All coming back

Last night my mother hit me after eight months. She's been threatening to do it a lot lately. It wasn't the hit that hurt me, it was that just one touch brought back everything I was trying to hide. It all just came back to me. Or maybe it started at the party. Either way, I feel it coming back. I wish I never went. I wish I could hide in my room for the rest of my life. But no, that wouldn't be safe either, at least not in my family. I hate what those years did to me. 2 years which left a scar in me forever. I still remember those days. I was so afraid of everything. No one realized anything till I burst. I hated my family for that. I guess a part of me always will. They yell at me sometimes for not being a good daughter, granddaughter, neice, ect. But can they really blame me? All I get from them is lectures on how I'm the worst person ever, how they wish they had someone else. And when its not that, then its buying me stuff.

I used to pray so much for all the people who hurt me. I prayed for their happiness and I prayed that none of them would have to go through what I did. I know it probably doesn't seem like much...losing someone, but really, from experience, I can say its the worst thing ever. I rather be hurt physically than emotionally. The isolation, the crying, the looks you get from the people. It al cuts deep in your soul and then, there comes a day when Fate decides to help you, and sends someone to help you. But thats not enough. Because the scar is always going to be there. If you're not careful, it'll come back. It'll open and you'll realize that there is no way to hide from it. So, in the end, you walk around with a smile on your face, convincing yourself and othes that you're alright, when in reality, all you want to do is cry underneath your blankets with the doors locked.

I can't ask Mowla for help. Because the only thing I need from Him is help to get into uni. Its so important to me. The only thing I'm sure about. The only thing that keeps me sane.