fuck love

I remember when I used to crave wanting to go back. I thought everything would be alright. Things would be better.
When things became a bit like they were before, I blocked everything out. I wish I never remembered. I wish I didn't care. I was happy. After remembering and going back to all that, it scared me....

Fuck!
I'm a wreck right now. I'm bitching at everyone. I think I might've even lost her. I don't even feel bad. She's being so annoying and only says stuff that I want to hear. She cares too much. I can't have that. Not anymore. It hurts when people care too much. Cause when they leave, both of us will hurt.


I've been worrying about her too much lately. Its stressing me out. I don't want to tell her. I can't even tell her about my stuff.
I hate how overprotective I am of her. I know she'll hurt me again. Always does.


Mother dearest has officially given up on me. Its been a week. No calls...haven't even seen her. Karim said I can't even live with him. And Shemina doesn't want me either. I guess I'm not wanted here or there. Fuck! She always does this! I'm so tired of it! She'll come back. They'll break up and she'll come. My grandma can't say anything and as for me, well, I don't have a choice in the matter.
She honestly thinks that I don't care about any of it. She thinks I've never wanted a father. I have. I want a daddy too. One that'll tuck me in at night and hug me goodnight. One that'll spoil me like crazy but also yell at me when I'm being an idiot. But its too late for all that. She can't expect me to accept her boyfriend. I'm not ready to let another person in. The people I have in my life right now are enough. I'm even tired of some of them.

Fuck!
She worries me so much.
When we were talking, I worried about her. And when we didn't talk, I still worried. I just want her to be happy, but nothing ever seems to work. She's been so distant from everyone. I wouldn't even mind if she talked to other people, but she's not.
Sometimes I feel that if I talked to her like before, made plans for a sleepover or something, then perhaps the old her would come back.

Goddamnit! I hate how I care more about her happiness then my own.
I woke up this morning really happy, but as soon as I went on nex and read people's blog...I felt blah. A and her both seem like there's something wrong. But neither of them ever tell me what it is. I've given up trying to ask them.
Funny how I was so jealous when they were best friends, but now I'd give anything for them to have that again.

:(

So, a friend and I are having a conversation about guys.
Do they really feel things? It seems like females are the only ones who get hurt and feel as deeply about things. And if males do feel the same, then perhaps they cope better.
I wish I knew how their minds worked.

*sigh*

Boy...

When I look into your eyes

I see sumthin’ that money can’t buy

And I know if you give us a try

I’ll work harder for you boy

then you ever had a chance to find

The boyfriend is coming tonight. Went out and bought a ton of chocolate. I'll need as much as I can get. Ugh! Stupid mother!...Major stress factor in my life. Remind me never to have kids. I'll get even more stressed than I do with mummy.

Blogging sucks. There's nothing to write about.

Hhmm, Christmas tomorrow.

What exactly is the point of Christmas? Most people only celebrate it for the presents. You spend money, get gifts you might not even like, then forget all about it until next year.
Joy!

Ack!

I'm so blah today. I miss my chodu!(Sorry for stealing your word lish)

15 days till school!!!

I can't wait!!!

:D

&& its hard to wait around for something that you know might never happenbut its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want

ugh!

Things were finally going good with me and her. We talked...and things kind of seemed like before. And that scared me. I don't want things to be exactly like before. I hate living with that fear that she'll do it again. Perhaps that's why I say things I don't mean. To let her know that things will never be the same. I know she's changed, but that fear hasn't gone away.

Then there's A who is a bit jealous of her because she means so much to me. I think A is scared that she will steal me away from her. (does that even make sense?!? I hate not being able to use names!)

AAAHHHH

I got so much chocolate!! Mummy and I went shopping twice this week...before school. And we bought tons and tons of chocolate. I got her to give her share to me cause her boyfriend is coming and I'm sure she doesn't want to look fat for him. lmfao.

I really need to write in my blog more often. Screw laziness. ahah.

Winter break...sucks!

:(

Kuthro kidanjo! 2 weeks vaste inke neh nara...ghandsaf better miss me.

:P

So confusing!!

AAAHHH!!
Why in the world are guys so confusing???

Does anyone know how to tell if a guy likes you???
Be specific please!! I'm tired of hearing that they flirt and touch you a lot...because I do that with almost every guy so I'm sure guys do that with random girls too.

you only hurt the ones you love

Everyone has secrets, things they are afraid to tell others. As frightening as some may be to share, sometimes you need to. It might hurt the other person, but its better to tell them yourself than to have them find out on their own or through other people.

There is one person in my life who finds it easier to hide stuff from me than to face my anger and hatred. We both know what my reaction will be, but it's their duty to involve me in issues such as this.

I know we'll never have the sort of relationship that others have, but perhaps one day we will. Until then, I need to know that it's ok for me to sort things out for myself....without you. With you, my reason for living becomes jumbled.

just give me some time, I'll adjust to your life

stupid birthdays...

What's so great about birthdays anyway? Its just a day. Nothing special ever happens. You look the same...feel the same.
UGH!
I hate birthdays. Its the stupidest day ever. Even stupider than Valentine's Day.

Been sitting infront of the computer the whole day with not a single phone call. Only 3 people remembered.
The one person I was hoping to hear from hasn't called or emailed. No point in waiting. As usual...this day is the awkwardest.

I absolutely hate sexist people. My family is the most sexist family ever!!
Apparently I can't watch hockey anymore because its a "guy" sport and girls aren't supposed to watch it-only guys are.
I guess Karim is gay, since he doesn't watch it.
Fackk! I have the fuckiest relatives! I hate them with a passion.
That brings me to my next point:
How do you know if you actuay love your family. They are the people you've been around since you were born, but how does it turn into love? What if its only an attachment to those people? Being around them all day, perhaps its become a habit of some sort. And when one of those people leave, we cry and get depressed because something from our daily lives changes.
I know from personal experience that whenever I say "I love you" to anyone in my family, I don't feel anything. Is it just me? Am I just that selfish that I don't even love my own family?
But then again, what is love? Does anyone really know? Is it just a feeling of deep affection for someone? or something someone made up to make it seem like us humans aren't as bad as we seem?
I hate this. Its bugging me so much.

I wish I could talk to her about it...about anything. I miss her so much.
Perhaps that's what love is. Missing someone so bad that all you want to do is curl up and cry forever. But I don't think that's love either. Because if it were love, then it would be strong enough that the other person wouldn't leave.
Everyone leaves...eventually.
Whether that be a day, or a week, or a year...they do leave.
In my opinion, its easier if a person dies. At least they have a reason to not be there. And it won't hurt as much. Because you could make yourself believe that if they were alive they would be with you.

stressfulll muchh??

I've come to the conclusion that hockey is VERY STRESSFUL!
When I have 8 cups of coffee....that's when you know something is VERY wrong! Damn!
I love the game...but frick!...I hate o/t and s/o.
Oh! Btw, for those of you who don't pay attention to hockey, the Oilers won 4-3 against the Red Wings in a shootout! Awesome game!!

I shall start updating on Oiler games hee as well. Already doing it on my nex blog. LOL.

Anyway, I'm extremely tired.

Love ya all,

MEEEEE!!!

gyhghjg

It's ironic how the things you've left behind still come back to haunt you.

I keep stressing about my marks. They are so fucking low! Goddamnit!
67% in English
70% in Social
76% in Science
92% in Math
It's practically killing me inside. I haven't gotten lower than 75 since grade 2. I know all my stuff, but when it comes to doing my homework or studying, I see the computer, or the TV, and just succumb to one of them. I hate it so much!
So, I got one of my friend's to change my nex password and not tell me until the end of November.
I'm going to try living my life with just msn. If that doesn't work, then I'll get my password changed for msn as well. I really need to get my marks up. Now, I just need to work with my TV schedule. Damnnn!! As if the computer thing wasn't hard enough.

Alright so:
Monday: 2 brown shows=1hour
Tuesday: Gilmore Girls only=1hour
Wednesday: One tree Hill and 1 brown show=1hour 30min
Thursday: The O.C. only=1hour
(If hockey game, then watch only game...download show on weekend)
Total hours per week: 4hours 30min

Hahaha!! I love making up schedules and shit that I know I'll never follow. Meh! At least it makes me feel organized and shit.
LOL

The whole day today I've been humming the Trojon Condomn commercial theme. dayummm! It's so addicting. =[

frickin IB

Piece of advice to you all: Do Not Take IB!
It sucks! The teachers expect you to be brilliant. Asking questions will usually get you the "you-are-stupid" look.
Not to mention that the Math Portfolios suck! They barely teach it to you. The questions are bullshitty and I hate it!
fackkk

kk...gots to go back to the game. Even though we're losing by 2. 2-0.
dayummm we suck

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!!

Edmonton Oilers coach Craig MacTavish was fined $10,000 US Saturday by
the NHL for criticizing referee Mick McGeough for a blown call in the Oilers'
3-2 home loss to the Dallas Stars on Friday night.


"The NHL
acknowledges the fact that referee Mick McGeough made the wrong call on a play
late in the game, which he later admitted to the media following the game,"
director of hockey operations Colin Campbell said in a release.
"While the
NHL regrets the missed call, Craig MacTavish's comments after the game regarding
the call were totally inappropriate and crossed the line."
McGeough waved off
what would have been a game-tying goal by the Oilers' Ales Hemsky with 4.1
seconds left. The referee blew his whistle just before Hemsky put the puck in
the net after deciding Edmonton centre Shawn Horcoff had made a glove pass off
the preceding faceoff. Replays, though, showed no such infraction.
Speaking
to reporters after the game, MacTavish lambasted McGeough for the call and for
delivering it in the referee's familiar animated fashion.
"It was a retarded
call," MacTavish snapped. "There is no other explanation for it. I know he is a
veteran official and at times I have found his antics humorous. But if this is
the product of that, there is a problem.
"It was a ridiculous call. I had no
idea what he had called. Nobody saw the hand pass on the play because quite
clearly there wasn't one. It's beyond reason.
"He should be
suspended."
McGeough's ruling also inflamed the Edmonton crowd, which
littered the ice with debris, some directed at the officiating crew as it headed
for its dressing room.

FACK!!!
"It was a retarded call."
What the hell did he say wrong? It's facking true!!! Shouldn't Magoo get fined? He lost us a game!! We definately would have won...but nooo...that fucking bastard..! I swear he had a thing against the Oilers! He called it right away...without even looking! OPEN YOUR FRICKIN EYES BASTARD!!
Whatever! I'm glad someone had the guts to badmouth the goo. That was the most fucked up game ever! First the refs don't call the first Dallas goal which should have been goalie interference! And they call the Edm goal which was not a glove pass!

"It was a blown call on my part," McGeough said after the game. "It was poor judgment on my part. I thought he had his hand on the puck on the faceoff but it was his stick. My judgment was poor on the play."

Poor judgement my ass!

Fuck!
Apparently I'm very rude, loud and bitchy. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut and to keep my comments to myself. BUT!...If anyone else does the same, it's fucking considered normal!
There are some bastards in the world you enjoy rubbing it in that if you take a J out of my name, it becomes their favorite word.

Holy mother of pearl!
I'm pms-ing like crazy! I've been crying since A supposed "friend" ofmine called me that fuckin name that I fucking hate! It reminds of me of that fucktard and his friend. I feel the same way I did whenthey ruined my birthday last year. I could honest to God kill one of them...or anyone!
I wish I never had a conscious. No wait...Its actually a good thing. Or else I'd be a muderer. I got the worst anger issues (if you couldn't already tell).




Fine! I admit it...
*sigh*
People are right. I am turning into the world's biggest bitch. And its not only because I have my rag. I say rude things to people's faces and behind their backs. I don't seem to care when people say shit to me. I just say shit back because that's what they expect me to do.
I'm losing them again. Alison too this time. Everyone was right before. There's something wrong with me. There are some who are telling me that I'm changing...becoming stronger, ect. But I'm not. I'm turning back into what I was for the past 2 years. As much as I try, I just can't seem to get over it. Something always reminds me of it.

Sometimes all I want to do is give up again. I've forgotten who I am. Or who I was. I'm holding onto events or people, but I can barely seem to remember what made them so special. I know I'm doing the wrong thing by not appreciating what I have. I do appreciate it, but I just can't seem to express it. I get scared because I haven't dont that much.

Fuck!
It sounds like I'm trying to explain why I'm turning into a bitch. I'm not trying to explain it. I'm just...I don't know what the hell I'm doing or what's going on!

I think I'm going crazy!

*her*

I'm extremely happy yet sad at the same time.
I didn't know how much I missed her until I saw her today. It's been a almost a year since I saw her, and more than2 years since we actually talked.

I don't know what to say about it.

She's leaving. Not that I'm surprised-she lives there now. But still, having her back...I've thought about her every single day...prayed that she's happy. Seeing her, at first I was sad and mad. I wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do since the last time we talked I said some nasty things to her. Rude things which I regretted.

I feel like an idiot. I'm supposed to be past all of this. I'm supposed to not feel anything. But I still love her so much. She was everything to me...and still is. The one person who knew everything about me. The one who would forgive me for everything and anything and always kept me going.

I wish we could've talked for longer. But I guess I'll just have to live with what I had today.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

I haven't written in over a week.
Not much to write about. My life is so boring right now. Well, I got asked out by this freaky kid at work. Kept saying how pretty I was and how stupid other guys are that they haven't asked me out yet. Dear lord! Such rubbish!
Anyway, I could go into more detail about how screwed up I'm becoming, but I can't talk about it.
lol.

Luv,
Meee!!!

I'll try to add a picture or something tmr.

Aw!!!!

BeBo134- Online
-Age 15,
Female
Do you Realize?..how long we've been friendsDo you Realize?...we
havent always stayed tightDo You Realize?...just exactly how deep our friendship
actually runsDo You realize?..no matter how pissed off we get,it never endsDo
you realize?...you've always forgave me no matter whatDo you realize?...you're
changine,and Ima love you for itDo you realize?...exactly how much shit we been
throughDo you Realize?...how much you mean to meDo you realize?..you mean so
much that I took the time to write this for youDo you Realize...you drive me
insane,but I fuking love you

I love this girl!! She's my bestest. Always been there...and I know she always will be!!

I wish I could tell her how much she means to me. I can't though...because I haven't been the type to express things like that.

Funnies!!!

Today I laughed like a maniac. Here are some of the funny things that happened (probably not in chronological order):


-My friend Alison likes this guy..Omar. So shes like "I get to see someone today. guess who is it..the first 2 guesses dont count. so I was like "Omar Omar...those don't count..BEN!"

-i was in the changerooms for the fitness centre and i was looking in the mirror and smiling and i made a weird noise LOL...then i hear the same noise like realli loud and it was longer...and i thought my friend kate did that(she was in the bathroom ) so i was like "omg kate what are u doing in there?"


-kay..so it goes all quiet and then i hear some guy make a moaning sound it and sounds like its coming from near us so we run to the showers and hide and kate is like "be quiet...he's horny..he'll rape us!" and it was really loud


-Alright so then...we go looking for alison after we changed and we start running around the whole school cuz no one was there and then i kate touches me and im like "omg kate! not right now...wait till we're in bed" and then some guy shows up and i was like "shit! do u think he heard me..." and kates like "damnit alishah...ppl arent suppoised tro know bout us!" so we look at the guy again & the poor guy heard.


we're walking up the ramp and im like "omg omg look...BLACK GUYS!" and they heard so kate hit me and is likew "ur gunna get us beat up." so i shut my mouth and try not to laugh...the guys walk by and one guy is like "hey look its ur gf" oter guy says "no way man" some other guy says " u wish she were" me n kate nvr heard amd alison was telling us bout it after we went past them and when she said "look its ur gf" i was like "HE WAS TALKING BOUT ME!"

-We are working out and I go on the bikes. Alison goes on the treadmill and Kate goes home. The bike is going too fast for me so I said: "OMG Alison! This is too fast! How do you slow it down?" Two black guys are on the bikes beside me and start laughing. I turn to them and say "Are you laughing at me?!" They nod and I give them a bad look. They tell me to look at them and they start going super fast. I get off the bike and see Alison and Kristen(the trainer) laughing their asses off.

After our workout, Alison stops outside the fitness centre to get a drink and one those car-washy things is driving by abd I have my back turned to it. I push the button on the vending machine and it beeps and I freak out and look at Alison and she says "What are you looking at me for? The janitor is honking the horn at you."

OH DEAR LORD
Please tell me why I'm such an idiot.
So many more funny things happen today. I can't type it out right now because I'm too busy laughing. LOL