Perfect

Way to make me feel shittier. And angry.
=)

You can't save a damsel If she loves her distress

It's 11:30 and I'm nowhere close to being tired. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Being on the computer at least gives me the notion that I'm not alone. Going to bed, well let's just say that being alone the whole day gets tiring.

I miss being a dumb teenager. Who am I kidding? I'm still as dumb as ever. lol.

Alright. I'm going to go read a book or something. =)

Yuuummm Chocolateee

I've stooped so low as to drink chocolate syrup...plain.

I have plenty of chocolate in my room...it's just too far away.

Forever

Great. The waterworks started again. Not that they stopped.
I really should do my English project, but I just don't know what to do. I know that if I go to my room, I'll end up bawling. Right now, my blog is the only thing keeping me sane.

I keep wondering about the future. When and if I ever have children. I wonder if I'll ever let them read my blog. I'm sure I will. I think I'd like them knowing about me. I've always wanted to know about my mom. She barely remembers her childhood. Although, sometimes she does say that it was a lot like mine. Makes me sad. She's a lonely, sad woman now. If she went through many of the same things and still didn't end up happy, then what are the chances for me?

In fact I was just talking to a friend when she said, "We got through so much (you n I), we're so young, but its best to go through this now, then later- when we will actually have lives- and we'll have the experience to back up our wisdom."

It reminded me of something I used to live by. "God doesn't give you pain your whole life. If you're sad now, you'll be happy later." I made that up when I was about 10. It's now been 6 years since that and I can't help but feel pessimistic.

Genie and Princess

I don't have the energy to get up and walk to my room. I like it here. I like staying in one position. I guess I think that if I move, something else might go wrong.

I honestly didn't expect this between me and H. Everything that happened with me and her in the last couple of days was the same thing that happened with me and M.

What did I expect though? If my own father could walk out on me, why should I expect anyhing more from someone else.

I was in my room a few minutes ago, and my mom walked in. When she was leaving I whispered "I don't want to leave the house tomorrow." She just stopped and sighed. I feel bad for telling her about all this. I just...I needed someone. I wish we were closer.

I can barely type. My eyes are still watering. I don't remember crying this much since her.

I wish I could run away. Happily Ever After sounds like a wonderful place. If only I were a princess...with a genie.

Why Why Why...

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Close my eyes And never wake up.

It wasn't that bad. Way better than the message I got when I got home.

Ironically, just this afternoon, I was thinking of how M told me to take our pic off my page. I thought of how odd it would be if H told me the same thing. Surprise Surprise! I got home to just that. "Take my picture off your page."

Ok. Done. Anything else for you?

*sigh* I don't want to go to school. 3 days is enough. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm...I'm done. I hate this more than anything.

There honestly is no point in making new friends if this is going to happen every year. My resolution: Don't make friends.

It'll save me the heartache. And knowing how pathetic I truly am.

I feel empty. My chest still hurts. Half the time, I'm staring at things with a blank mind. I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am. I just want a new life. This one hurts. I'm weak. I can't handle this. It's just not fair.

Lately, I've been craving hugs like crazy. I...Sometimes I just want to know that I'm needed by someone. I want to cry with someone. I'm tired of being alone. Even with people, I feel so alone. A constant ache.

Please. Just take me home. I'm ready now.

Dear God

I wish today weren't a big day. I just want to go to bed. I can't deal with this as well.

Dear God,

Make it disappear.

Love, Me.

Beggars can't be Picky

Could I just give up now? What more do I have to lose?

P.S. I really don't think this night is going to be any fun. Far from it from the way it has already started.

Can't wait to blog in a few hours when I'm back from khane. I'm sure I'll really need to vent.

=(

My heart hurts.

Joy to the World

I am broke. I got my check yesterday. Today at lunch, I went shopping because I had nothing to do. I spent $40 on presents and $30 on myself. The rest of the money...went God knows where. LOl.

Overall a pretty good day. I was happy most of the time. Obviously there were a few times when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry.Oh well. I guess everyone has those moments. And if I don't have one of those moments at least once a day, my day isn't complete. lol

I'm kind of excited for tonight. I feel like being around people today.

Nitez

Ok. I miss her. I regret what I said. I knew she had good intentions. I was just...I didn't want things to turn out the way they did. I guess it was inevitable. Well, I've been on the comp just for her and no sign of her signing on. Guess I'll go to bed. Had a late night yesterday. Need to be fresh for tomorrow. Joy.

Just not Ready

I'm exhausted.

Today was an alright day. I've found a correlation between losing people and my fear of dogs. I have been so fidgety the last 2 days. This morning, while waiting for the bus, a boy walked up behind me and I jumped and ran to the lady in front of me. Waking to the mall from school, I heard something that sounded like a dog, and I got panicky and ran to the entrance. This kept happening. And I hate it. Perhaps it had to do with being afraid that if I can't get through a relationship, what are the chances of me overcoming my phobia? I guess one failure leads to another.

Onto another topic: The season premiere of One Tree Hill was on, and so was the last episode of Gossip Girl (at least until the strike is over). Both those shows showed unhappy endings. OTH started 4 years after the last season ended. The main characters all ended up successful, but none were happy. There was always something missing. In GG, a scandal causes break ups, and one of the main character, S tried to run away. That is, until her best friend, B, stopped her. That said a lot. Especially considering that S was a bitch to B.

I guess both shows showed that no matter how great things are, something will usually ruin it. However, things always end up better. Like a famous quotation says, "if it's not a happy ending, it's not over."

tres épouvantable [tres horrible]

Kaayy really nervous for tomorrow. All this proves that I'm a horrible person.
Thank you for pointing it out.
=)

P.S. We won 4-0 against the Islanders. =)

P.P.S. She says she's "freed." Would that mean that she's been waiting for this? I never forced her to stay friends with me. I can't be that bad that people say they're freed once we stop talking...or can I be? God. I just...I was hoping this year could be different.

Could we start over? Pretend we live in a perfect world with perfect people. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of acting as if none of this affects me. I'm tired. Just. Plain. Tired.

ouch?

This is when you know that you're loved:
I am gonna be flat out honest i don't even wanna see you in school tomorrow

Anyone have a hole I can crawl into? You can cover it up just as soon as I make sure there's no way to get out.

where's home?

There. As usual. I apologized.
Pathetic how I'm always the one to apologize, and I usually get shit said back to me in return. It makes me feel low. Who am I kidding? I'm the lowest of the low.

I hate going khane, I dread school as if it were the plague, and just thinking about going home gives me shivers.

I just want to find a place where I belong. Is that too much to ask for?

just breathe

A bit too emotional right now.

Doesn't help at all that the movie my grandma is watching is playing an extremely sad song. The movie is about an autistic boy. No one understands him and are always yelling at him. Eventually, his father sends him to boarding school. This is when the song starts. They boy sings about his mother. How much he misses her. How he wishes she knew how he understands what people say about him and he sucks it up and acts like nothing bothers him. How he cries wishing she would hug him and never let him go, but he never shows anyone those tears. the song is basically about the relationship between him and his mother.

Quite sad. I'm not looking forward to watching the rest of the movie.

me me meeee

I don't like people getting involved in my shit. I expect them to learn from the first time they did that. I wouldn't want a third party involved. No one likes it. My shit. I deal with it.

Only a lonely man is afraid of isolation.

First day back was shitty (as I expected it to be...well OK not really, but I was somewhat prepared for a lousy day). The first part of the morning went alright. Turns out that my social teacher is having complications with her pregnancy and can't come back to teach. Poor lady.

Well, after 2nd, I went to my locker and S was standing there. I asked if she was coming to lunch with me and H. She gave me a weird look and said "Me and H are going." I shrugged my shoulders and went to go look for other people to chill with (thankfully I made friends the last week before break).

After lunch, I figured H would be at our lockers since she always walks me to my class (She has a spare 3rd block). She wasn't there. Instead I saw A at school, standing at the doors near my locker. She smirked at me. I turned around and walked away. In the back of my mind, I knew that A and H would end up together. I was right.

After 3rd block was over, I saw H and A near my locker. I said hi to H and didn't get a response back. Instead, she looked at me, looked back at A and laughed. Hm. Nothing new there. Where A is, my misery follows. I went to fourth thinking how unlucky of a person I must be.

If you think about it, it's true isn't is? Every year since 2004 I have lost someone in January. It's obvious that this month is the least luckiest for me. Thank God someone always comes to the rescue. I guess The Big Guy never leaves anyone alone.

I just...I wish there was one year where I wouldn't lose anyone. I'm tired of it. I know I'm not a good friend, much less a good person. But could I honestly be that bad to be losing so many people? I've often heard that it's my fault. That I really am a horrible person. If so, maybe God can make me a better person. Or at least lead the road to becoming a better a person. I'll work on it, I promise I will. I just need to know what I'm doing wrong.

With this relationship-the one with H, I was extra careful. I expressed my gratitude almost every day. I made sure to let her know how much she meant to me. I apologized for all my stupid behaviors.

*sigh* I guess some things in life aren't meant to be. I didn't need any of them anyway. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll start to believe it.

blahhh blahh blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just came home from a friend's house (damn really need to come up with a name for her). Anyway, she had a family get-together last night and I ended up sleeping over.
Quite a fun night.

I was a bit put off this morning though. No idea why. Bad memories perhaps. I really miss her. I feel like an idiot for letting the opportunity pass a few days ago. I could've talked to her, found out how she is. Instead, I opted to being a coward and ignored her. Can you say DUMB?

Whatever. Gotta let that go. Don't you hate how some memories come at the least wanted times. Hmph.

Yesterday I went to my uncle's apartment. It is absolutely gorgeous. He took us out for dinner but we all had dnner plans. Hence we ended up eating appetizers. I had 3 chicken wings, a few fries, and a mini burger (1/4 of it). At my friend's house, I ate a small portion of rice and curry.

That was my meal for the whole day yesterday, plus this morning. Today, at around 3:30ish, I had fish and fries. Half of which is still uneaten.

I feel so full. And tired. I have absolutely no energy.

School starts tomorrow and I'm so not ready for it. I haven't even started on my homework. I don't think I'll be doing it tonight. Whatever. First day back, teachers will understand. =)

Telll me its all going to be ok

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I have no idea why. I just...I have a feeling something is going to go wrong.

It's probably just me. I can't sleep. I can't cry. I don't even think I can feel. I just feel so empty, yet at the same time, so overwhelmed.

I'm pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. And stupid. Did I mention crazy? Yeah. I'm crazy as well.

run awayyyy

Wish a scream would make everything better. I don't know what I'm feeling. I want to cry. But I don't even have enough energy for that. I just...I need a hug. Better yet, a day away from reality.

Burn in Flames

Feels like years since I last posted. I've been so tired and weak. Doesn't help that I've been pigging out like a pig. Just so nervous.

She's in town and I can't help but be fidgety. When I saw her first, I just walked away. Ended up sucking it up and couldn't run when we bumped into each other. Stupid me didn't say a word. Not even hi. I just hugged her and stood there like a baboon. Honestly. I feel so stupid. I've been waiting years to talk to her again, and now that I have the chance, I'm bloody scared. We're both just so different. Didn't fail to notice that her and my aunt are inseperable again. Hmph.


Perhaps I've moved on. I hope so.

As for food. I've been so nervous, thinking that she'll pop out anytime, that I've been filling myself with food every chance I get. I even ended up baking a cake yesterday. I feel sick eating so much, especially after practically starving myself for 2 weeks.

I can barely remember everything I ate. I just know that it was mostly junk (no surprise there).

Well, 3 more days until school starts again. I still have 2 projects to do. I haven't even started them yet. I'm obviously the queen of procrastination. [ROLLEYES]

Just the thought of going back to school is making me fidgety. I don't want to go through that again. Last week before break was bad enough.

I feel so weak. I can't face school. I couldn't face new years. And I couldn't face her. To top it off, I can't stop eating. No wonder I'm gaining weight like crazy.

Another year...joy.

I've never understood what's so happy about new years. It's just another day. What exactly are we celebrating? Getting through the year? Growing up and being able to face another year? What about those who want to do neither? Do we say Sad New Year? Pathetic New Year? Another New Year?

First post of 2008 and all I can do is wallow in my own self pity. I'm pathetic. Let's just blame it on the hunger. Still haven't eaten anything. ARGH.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Year's Eve

So, here I am on New Year's Eve. At home. Despite my want to go to the New Years party, I still ended up at home.

The day started out bad. Woke up early because a friend and I had plans to go help set up for tonight. The second I got out of my room, I got bombarded with comments such as, "Why do you want to go with her? Just come with us," "She won't come. You'll be bored there," ect.

Well, they were right, I didn't end up going. Not too bummed about that. However, the rest of the day was spent worrying about my friend. Is she alright? Would we make it tonight? Will this ruin the whole night?

Like you know from my previous posts, I was extremely anxious about tonight. I dreaded it, but at the same time, I was a bit excited. I wanted to get dressed up. I wanted to dance. I wanted to joke around and have fun. Still, a bigger part of me was scared that like every other year, I'd be disappointed today.

Having my friend complain and put doubts in my mind didn't quite help. I know it sounds selfish. She has a right to have a bad day. I guess I was so lost in my own problems and worries that I couldn't see how badly it was affecting both me and her.

As always, I fucked this day up. At 5:30ish, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:45ish from a wonderful dream. In it, I had the best New Year's ever. Keeping that in mind, I silently said a prayer and went to the computer. I said to myself, if I get a reply in 5minutes, that means I'll have a good time if I go. If not, then I'll stay home.

Just my luck, my friend was busy and couldn't answer. I took it as a sign that it was best if I stayed home. Hence, I went off to my bed again. Ended up drenching myself and my pillow.

I cried...because I wanted to go. Because I was a coward who couldn't stand the thought of rejection-in any way. I cried because of my awful luck. My stupidity. My lonliness. My past. My future. You know...when you start with one thing, you end up with a million.

Well. It's now 10pm. 2 more hours. I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. Hopefully I wont wake up tomorrow. I know that a certain friend will love to rub in all the events of tonight. I rather not feel any worse than I already do.

Funny how I already have another fear-the disappointment I'll be feeling when I get the details of tonight.

I've never before had to worry about that. I just have a feeling that she'll be quite upset, as she should be. I not only let myself down, but her as well.

Btw: My meal today: 1 orange.

Kind of hungry. Don't have any energy to cook up something. meh. There's always tomorrow. (Unfortunately)

I don't want to be alone in a crowd.

Purrrrrfect day.

I hate this day. I feel like shit. Been dressed since 9 in the morning. Whatever. I don't mind that. I just. Fuck. I can't even explain this.
I feel disappointed, scared, lonely, frustrated and guilty.


Time to write on my other blog. =)

My meals today:
Breakfast at 1030--1 piece of pizza
Snack at 1100--3 oranges
1120--2 chocolate bars
345--huge plate of rice and chicken

I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much. I now have the worst back and side pain. I can't sit, stand, turn, or any sort of movement.

To top it off, I dreading tomorrow so much. I don't want to go anywhere on New Years. I'm so nervous. I know it sounds crazy. I wish I knew how to describe what I'm feeling.

Argh. Another year...and I'm in the same place I always am. Just once...I want things to be different.

stupid me

Stupid stupid stupid me.
I actually thought that I'd be able to eat a medium sized pizza. Been craving stuffed crust pizza for weeks now. So tonight I finally decided to order it. I barely ate all day, so I figured I'd be hungry enough to eat at least half the box.

Dun dun dun. Full after half a piece. Bummer. Pizza taste awesome. And...I think I'm still hungry, but I know if I eat even a bite more, I'll end up being sick.

You have no idea how much it's bugging me. I used to be able to eat 2 large boxes of pizza in one sitting, and now, I can barely eat one piece.

I'm so tired of this. I want to eat normally. The way I used to.
My meals today:

3:30-5 perogies
11:50-1 piece of pizza

It's pathetic. I used to eat 4 maybe 5 meals a day. And they were huge. I can't find a reason to it. I know its not because I think I'm fat. If that were the case, I'd eat healthy and watch my calories and whatnot. I just can't eat too much. And I barely get hungry.

I just want this to stop.

So much for going out today. Mother left at 8am with her friend. I called her and she said "I won't be home till the evening." Hmph.
Old Hag is going out with her sister. Sooo...I'm left. Alone. Again.
Better than being with those two I guess. =)

Is it so wrong for me to not want to be alone? I've practically been begging people to do something with me. Even a walk wouldn't be bad (however much I detest them). God. Today's been the worst day.

I'm just a kid. I want to live my life as one. Why is it so hard? Where's the off button when you need it?

If God's so merciful, then why won't He take me home? I'm sure that place wouldn't be too bad.
Just. So. Tired.

Even books aren't taking my mind off things.

Arrgghh

Just not fair! I feel like screaming and crying at the same time. Seeeeeeeee. Not even December 31st and it's already starting.

I'm going to bed. Nothing better to do. Maybe I can hide in my dreams. They've got to be better than reality...right?
Oh who am I kidding? My dreams are usually worse.

Tomorrow, I for sure am going to do something. Perhaps I'll ask mother to drop me off at the mall and pick me up in the evening. I hate being home. I feel like I'm suffocating in here. It's winter break and all I do is stay at home. Pathetic really. Like mother like daughter? Seems that'll be my life.

blahhhh

So exhausted.
Grandma made fish and fries for me and my uncle. I ended up taking 3 bites and was full. I'm really not used to eating too much. I forced myself to eat more because my uncle kept giving me weird looks and said he wouldn't leave until I ate. So I ate a few more bites.

That was at 2. It's now 5:20 and I'm still really full.

Been watching Hannah Montana and Fresh Prince all day. Thinking about going khane but don't really feel like it. I know I should since I haven't gone for days. Just don't feel like doing anything.

So nervous.
Keep getting a weird feeling. For the past few days. Maybe its just nerves since new years is coming up.

I can't even write. =(

I'm Fine-MJB

This song reminds me of myself and a close friend. ;)

Benazir Bhutto

RIP

I remember learning about this lady from my great-uncle. He used to adore her. Believed that she would bring the change that is very much needed in Pakistan. It wasn't only him who had such hope, thousands of people believed so as well.
However, like every hopeful thing in this world, this light had opponents as well. And this is what caused the downfall of such a brave woman.

This woman went against her religion. Instead she followed her own beliefs and stood up for them. Being a woman in her region, that is something which is very difficult to do.

We've all heard of the harsh laws and beliefs of the people in the East. One of the things they oppose most is the role of women. According to them, women shouldn't hold any roles and do as the men say. Bhutto went against that and tried her hardest to bring democracy and peace in Pakistan.

This woman won't be forgotten. She'll live to be a role model for many young ladies and hopefully one day, another Bhutto will be born.

I couldn't fall asleep at 3, so I ended up staying awake in room listening to the radio. They're playing the same thing over and over again. Got tired of that. So went to go shower. Wasted about an hour in there.

It's now 5pm and I'm going back to my room. I wish places were open. A restaurant should be right?? I should call for delivery. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm eating their food. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

People were right. They don't care. Dumb me and my silly kid ideas.

Happy Christmas

Never had such an eventful day.
Woke up at 8, went on the comp for 30min. Wrote on blog, messaged a few people. Then went to my room and finished my book.

At 9:20 I went back to bed and woke up again at 12. Looked at the time, and went back to bed.

It's now 240 and all I want to do is go back to bed. Even sleeping is hard. I keep reliving all the crapy days of my life.

I don't remember ever feeling this alone and unwanted.
Haven't eaten a proper meal since the 15th. Haven't eaten anything in 2 days. I'm not even hungry. Perhaps my time is coming up.

LMAO. That was a good joke. The day God calls me back will be the day there's going to be world peace. Exactly. Never going to happen.

Fuck. I apologize for being so blah. I guess I'm going to go back to bed.

Wake me up when it's all over.

Woke up this morning reliving most of my recent new year celebrations.

There was one year where 8 of my friends went to a sleepover without inviting me. That was the year that I lost them all. After a while, I figured out why I wasn't invited: the father of one of my friend's didn't like me.

Then there was the year where I stayed home so I could talk to my friend the whole night (she wasn't allowed to go anywhere). The night ended up in us in a permanent fight. Did I mention that we were friends for 6 years.

Then came the year where I went to a Eid/New Year's party. I spent the whole night being tormented by people. They laughed at me, made fun of me, and so I ended up hiding out with my mother, who ignored me for her boyfriend.

One year, I spent it at my house with one of my friends. Two days later, we stopped talking.

Wow. Basically, all my new years have been crappy. Can't wait for this one. I think I've already lost one friend. I don't want to lose another. I wish I could explain how nervous I've been. Since December started, I've wanted to hide away and never come out.

the taste of freedom...the life i used to know

Often, in hopes of something better, we fail to see what's right infront of our eyes. We are usually so engrossed in trying to get the "perfect" life. The perfect man. The perfect house. The perfect outfit. What we fail to understand is that there is no such thing as perfect. We just need to take what we have and make the best of it, before its too late. And it usually will be. Because in order to understand that, we usually need to lose something "perfect."

All my life I've been running. Running from my friends, my family, my dreams, myself. Running, and hoping to find my perfect life. The life I see many others living. But that's just the thing. Everything looks so much better from the outside. No one looks deeper when the outside looks so beautiful. We live a life full of expectations. Yet, we fail to fulfill our own needs. Better yet, we fail to figure out what it is that we need. So, I guess we all need to stop running and enjoy what we have. Because sometimes, what may be hell for you, could be heaven for someone else.

Fake it

I wrote this a few days ago, changed a few things and here it is:

I don't do half relationships. Not anymore. I hate the feeling it gives you. So, the second that a relationship goes anywhere close to dying, I back away. Sometimes it might be fixed, but my attitude and feelings toward the person doesn't change much. I'll suck things up for the sake of the other person, and let fate decide the rest.

Sounds shitty doesn't it? It works. Plus, it's quite surprising how many people actually fake things like that.

If I could, I'd roll my eyes and never stop. People are pathetic.
=)

and its all just words anyway

It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture, all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones who run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves.

=D

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave Barry

blah blah blah are we done yet?

Terribly tired. Can't sleep.
I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to stay home. Praying like crazy that I get a doc's appoin. Then I'll probably chill at the mall or something. Maybe go watch a movie. Ooohh. Yeah that sounds awesome. A movie. Lord knows how much I adore movies. LOL.

I feel so empty right now. And emotional. But the emotional part is a daily occurance. One would think that I'd be used to it by now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I just watched Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. And it got me wondering: What exactly is my comfort food? I've noticed that I don't eat as much when I'm stresed or blah. I used to be an emotional eater...what happened?

Xmass

Absolutely loved the movie Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. It was sad, cute, and funny. A perfect combo in my eyes.
Although, it makes me feel even lonlier than I felt before. Pathetic isn't it?

Meh. Guess I'll go about it the old fashioned way-wait for the "perfect man." Or better yet, the "next man."

Tired.
Making new blog. =)

Eid Mubarak.

I had such a good idea for a blog post, but unfortunately, I forgot it. -_-
Hm. Anyway. What is it about hurting a person which brings so much satisfaction? Today, mother and I went to Walmart to get her car fixed and while we were waiting I saw Cinderella 2 and 3. I got super excited because I've been looking for those dvds for months now. Mom laughed and walked away. I told her, "you should've got me that for my birthday." She said, "every time I asked you what you wanted, you'd say nothing or say you wanted books." This started a fight (yep right in Walmart). I started bitching and asked why I never got what I wanted (books). I said, "If I couldn't get the books, what makes you think I would've got the dvds." Which soon led to, "You're my mother, you should know what I want. I know most of what you'd like."

Seeing her in pain made me happy. I know it sounds sick and low, but getting my anger out felt good. But at the same time, I felt bad. Because she keeps complaining about lack of money.

By the time mother and I got back in the car, I was pissed again. She actually had the audicity to decline my request of getting the dvds, which were $50 together, and instead she booked an appoinment to get her hair done. Which, might I mention, costs approx $120, and she last got it done first week of December. I haven't gotten my hair done in over 7 months. She promised to let me get it done for my birthday. Infact, she's promised a lot. Maybe I should listen to my friend when she says, "Don't expect anything from anyone."

Maybe I will go to school on Friday. Hell. Maybe I'll go to school tmr as well. Been home with them for less than 5min and I'm already crying. God. Imagine the weeks of winter break. I'll be in bed the whole time.
They frustrate me so much. I don't even talk to them and they do something to piss me off. Fuck.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I know that if I don't go tomorrow than I'll have to go on Friday. I rather miss Thursday and Friday, then just start my winter break.

I don't know what it is about being alone that frightens me so much. I don't mind being alone at the theatres, or at a restaurant, but there are some places where being alone is so hard.

My school plays Christmas songs during the breaks. My favorite songs. Yet, I'm usually in class by then so I don't get to hear it. Sucks doesn't it. When you don't have anyone to share special, stupid times with. Maybe thats why people get married. To have security. To know that there will be someone at your side at all times. Perhaps I was being too selfish when I stopped my mom from getting married all those times. It's not like any of them were good men though.

I hate how I'm always feeling so guilty. -_- No matter what it is, the guilt is always there. *sigh* Just one more thing I have to work on I guess.

What is it about a 'thank you' that makes most people feel so warm??
With me, those words make me feel guilty. What I do, or say, are things that are really minor and feel like nothing to me. So when someone thanks me for doing something like that, it makes me wonder if they actually meant it. Guilt as well because I myself barely show my appreciation. I wasn't taught to do it. From a young age, words like thank you, please, and sorry weren't taught to me. They weren't a daily occurance. So when someone says any of the above to me, I feel...small.

Today, two people thanked me for being there for them. Yet when I think about it, I feel like I didn't do anything. It felt like nothing to me. I know that sometimes even the small things might mean a lot to someone, but its difficult to accept that I could do something nice.

Gord. I don't even know how to explain it without feeling like I'm repeating the same things.

Going back to one of the people who thanked me. Her precise words were: Thank you. I was confused and asked what for. Her reply was: "For being there today. Just like you always used to be"
This girl and I have barely spoken for years. And hearing her say something like that, it reminded me of something someone else said to me recently. "I miss who you were. You were the best friend a person could have. Where did that fun Alishah go?"

I'd like to think I haven't changed that much. But I can't be sure about that. I can't remember who I was (like I've mentioned in my earlier posts). Scary isn't it? Forgetting yourself.

Computer Aids

My computer has aids. -_- Last night it kept shutting off, which made me really frustrated considering I was trying to have a convo. =(
Anyway, this may be one of my last posts in a while. Gotta try to get my comp fixed. Gord knows how I'm going to do that.

Grandma dearest decided to watch my fav soap with me. It made me so mad. But I controlled my anger (yeah first time ever), and I let her watch. (I can't even write cause she's near me. Just the site of her makes my blood boil. I know I'm being rude but I'm extremely picky with the people I'm around. I have half a mind to grab the glass in my hand and throw it at her. I've been having these thoughts a lot today. Wanting to hurt someone, physically. It sounds so tempting.

Anyway. Today was another day spent alone. Joy. One more day of this torture. Know what's worse? Coming home and being alone...AGAIN. I only need a day or two off from people, not a whole week. Argh. My plan is to stay home on Thursday because of Eid and to stay home on Friday because I'm going to be "sick." LOL.

Fear...?

While talking to a friend about New Years plans, she said this: I think you have a fear of abandonment that resonates from the time of childhood- starting with the abandonment of your Father...throughout the years that fear has been re-enforced by the loss of friends...This fear of abandonment causes you to close yourself off from others, it causes you to judge others and assume the worst of most situations

It sounds true. But difficult to accept.
Trying to see the positives in any situation is hard-for any person. It's human instinct to always have a back-up plan and to take care of yourself no matter what. That's what I'm doing...right?
As for my father, I've heard that theory many times. Usually starts off with elderly people saying, "Those girls with no fathers, they're always looking for men to fill that void." Then they look at me and shake their heads. Hmph.

LOL. Father. I haven't written about him in months. Think about it every day though. Feels a bit...unfair. Siblings...a father..I wonder how it'd feel to grow up like that-with those people in my life. I guess this brings another fear in my life: growing up and having a family. I wouldn't know the first thing to do. Or what to expect. I guess that's why I resent my half-siblings so much-because they had what I didn't. A part of me hates them for stealing what was originally supposed to be mine.

A few people have recently told me that everything happens for a reason and when things get tough, just to give all my problems to God. But that makes me feel so guilty. Doesn't He have enough to worry about? I'm sure He does. I get along fine with Him just looking out for me occassionally. I ask for enough as it is. =)

Just smile and nod right? Make sure everyone believes the false.
Life is like an echo. All comes back
The good, the bad, the false.
So give the world the best you can,
And the best will come to you.
And isn't that just what I'm doing? Giving the best. Cause in the end, no matter what you do, it'll come back. So might as well pretend it's all good, so maybe the good will come back.


(If this doesn't make sense, don't worry. Cause I don't get it either. I just had to blog something)

*sigh*
Such a crappy day. A few good parts, but overall, I felt guilty for smiling when I did.

A lady I really adore told me that I shouldn't worry about anything and smile even if I don't feel happy. Because just by smiling, it'll make me feel good. I tried that. And it worked. But deep inside I felt so bad. Why is it hard to smile when someone close to you isn't?

P.S. I find it pathetic that most of the people I know are in relationships. I want one tooooo. (hint hint Santa)

P.P.S. I'm thinking of making another blog. Or changing the name of this one.

Ohh Deaarr

I have never understood people's fear of aging.
Humans have been on earth for centuries, yet the traditional phases of life still haven't been accepted by many.
Just today, my English teacher mentioned how good it felt when someone said: you're only 50, you still have half your life to live.
Why though? Why should it feel good? Can't we accept how the "circle of life" is supposed to work.

It starts with age and ends with size. No one is ever going to be content. So much for accepting yourself...no matter what.

"You can't help who or what you are, just like a skunk can't help its smell."

Feels like someone scooped out all my insides and left it a bit too empty.
Gord. I can't sleep, and I can't type. I don't know what to say. I can't hold up a conversation, and I can't think of anything. My mind is so blank. Makes me mad that I don't know the cause of this. There's a reason for everything isn't there? So where's the reason for this?

Teri yaad aati hein

Now I know how she felt. Bit too late now though. She's coming to town soon. Another reason I don't want to be out too much these next few weeks. Just incase. I can't have her out of all the people see me like this. Wow. I haven't written about her in ages. I miss her so much. Maybe that's another reason I'm like this. I wish I knew. I want to stay home so bad tomorrow. I wish it was just me in the house. Better yet, I want to go to Timmy's.

I remember when I stopped going to Timmy's for a year. I stopped going everywhere. Any place that reminded me of either of them. God. It really feels like those days. I've been missing them both. It feels good to live in the past than to accept the present.

A part of me really doesn't want to accept this new person in my life. Knowing that she could become another them, it's scary. I don't want to give so much power to another person. I have a hard time giving it to myself. Sometimes I just want to push her away and tell her to fuck off. But where would that leave me? Not talking to her for a day got me in pieces. Imagine a whole lifetime. Sucks how much a person can mean. No matter how hard you try not to let them in. I did a good job with my other friends. My last "best friend," I didn't even blink when she left. I thought I was getting good at it. Apparently not. I guess I need more practice. Maybe, subconsciously, that's what I was doing these past few days. Especially last night.

Wish I were degradable. I'd break to pieces and whither away.

Hmm

I fail to understand a person's need to understand everything.

I spent approx 2 hours with a friend, talking in circles. Did it get either of us anywhere? No. We both probably still feel like shit and half the time were extremely fake. Instead of looking out for ourselves, we went for the obvious and most familiar-making sure the other was alright. Why is it that we fail to ignore ourselves, just so we can follow the norm. Better yet: What is the norm?

The better part of the evening was spent watching Borat-one of the funniest movies ever made. Yet, throughout half the movie, I was either forcing myself to laugh or completely lost. I didn't know half of what was going on. My mind and heart just weren't into it. Sure, I enjoyed seeing my friend happy, but I'm still the same way I was. I couldn't help but wonder how fake she was being.

That's what this world is made of isn't it? Fakeness. We fake smiles, laughter and sometimes even love. Where exactly did the realness go? Has reality turned fake as well?

Home again. Wow. Work was hell. My cheeks are sore from fake smiling. I barely talked to anyone.

I did think of a lot of things. Mainly at how selfish I'm being right now. A close friend needs help, and instead of being there for her, I'm wallowing in my own shit. I can't believe I forgot my own motto: Helping others helps keep my own problems in perspective. Hence the reason I should shut up and suck it up.

However, being there for her isn't that easy. For one, I barely know what she's going through. When I try to talk to her about her stuff, I get an odd vibe. Ok. I admit, it was my fault that her appoin backfired. I shouldn't have forced her. Sometimes I do retarded things without thinking.

Sometimes I really wish I knew my half-siblings. Feeling just a bit too lonely right now.

Woke up with a bloody headache and with tears on my pillow. According to my mother I was crying the whole night. Go figure. Apparently I even have feelings while I'm asleep.

Worst part about it all...Monday I'm going to be alone. Even though I have school, most people I know are going to some court case. Joy. You would think that after all this time I'd be used to being alone. Guess not.

As for a certain person's comments, alcohol and pills do help. At least for a while. And while we're at it, so does physical pain. Oh and I'd prefer you didn't stick your nose into this and "try" to get me help. Like you always say, "I do everything on my own."

On a positive note, I just went upstairs and found a whole box full of chocolates that I absolutely love! Hope no one misses it. Cause I'm done half the box. Oops. So much for that "eating disorder" I was accused of having eh.

Yeah. I'm being sarcastic and probably going to regret all of this later, but after the crappy weekend I just had, I could care less. I think a part of me is dying to hurt a certain someone. It's just who I am. When things get hard, I hurt those who "care" because I know it'll affect them the most. I guess thats what I did with the last two.

I cannot wait until work is over tonight. I'm going home and going to sit on my ass until 9 watching Christmas movies. One of my favorite movies is on tonight: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I used to adore that movie. Unfortunately, that movie now brings bad memories.

Funny how that is. I end up losing "friends" every year. I always used to think that my family was being mean when they said that I was a bad person that's why I kept losing people. But makes a person wonder. Could that be true? You don't see any other normal person lose people every year. Hmph. Just my luck.

I used to think that everything was for the best. That having those people in my life wouldn't do me any good. Boy was I wrong. Look where it got me. Nowhere. Same place I keep going to-hell.

Hahahaha. My horoscope for today:

December 16, 2007
It could be that you are feeling a strong sense of guilt at this time, Alishah, because of something you did in an effort to feed your own ego. Be aware of how your actions have affected others and apologize for what you have done. Guilt is basically a useless emotion that you should rid yourself of as quickly as possible. Don't let this feeling keep you from opening up your heart the way you need to in order to restore it to its original innocence.

Too funny.


P.S. So far: 5 people this year. (L)

God. I'd do anything for a hug right now. Maybe she's right. We both know this was my fault. If I hadn't had forced her to try to get help, she wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like shit.

As if I needed anything else to make this weekend any worse.
I truly am a horrible person. Did I honestly think I'd be able to help? I'm the one who hid a bloody depression for 3 years. Did I think I could help other people?

Maybe I'll take a day off of work. But I really need the money. Ugh.

Perhaps I won't even make it. I've popped 5 pills so far. God knows what kind they are. Just found them in the cabinet with a bunch of other pills.

How bad exactly is it to overdrink?? Cause right now, I'm willing to do anything to get away from fucking reality. Funny how half a bottle hasn't helped. Too bad I can't have any more. Stupid work tmr.

Honestly. The more I try to help-the more I fuck things up.

Blah blah blah.
I'm starving. Tummy feels empty. But when I go to eat...I feel really full. Maybe it's not my stomach that feels empty...

Fuck. I knew I should've stayed home on Friday. This all got worse on that day. Had a break from people for more than 24hrs. Still not helping. Making me feel more like shit. Funny how that happens eh? You want to be alone, but the second that you are, you feel even more lonlier. Haven't gone to Khane in 2 days. This really feels like those days again. Doesn't help that it's getting closer to New Years. I hate that day.

On a positive note: It's almost been a year since me and my bestie met. =D

I absolutely don't deal well with rejection-of any kind.

Oop
gots work tme
eekjk
sleep helus right:?
nightz

Bacardi and coke is actually really good. And makes you feel bubbly.
Hmph. I guess being alone isn't all too bad. Surprising that I haven't had a drink since last New Years. (Not surprisingly, I was alone that night).

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So. Why doesn't it feel that way??

Friday I kept getting panic/anxiety attacks. Sucks that I'm being a bitch to all my friends. 6 More days until they can get a break from me. It'll be a much needed break.

Tis the Season

10 days until Christmas and here I am sitting at home. Alone. Watching a Christmas movie.

What is it about this season that makes everyone-even those who don't celebrate it-so giddy? The lights, the music, everything is so beautiful. However there's one hitch-the whole "sappiness" part. Christmas is said to be a time when everyone comes together and celebrates. When past mistakes and issues are forgotten and new memories made. Yet why does it feel like it's not meant for everyone? Why is it that when I'm willing to be nice, change my ways, and give it a try, others just push me away. Or perhaps it's just me.

Maybe for the rest of this month I'll try doing something nice. Visit an orphanage, go to a senior's home. Something. If I can't celebrate with people who are supposed to be my friends, I might as well try to brighten up someone else's life. Right?

P.S. His and Her Christmas is an awesome movie. A bit old, but for those holiday saps, check it out.

Even my body likes to skip. -_-

The WOMAN is Angry

Why is that when a person is quiet or needing to be alone, other people freak out and start asking you questions. Yet when "other people" do the same thing, the person needs to suck it up and move on?

And why is it that when a person doesn't start a convo first others automatically assume you hate them?? What if I didn't see you online?? Or I was busy? Or better yet, didn't have anything to say. Couldn't you have started the convo first?

Honestly. I'm tired of trying to deal with other people's probs. Sure. I love you. But there's a limit to how much. I refuse to walk around alone trying to figure out what the hell could be wrong with you. If there is something wrong with you, either tell me what it is, or let me know you need to be alone. Either one is alright. But playing games is not ok.

Aite. Just had to let that out. Have a good day/night/evening/morning/ect.

aarrgghh x2

I absolutely hate when I'm PMSing, tired, starving, and I come home to the crappiest food (home-made fries that I absolutely dispise). Ok. Sure. On most days I would eat it, but lately, ever since grandma dearest came back, we've been eating food that doesn't satisfy me. Hence I've taken to eating supper out or sneaking in some fast food. However, today I was broke (since I broke my debit card) and had barely eaten the whole day. My PMS doesn't help at all because it's making me cranky and the lack of sleep I've had to deal with for the last week or so has made me even more irritible.
I know I probably sound like a bitchy woman in need of sleep, food, and a new life, but it's honestly who I am. I'm a complete ass on most days. And being around people who irritate me doesn't help. Take my mother for example: I've told her every week for 2 years that the second week of every month is when I start PMS-ing and being more moodier than usual. However, that information fails to get to her. She continues to annoy me, say screwed up jokes that do not make sense, and worst of all, she wears my grandmother's clothes that week. If that doesn't cause insanity, what will?
I guess I can't blame everything on PMS. It's me as well. I suppose ever since the old hag came back things have been really blah. I've always hated my great-grandmother. Never been fond of her. I almost hurt her physically. And now my grandmother. For the past 2 years, she has been a bit too...unpleasant. She is always cleaning. Even when the house is bloody spotless. Alright. Fine. She cleans. But she gets in my way. When I'm sitting on the computer, she'll come up behind me and start wiping the chair or something. When I tell her to leave she starts bitching about my lack of morals. Which confuses the hell outa me. What exactly does cleaning have anything to do with morals??? Sorry God, I'm a messy woman. Guess I can't make it to heaven in this lifetime. Maybe next time. [Insert sarcasm]

Since I'm ranting about family, I might as well rant about other sectors of my life. AKA Friends. I've been really weird around them lately. Especially one of my friends. She thinks a lot of me and I'd like to think it was mutual. But sometimes, I feel resentment towards her. I have a problem: the more people share their views of me with me, the more I'll push them away. For example: If someone tells me how much I mean to them, I'll immediately back away and stop feeling the same way about them. I know I don't mean it, but it not only affects my thoughts on them, but my relationship as well. *sigh* I wish I knew why I'm so afraid of affection. It bothers me. I hate seeing it and I hate having it. Another factor which results in my wanting to pull out my hair.

I think people are right-I DO need to see a bloody therapist or something.

AAARRRGGGG

*sigh*

This explains me in more ways than I can write down.
Just so tired. Of everything. I'm really in need of a change of atmosphere. Everything here is getting to me. It's too...repetitive. -_-

Way to cheer us negative ppl up...

Birthday..nope. Deathday sounds better

Wow. After days of trying to get into my blog...it finally worked.
I've really needed to vent. What about I have no idea. I just need to write. Write...but not to anyone specific. Even if I wanted to write to someone, I couldn't explain myself. I've just been so blah recently. What's worse is that it's 12:30am and no one has said happy birthday to me. The number of days I've stayed up late just to wish someone on their bday...and I get nothing.

Such a small thing, yet, I'm making a huge deal out of it. I don't even care much for birthdays. I guess feeling blah to start off with didn't help the situation much.

As for me feeling blah:
I've been losing a ton of energy because of my lack of nutrition. I can't eat much anymore. It hurts to eat. Even if I'm hungry and warm food up, putting it in my mouth is really hard. I just cannot get myself to do it. My lack of food intake has been causing me to get nasty migranes. Which in turn makes me bitchy.
Not to mention my mood. I'm either really happy, or really put off. Just random emotions of sadness, lonliness, and anxiety pass by me, and it makes me question everything in life. It's been coming back--the depression. And this time it's worse because I don't know the reason-and because it has a lot more to it. Migranes, no food, foul mood, and on top of that, being cut of from certain people.

Losing friends-I thought I was over that. When it first happened I couldn't have cared two shits about it. But lately, it all hurts. Seeing them, makes me wonder why I never had that. It feels like my childhood and teenage years are rushing past me. I'm not complaining about my life right now. I absolutely adore the friends I have, yet it always feels like something is missing. And that empty feeling has really been getting to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be stronger and take on the world with a cheerful attitude. But I can't. It hurts to even laugh for too long. It's not even the emotion hurt...it's also the physical. Makes me feel guilty because its affecting those around me. They don't deserve that.

*sigh*
Just need a break from life.
Cannot wait for this day to be over. The fake wishes and thank you's. Just a bit too much for me to handle.

Isn't it ironic...

We ignore who adores us. Adore who ignores us. Love who hurts us and hurt who loves us.

Lately, things haven't been too great. And I've come to realize that we humans are the stupidest creatures ever when it comes to things that matter. I've been taking all my anger and frustration out on those closest to me-which isn't fair at all.

So. This blog goes out to those special people in my lives who have been there for me through everything.

ilu.

We've all had those days where everything goes wrong. You hear stuff being said about you, people yell, things go wrong. All this causes you to have evil thoughts. You ponder over the crappy day for hours. Then...you hear a nice word or phrase being said to you and you break loose.

What exactly is the power of kind words? Especially when it comes from someone you least expected it to come from.

Fly me Away to Happily Ever After

Stepford vs Normal-What's inbetween?

Why is it that what we show to the outside world is way different from what we show to those "close" to us? Why do we always put on a show? Is it for the benefit of others, or for ourselves? Do others really care what you really are like? Do they think in their heads "Oh look, its those peoople going at it again!" Do others expect us to be perfect?

Look, dress, act like the Stepford family.

Don't shout. Don't speak. Smile. Nod. Even go as far as curtsying.

Is there such a family? Why do we judge others when behind closed doors, each of us is the same way. I doubt that there is a single family in the world which carries an ideal picture.

Sure, we all dream of it, watch it on tv. But can any of us say that we've witnessed such a scene in our everyday lives?

Next time you're out shopping or out on the streets and you see an argument between a family, don;t jump to conclusions thinking about how they need therapy. Instead, keep walking and think of your own family. I'm sure you've all acted in that manner.

Saddest Song Ever! 911 =[

Rant #101

Bloody hell. Oh bloody bloody hell!
I can't take this. She..that..that blah! Honestly, if I could, I'd plunge a 10 foot pole into her. Always! She ALWAYS gets EVERYTHING! Its just not bloody fair anymore.

I try to make a conversation, and what does she do?? She freakin goes and starts talking about how close they are! Ok yeah sure I said that I'm over him and I'm ok talking about him...but I didn't expect people to be so damn dumb! For people to actually have believed me is preposterous! CRAZY! INSANE!

Why in the name of Merlin would anyone listen to me? HELLO!..I'm the crazy, psychotic, pathetic dumbo!!

Next time I even come close to starting a conversation about you and him...RUN! HIDE! DISTRACT ME!

Amen.

Hmm

What exactly is it about the other gender which intrigues us so much?

Ok. Guys have penises and women have breasts and vaginas
but other than that...we're quite similar
Is it just that physical difference which attracts us to one another?
Or is there something more? Some hidden thing which pulls us towards one another.

While women are certainly no strangers to faking it - we've faked our hair color, cup size, hell, we've even faked fur. I couldn't help but wonder, has fear of being alone suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more then orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships? Is it better to fake it then be alone?

-[Sex and the City]

Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero?

-[Sex and the City]

Why is it that Sex and the City actually makes me feel good about myself?

Despite the fact that there are over two billion people on the planet, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.

“Are there some women put in the world just to make you feel bad about yourself?”

I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.

All women really want is to be rescued.

That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.

I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less.





I've been dating since I was 15! WHERE IS HE? [This reminds me of someone I know ;)]

When the truth finally hits you, it's like a ton of bricks falling on a bird. Crushing, painful, and sad.

DH SPOILERS!

Ok, I will most likely get shouted at for this...but I really need to do this rant. For me the most disappointing thing about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was, I dunno...LIKE TWO THIRDS OF IT. There were so many things about the book, that were either incredibly dumb, or just flat-out boring. THE ENTIRE MIDDLE PORTION of the book, where they're just disapparating out of places and travelling the country doing nothing, almost put me to sleep, until JK seemed to realise that these parts were boring as hell, and randomly inserted two chapters "Bathilda's secret" and "Malfoy Manor" in an obvious attempt to keep her readers' interest, cause they're the only times when there's action. The action comes from out of nowhere (a woman turning into nagini?? come on). The ending was incredibly long and drawn-out, and interrupted with chapters that seemed completely out of place (a)The war's about to resume, but excuse me while I stick my head in a sink and go over some memories, and b) lets go to a train station and talk to dumbledore, and i'll come back to life to finish off voldemorrt when I feel like it) The final confrontation was overly dramatic. The whole 7th book cover gave the idea that Harry was alone in facing Voldemort, but in the end, when he does, they are surrounded by people who are watching it like they would watch a soccer/hockey game. What the hell? And the aftermath of the fight should not have been celebratory, (yay, Voldemorts dead, lets party!) it should have been emotional for Harry, with the realisation that it was all over, with some self-reflection. But the biggest problem with the book was that, without hogwarts as a sort of boundary to contain the plot, the story was completely all over the place and a real mess, with everything happening randomly and without explanantion (this is shown perfectly in the chapter "Magic is might", when JK spends exactly one sentence explaining how "over the past month, Harry et. al had been planning an infiltration of the ministry) The plot was overly complicated and random (lets go to the MOM, lets go to see Lovegood, lets go to Godrics Hollow, lets go to Gringotts, lets go to Bill's cottage, and on and on) In fact this confusion pretty much summed itself up when JK introduced the whole concept of the Hallows. While Harry was searching for the horcruxes, then spent like 5 chapters in limbo DOING NOTHING, because Ron and Hermione wanted to find horcruxes, and harry wanted to find hallows, and as a result...NOTHING HAPPENED during these sequences...
So, in conclusion, suffice it to say that I was incredibly disappointed in the book.

I'm not an HP or a JK basher, I love Harry Potter, perhaps too much, cause it seems I clearly expected too much from the book, and I really wanted a great ending from the series.

=[

I absolutely hate the idea of spoilers. It infuriates me that people would sabotage the happiness of others. Who the heck do they think they are? I mean people get serious. If you have no life and no love, why take that out on someone who simply wants to enjoy a great piece of literature.

Yawn!

Am I weird because I've moved past the stage where all I can think about is boys? I fail to understand why the opposing gender is so interesting. Why go through all that trouble just to get noticed or start a relationship that will eventually end?
I personally feel that there is more to life than obsessing over a person. Sure, I like guys, but I don't think I'd go to the extreme of thinking and talking about them 24/7. (At least not anymore ;) ) Don't people have more interesting things to talk about? Doesn't it get boring talking about guys/girls all day? I get tired even thinking about them.
Meh. Maybe its just me. Perhaps I've had enough of the status quo. I need some change in my life.

Excuses Excuses Excuses

Ever run out of excuses for school or work? Well read on to find sme splendid excuses:

-Excuse my daughter for being absent for three weeks. She's going to have a baby
-I did my homework, but I just forgot to write it down!
-Student: " Miss! Would you punish someone for something they didn't do?"
-I'm going through puberty!
-Please excuse shyann from gym today she was watching t.v. yestuday and strained her eyes so now she can't focus well.
-"I have anal glaucoma-- I don't see my ass coming to class today."
-I can't go to school today because I irritated my aunt.
-Please excuse my tardiness, My Mother took Drugs while she was pregnant with me.
-My underwear was too tight, it was cutting off the circulation to my brain!
-Please excuse Samantha from swimming today because of her plumbing problems.
-Sorry I was late; the bell rang before I got here.
-I'm sorry Tyler can't go to school today because his hormones are raging.
-Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

-It is against my religion to work on Mondays and Wednesdays.
-I have amnesia, who r u? .........work?..............I work?
-I'm just about to reach enlightenment, so I cant possibly come to work because it will disturb my practices.
-I'm sorry but my eyes are just in bad shape right now. I just cant see myself going into work today.
-I can't come into work today, I have anal glacoma. What? I can't see my butt coming into work!!!
-I'll be late for work today becuase I was on my way to the car, and see it was hot out so I decided I needed to take a break.
-My arm is too tired to shift, so I can't drive to work today
-I won't be able to come into work today because i have to visit my sister in hospital, she had an epileptic seizure as she was holding her baby, threw the baby in front of her which i caught, she then jumped through one of my stained glass windows and landed in my fish pond killing the koi carp. Sorry.
-I just called to say I couldn't make it to work today. My computer has a virus and I have been up all night cleaning up after and tending to it.
-I'll be out today because I got stuck in traffic on the Parkway and I was overcome by the fumes and had to go home
-I cant come to work tomorrow its messing up my social life
-I can't come in to work. I don't have enough money.
-I only missed the one day but [fill in another persons name ] missed four days in a row and you didn't say anything to them!
-Oh, you mean it's Next' Monday I have off!! (Note: must be said with an incredulous expression)
-I couldn't find a spot to park (Note: This is often true at my workplace!)
-I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
-I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
-Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
-When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
-There's a Gilligan's Island marathon coming on TV, and I have to go home and set my VCR.
-I really wanted to come to work this morning, but physical circumstances wouldn't allow it.
I just wanted to see if you could get along without me, so you would know how valuable I am to you.
-I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
-I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
-Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
-I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).

And one of my favorites: I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition. As well as: My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.

-I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday.

B-O-R-E-D bored was her name-o

OK. Considering that I am extremely bored and really tired of hearing my neighbors yell, I decided to google the keyword "bored." As some of you may know, there is a site called www.bored.com
I found it highly amusing. Especially its Vitual Online Insult Generator.
Here are some of the insults I got thrown my way:

Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the TV guide was directions to get to the television.
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico.
Yo momma's so poor I went into her house and saw a bunch of cockroaches sittin around the toilet singin We are family.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
You are so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Shock me, say something intelligent.
You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

Oh dear! I hope no one reading this gets offended by Yo Mamma jokes.

Just to get into Capital Ex!

Gate Admission
Adults/Senior 13 yrs+ $10 at the gate
Youth 7-12 yrs $5 at the gate
Children six and under FREE
Senior's Day 60 yrs+ $5

Is anyone else a bit miffed by these prices? I mean, why spend $10 just to get into the damn place? Surely the grounds aren't sacred or anything.
Hmph! Damn people ripping us off. And to think we actually take this shit. I say we revolt and not pay!

Damn bloody people!

Sacrifices are an every day occurance. It's something all of us have dealt with and will continue to deal with. But it still doesn't make it easier to endure.

If Only.

It upsets me immensely when I need to suck up my pride and pretend like nothings wrong. When I have to act as if what was said or done did not hurt me or affect me in any way. What I fail to understand is the measures people will take to hurt others. A simple look of disgust can cause way much more harm than a verbal accusation. Yet, this fact seems to fly by people and they keep on doing it.
Has the world come to such that there is no such thing as humanity anymore. Do we not know how to control our emotions and let bygones be bygones. Sure, it's a basic human act to want to express ourselves and to lash out when we feel physically or emotionally threatened, but is it so hard to forgive those who do that? We all know that such things happen, so why not brush it off instead of wanting to get back at that person.

"So and so said this to me so I'm going to do this."

We've all been taught to act our age and not our shoe size, howevever, most times our shoe sizes seem to get the better of us. Personally, I'm glad that I have big feet. 10 appears to be a better age to act than the normal 6 or 7.

Another thing I'd like to point out: humour.
We all know how well it works as a stress-reliever, yet many fail to use it.

Alas, if all else fails, just smile and nod and accept things the way it is. Not much we can do is there? The world will not cease to exist if a few of us disagree with the status-quo. Unfortunate as that may be.

Mesmerize Me

Wow. I haven't written in such a long time. I've been going through quite an emotional rollercoaster lately.
The bitchy-ness I've made my mother endure. Ignoring many of my friends. Not paying as much importance to the people who've always been there for me. And worst of all, talking to people who shouldn't be in my life.
Know what I want right now? I want a whole different life.

Big city. Fast-paced. Awesome job. Great guy. Restaurant dinners.
Does anyone else ever wish for that kind of life? The Grand Life. The one where everything is perfect, and the problems which do occur can be resolved within seconds by wonderful friends.

If not that, I want a great guy. And a best friend. I know I have best friends right now. But I want the best friend I had before. The one I took advantage of. I knew how important she was to me, yet I always believed that she would be there...forever. I need to get over the past and move on, but this is one thing I regret immensely and I know that there will always be a void in my heart and my life which can only be filled by her.

I want to dance. To laugh. To scream. To run. To jump. But most of all...I want to feel.

Don't you hate it when, after days, weeks, months, years of thinking that you've left the past behind, thinking that you've started over, thinking that things are better, when all that comes and bites you right in the ass. Don't you feel like turning around and slapping that thing...that small, tiny thing which triggered your memory. I've always learned that those who forget their past are condemned to repeat it. So I try my hardest to remember, to never let go. Yet there's always one little detail i've forgetton. One tiny memory which was still buried deep inside my mind. And that memory comes back. Only this time, its not in your head. This time, that long lost memory becomes reality. You're forced to live it out again. And once that happens, everything gets repeated. And that thing you learned...to never forget, that becomes a lie. Because no matter how hard you try, the past is always repeated. Everything becomes a lie. All that you've worked so hard for. All that you believed in. It all breaks and your left with a simple truth: there is and never was any point in trying.
So, for all you people out there trying your damn hardest to start over and make things good, give up. When life hands you lemons, accept the fact that your life is going to be sour until you get some bloody sweet strawberries.

Unusual Court Sentences...

Today's Dr. Phil was about a judge-Judge Michael A. Cicconetti
He is known for his unusual sentences. Some are...


-He has ordered a man who hollered "pigs" to police officers to stand on a street corner next to a 350-pound pig with a sign that read, "This is not a police officer."

-After an 18-year-old man stole some porn from an adult bookstore, the judge ordered him to sit outside the shop in a chair, wearing a blindfold, and holding a sign saying "See No Evil" so that passing traffic could see him.

-Cicconetti punished a group of high school students who vandalized school buses by making them throw a picnic for a group of grade-school students whose outing was canceled because of the stunt.

-A nanny accused of hitting a little boy with a belt was given a folder of articles on the consequences of child abuse, and compelled to read them all, and then discuss them in the courtroom in front of the judge and the victim's mother, as spectators looked on. Afterward, the mother agreed to no jail time for the nanny.

Sometimes you just to have to let go.
No matter how hard it is.
Because when you do,
you actually have the chance to look around you
&&. realize that you can find someone better.
There's a reason the people in our past aren't in our future
&&. everything really is up to fate.
Yeah, there's memories
&&. thinking about them will always hurt but you've gotta realize they're only memories now.
Sometimes you have to accept the fact that it's just not going to happen.
Let it go &&.
you'll see that things aren't as bad as you think they are
&&. that you can live without that certain someone.
Let go &&.
you'll find there are other people who really want to love you &&. care for you.
You just have to let them.