Only a lonely man is afraid of isolation.

First day back was shitty (as I expected it to be...well OK not really, but I was somewhat prepared for a lousy day). The first part of the morning went alright. Turns out that my social teacher is having complications with her pregnancy and can't come back to teach. Poor lady.

Well, after 2nd, I went to my locker and S was standing there. I asked if she was coming to lunch with me and H. She gave me a weird look and said "Me and H are going." I shrugged my shoulders and went to go look for other people to chill with (thankfully I made friends the last week before break).

After lunch, I figured H would be at our lockers since she always walks me to my class (She has a spare 3rd block). She wasn't there. Instead I saw A at school, standing at the doors near my locker. She smirked at me. I turned around and walked away. In the back of my mind, I knew that A and H would end up together. I was right.

After 3rd block was over, I saw H and A near my locker. I said hi to H and didn't get a response back. Instead, she looked at me, looked back at A and laughed. Hm. Nothing new there. Where A is, my misery follows. I went to fourth thinking how unlucky of a person I must be.

If you think about it, it's true isn't is? Every year since 2004 I have lost someone in January. It's obvious that this month is the least luckiest for me. Thank God someone always comes to the rescue. I guess The Big Guy never leaves anyone alone.

I just...I wish there was one year where I wouldn't lose anyone. I'm tired of it. I know I'm not a good friend, much less a good person. But could I honestly be that bad to be losing so many people? I've often heard that it's my fault. That I really am a horrible person. If so, maybe God can make me a better person. Or at least lead the road to becoming a better a person. I'll work on it, I promise I will. I just need to know what I'm doing wrong.

With this relationship-the one with H, I was extra careful. I expressed my gratitude almost every day. I made sure to let her know how much she meant to me. I apologized for all my stupid behaviors.

*sigh* I guess some things in life aren't meant to be. I didn't need any of them anyway. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll start to believe it.