius, it said that we need to forget the past and move on. Unless that doesn't happen, I'll be really unhappy.

I couldn't help but think how true that is. I've been told to do just that this past month. "Move on. There's nothing else I can say to you." Anyone remember that? *sigh*

Mum's going to go drop grandma to JK. I'm hoping to go along for the ride and maybe stop by for some Timmy's. Haven't had that in weeks!

It takes two to tango, and girls like these don't go down without a fight.

What a long night. Weird dreams again. I woke up confused. I knew I was supposed to be upset, but what for I couldn't remember. Then everything came back again.

Hopefully today will be a good day. I'm supposed to have a friend come over to take down my Xmas tree (yes I still haven't gotten around to it).

Kind of not looking forward to my spare. I think I'll stay in school today instead of going to the mall. It feels like I have a long week ahead. Let's hope it goes by fast.

Would it be wrong to fake sick? I haven't done it all year...I just don't feel like facing the world today. *sigh*

The angrier she gets, the more ingenious she is.

Ah. I forgot to mention: Me and Kams had a talk today. After such a long time, all 4 of them asked if I was doing better. Obviously they all know that kams is the only one I'll talk to openly.

Oddly enough, she asked about my temper today. I was a bit surprised given that she always askes me about what I ate, if I ate, and if I'm going through with my appointment with Amy. The food issue has been a whole lot better, so I told her that I don't think I need Amy. She looked a bit concerned but accepted it.

Anyway, we got talking about my anger issues and she said a few good things. I love talking to her. She's so understanding and doesn't judge at all. Infact, she treats me as if I'm her own daughter.

What does corncern me is the fact that she tells the other 3 everything. I guess its procedure, but still...

It's hard not to think about what their thoughts might be. Especially when they found out about the food problem. And the home problem. And all the other shit. I know they care. And it feels nice...to a point.

I just remembered something that kams said today that really made me cringe. "I hope you know that I love you. You are such a sweet, smart girl." I smiled and thought how glad I am that she doesn't know me any better, and that I respect her enough to not show her the dumb me.

I really think the talk was one of the highlights of my day.

looks like your invitation just arrived...with strings attached. Come out come out wherever you are.

After an hour in my own bed, I got tired of crying alone and feeling like a total waste. So I went to my mom's room. 2 minutes after I got in, she got a call. Surprise Surprise. It was the boyfriend. I froze. They talked for a good hour and half. During that time, I tried my hardest not breathe. I could hear a bit of his side as well as my mother's.

At one point, he said, "too bad she's there." My mom replied by saying "Yeah I know. I'll lock my door at night now."

That got me in tears.

Many people say that she deserves love. To be happy. But I'm not used to it. Imagine never having a man in your life. Never being exposed to having to share the one person in your life who has always been there. Sure my mother hasn't been there for me in the emotional sense, but physically she always has been. To have a threat of having that taken away...

Perhaps it's also the fact that I'm never told about it.

One of my friend's doesn't understand why my mother should consult me first. According to her, it's her life and she can do whatever. To an extent that's true, but a parent brought a child into the world. The child is now their responsibility. Whatever decision the parent takes always affects the child.

I guess it's something a person needs to go through to understand. I'm sure if we had an open relationship about it from the beginning, my reaction would be different. I know tons of kids whose parent(s) are dating. But in each of those situations, the parent askes the permission of the kid first. It's how it works. Put yourself in the kid's position before you make judgements. And don't consider it from your own point of view if you have your real parents together. Because that is way different than a divorced family. I doubt it compares.

Anyway, this just ruined my night. I hate how on the rare occassion I do decide to turn to my mother for comfort, I get tossed out like last week's leftovers. Maybe I should've learned from previous encounters that turning to her usually ends up in more tears shed from me. What can I do? I'm just a dumb kid in need of some parental love now and then.

Since I doubt I'll be going to bed anytime soon, I might as well keep blogging.

Staying in tune with today's them of parents, my dad called on Saturday.

Apparently my grandma picked up since my mom was out and I was sleeping. I didn't get any of the details. Infact, no one told me about this until Sunday morning. (And it was my mom who told me, not my grandma..the one who picked up).

All I was told was that he was moving to Vancouver.

I've always seen dads with their kids and wondered how mine would've been with me. Coming home to both mom and dad. Turning to dad if I didn't get my way with mom. While growing up, I had to be content with my mom's decision. I know it wasn't too bad. I try to think of her, but what about me? I'm just the kid here. I grew up reading books about families. And all of them included a mom, dad and kid. Maybe a brother or sister.

I don't remember much about the times when I asked my mom about dad. I'm sure I did. I once heard my mom commenting on that to someone. "I used to hate when she asked me that." I would treasure all mentions of my father. A man who was supposed to be in my life from birth to his death. Instead, all I got was a dysfunctional family.

Maybe having both mom and dad wouldn't have been perfect, but I'm sure it'd be better than this. God wouldn't have made it necessary to have both if only one was sufficient, right?

I often hear kids saying, "I rather my mom and dad got divorced." I pity those people. At least at one point their father tucked them in at night. At least he was there to fill a void. And yes. There is a void. Always. No matter what one may think. If you hate your father, the one that lives with you, you'd still be lost without him. Many depend on both their parents, whether they realize it or not. When something big occurs in your life, one's first thoughts are usually, "I hope mom and dad see this."

What do I say? "I wish dad were here to see it."

I have a friend who lost her dad to cancer. People often feel sorry for her. I usually say, "At least he has a valid reason not to be with you." Better to have had and lost, then to never have had.

I usually put up an act that I don't care. How can I need someone who left me a few weeks after I was born? I've never known him. For all I know, he could've been dead.

He has 2 kids. A boy and girl. Adam and Zeenia. I dispise those two kids. They got something which was supposed to be mine. While I had one parent, they had two. While I argued about not having a real family, they took theirs for advantage.

Is my post really fair when I think about my mother? Of course not. But I'm thinking about myself. I'm thinking about those great books I used to get lost in. I'm thinking about those fantasies I used to make up about my dream life. The fantasies I still live in.

Maybe this is why I never want to get married and have children. What would I do with them? I've never seen how a wife would act. My grandma is divorced. My mom is divored. Who can I look up to? I've seen failure all my life. I don't want to be another one of them. We have enough of that in our world. As for kids. Look at what a handful I am. The pain, the suffering that every individual in this world goes through. I don't think I'd be able to see that in my children.

I know I'm acting spoiled. I should be thankful I even have a mother. It's just...call it a western girl's idiocricy.