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I miss her so much right now. I'm always thinking about her-every second. But right now...its more than usual. Maybe its the night, or maybe something else, I don't know.

At the party, I felt so out of place. I knew all the people, but I was still shy. I wanted to have fun...laugh, talk...but I couldn't. I kept thinking about her, or last year. I really need to get over both things, but they've become a part of me. The more I try to forget, the more I remember.

I miss talking to her, hearing her response to things, making her laugh. She was all I had. I don't think I've felt a biger shock in my life than when she left. Everyone thinks I've forgetten her, and they are all happy to know that. Little do they know that everything I do is controlled by her. She's like my conscious. I started talking more, going out, and opening up more because I know that she would have wanted me to. But now, I don't even know her. She's a memory. If she came to me now, we wouldn't even be able to talk. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember some significant moments. My favorite, the one that stands out the most is when she was sitting alone after a bad day, and I sat beside her even though we weren't on good terms, and I gave her kleenex and stayed by her until she was alright. We never talked though, and I liked that the best.

I hate how if I have "them" then I start missing her even more. Is it wrong for me to want both them and her? I treated her like shit. People kept confusing me. They said that she doesn't care. That she only talked to me because of him. And it pissed me off even more when I emailed every day, and I never got a reply. After I lost her, I realized how wrong I was, but by then it was too late.

Today was just a weird day. I've been noticing that we all have changed so much lately. Its like the older we get, the further apart we are. I hate that so much because we've spent forever with each other. I really don't want us to seperate. I love them all soo much. specially the one I've known since I was 5. We get into so many fights, but we can never stay mad at each other for more than a day. I was so worried about her, she looked so blah at cec.

I'm just glad I now know how important these people are in my life before I lose them.