New Year's Eve

So, here I am on New Year's Eve. At home. Despite my want to go to the New Years party, I still ended up at home.

The day started out bad. Woke up early because a friend and I had plans to go help set up for tonight. The second I got out of my room, I got bombarded with comments such as, "Why do you want to go with her? Just come with us," "She won't come. You'll be bored there," ect.

Well, they were right, I didn't end up going. Not too bummed about that. However, the rest of the day was spent worrying about my friend. Is she alright? Would we make it tonight? Will this ruin the whole night?

Like you know from my previous posts, I was extremely anxious about tonight. I dreaded it, but at the same time, I was a bit excited. I wanted to get dressed up. I wanted to dance. I wanted to joke around and have fun. Still, a bigger part of me was scared that like every other year, I'd be disappointed today.

Having my friend complain and put doubts in my mind didn't quite help. I know it sounds selfish. She has a right to have a bad day. I guess I was so lost in my own problems and worries that I couldn't see how badly it was affecting both me and her.

As always, I fucked this day up. At 5:30ish, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:45ish from a wonderful dream. In it, I had the best New Year's ever. Keeping that in mind, I silently said a prayer and went to the computer. I said to myself, if I get a reply in 5minutes, that means I'll have a good time if I go. If not, then I'll stay home.

Just my luck, my friend was busy and couldn't answer. I took it as a sign that it was best if I stayed home. Hence, I went off to my bed again. Ended up drenching myself and my pillow.

I cried...because I wanted to go. Because I was a coward who couldn't stand the thought of rejection-in any way. I cried because of my awful luck. My stupidity. My lonliness. My past. My future. You know...when you start with one thing, you end up with a million.

Well. It's now 10pm. 2 more hours. I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. Hopefully I wont wake up tomorrow. I know that a certain friend will love to rub in all the events of tonight. I rather not feel any worse than I already do.

Funny how I already have another fear-the disappointment I'll be feeling when I get the details of tonight.

I've never before had to worry about that. I just have a feeling that she'll be quite upset, as she should be. I not only let myself down, but her as well.

Btw: My meal today: 1 orange.

Kind of hungry. Don't have any energy to cook up something. meh. There's always tomorrow. (Unfortunately)