After an hour in my own bed, I got tired of crying alone and feeling like a total waste. So I went to my mom's room. 2 minutes after I got in, she got a call. Surprise Surprise. It was the boyfriend. I froze. They talked for a good hour and half. During that time, I tried my hardest not breathe. I could hear a bit of his side as well as my mother's.
At one point, he said, "too bad she's there." My mom replied by saying "Yeah I know. I'll lock my door at night now."
That got me in tears.
Many people say that she deserves love. To be happy. But I'm not used to it. Imagine never having a man in your life. Never being exposed to having to share the one person in your life who has always been there. Sure my mother hasn't been there for me in the emotional sense, but physically she always has been. To have a threat of having that taken away...
Perhaps it's also the fact that I'm never told about it.
One of my friend's doesn't understand why my mother should consult me first. According to her, it's her life and she can do whatever. To an extent that's true, but a parent brought a child into the world. The child is now their responsibility. Whatever decision the parent takes always affects the child.
I guess it's something a person needs to go through to understand. I'm sure if we had an open relationship about it from the beginning, my reaction would be different. I know tons of kids whose parent(s) are dating. But in each of those situations, the parent askes the permission of the kid first. It's how it works. Put yourself in the kid's position before you make judgements. And don't consider it from your own point of view if you have your real parents together. Because that is way different than a divorced family. I doubt it compares.
Anyway, this just ruined my night. I hate how on the rare occassion I do decide to turn to my mother for comfort, I get tossed out like last week's leftovers. Maybe I should've learned from previous encounters that turning to her usually ends up in more tears shed from me. What can I do? I'm just a dumb kid in need of some parental love now and then.
Since I doubt I'll be going to bed anytime soon, I might as well keep blogging.
Staying in tune with today's them of parents, my dad called on Saturday.
Apparently my grandma picked up since my mom was out and I was sleeping. I didn't get any of the details. Infact, no one told me about this until Sunday morning. (And it was my mom who told me, not my grandma..the one who picked up).
All I was told was that he was moving to Vancouver.
I've always seen dads with their kids and wondered how mine would've been with me. Coming home to both mom and dad. Turning to dad if I didn't get my way with mom. While growing up, I had to be content with my mom's decision. I know it wasn't too bad. I try to think of her, but what about me? I'm just the kid here. I grew up reading books about families. And all of them included a mom, dad and kid. Maybe a brother or sister.
I don't remember much about the times when I asked my mom about dad. I'm sure I did. I once heard my mom commenting on that to someone. "I used to hate when she asked me that." I would treasure all mentions of my father. A man who was supposed to be in my life from birth to his death. Instead, all I got was a dysfunctional family.
Maybe having both mom and dad wouldn't have been perfect, but I'm sure it'd be better than this. God wouldn't have made it necessary to have both if only one was sufficient, right?
I often hear kids saying, "I rather my mom and dad got divorced." I pity those people. At least at one point their father tucked them in at night. At least he was there to fill a void. And yes. There is a void. Always. No matter what one may think. If you hate your father, the one that lives with you, you'd still be lost without him. Many depend on both their parents, whether they realize it or not. When something big occurs in your life, one's first thoughts are usually, "I hope mom and dad see this."
What do I say? "I wish dad were here to see it."
I have a friend who lost her dad to cancer. People often feel sorry for her. I usually say, "At least he has a valid reason not to be with you." Better to have had and lost, then to never have had.
I usually put up an act that I don't care. How can I need someone who left me a few weeks after I was born? I've never known him. For all I know, he could've been dead.
He has 2 kids. A boy and girl. Adam and Zeenia. I dispise those two kids. They got something which was supposed to be mine. While I had one parent, they had two. While I argued about not having a real family, they took theirs for advantage.
Is my post really fair when I think about my mother? Of course not. But I'm thinking about myself. I'm thinking about those great books I used to get lost in. I'm thinking about those fantasies I used to make up about my dream life. The fantasies I still live in.
Maybe this is why I never want to get married and have children. What would I do with them? I've never seen how a wife would act. My grandma is divorced. My mom is divored. Who can I look up to? I've seen failure all my life. I don't want to be another one of them. We have enough of that in our world. As for kids. Look at what a handful I am. The pain, the suffering that every individual in this world goes through. I don't think I'd be able to see that in my children.
I know I'm acting spoiled. I should be thankful I even have a mother. It's just...call it a western girl's idiocricy.
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