The angrier she gets, the more ingenious she is.

Ah. I forgot to mention: Me and Kams had a talk today. After such a long time, all 4 of them asked if I was doing better. Obviously they all know that kams is the only one I'll talk to openly.

Oddly enough, she asked about my temper today. I was a bit surprised given that she always askes me about what I ate, if I ate, and if I'm going through with my appointment with Amy. The food issue has been a whole lot better, so I told her that I don't think I need Amy. She looked a bit concerned but accepted it.

Anyway, we got talking about my anger issues and she said a few good things. I love talking to her. She's so understanding and doesn't judge at all. Infact, she treats me as if I'm her own daughter.

What does corncern me is the fact that she tells the other 3 everything. I guess its procedure, but still...

It's hard not to think about what their thoughts might be. Especially when they found out about the food problem. And the home problem. And all the other shit. I know they care. And it feels nice...to a point.

I just remembered something that kams said today that really made me cringe. "I hope you know that I love you. You are such a sweet, smart girl." I smiled and thought how glad I am that she doesn't know me any better, and that I respect her enough to not show her the dumb me.

I really think the talk was one of the highlights of my day.

looks like your invitation just arrived...with strings attached. Come out come out wherever you are.

After an hour in my own bed, I got tired of crying alone and feeling like a total waste. So I went to my mom's room. 2 minutes after I got in, she got a call. Surprise Surprise. It was the boyfriend. I froze. They talked for a good hour and half. During that time, I tried my hardest not breathe. I could hear a bit of his side as well as my mother's.

At one point, he said, "too bad she's there." My mom replied by saying "Yeah I know. I'll lock my door at night now."

That got me in tears.

Many people say that she deserves love. To be happy. But I'm not used to it. Imagine never having a man in your life. Never being exposed to having to share the one person in your life who has always been there. Sure my mother hasn't been there for me in the emotional sense, but physically she always has been. To have a threat of having that taken away...

Perhaps it's also the fact that I'm never told about it.

One of my friend's doesn't understand why my mother should consult me first. According to her, it's her life and she can do whatever. To an extent that's true, but a parent brought a child into the world. The child is now their responsibility. Whatever decision the parent takes always affects the child.

I guess it's something a person needs to go through to understand. I'm sure if we had an open relationship about it from the beginning, my reaction would be different. I know tons of kids whose parent(s) are dating. But in each of those situations, the parent askes the permission of the kid first. It's how it works. Put yourself in the kid's position before you make judgements. And don't consider it from your own point of view if you have your real parents together. Because that is way different than a divorced family. I doubt it compares.

Anyway, this just ruined my night. I hate how on the rare occassion I do decide to turn to my mother for comfort, I get tossed out like last week's leftovers. Maybe I should've learned from previous encounters that turning to her usually ends up in more tears shed from me. What can I do? I'm just a dumb kid in need of some parental love now and then.

Since I doubt I'll be going to bed anytime soon, I might as well keep blogging.

Staying in tune with today's them of parents, my dad called on Saturday.

Apparently my grandma picked up since my mom was out and I was sleeping. I didn't get any of the details. Infact, no one told me about this until Sunday morning. (And it was my mom who told me, not my grandma..the one who picked up).

All I was told was that he was moving to Vancouver.

I've always seen dads with their kids and wondered how mine would've been with me. Coming home to both mom and dad. Turning to dad if I didn't get my way with mom. While growing up, I had to be content with my mom's decision. I know it wasn't too bad. I try to think of her, but what about me? I'm just the kid here. I grew up reading books about families. And all of them included a mom, dad and kid. Maybe a brother or sister.

I don't remember much about the times when I asked my mom about dad. I'm sure I did. I once heard my mom commenting on that to someone. "I used to hate when she asked me that." I would treasure all mentions of my father. A man who was supposed to be in my life from birth to his death. Instead, all I got was a dysfunctional family.

Maybe having both mom and dad wouldn't have been perfect, but I'm sure it'd be better than this. God wouldn't have made it necessary to have both if only one was sufficient, right?

I often hear kids saying, "I rather my mom and dad got divorced." I pity those people. At least at one point their father tucked them in at night. At least he was there to fill a void. And yes. There is a void. Always. No matter what one may think. If you hate your father, the one that lives with you, you'd still be lost without him. Many depend on both their parents, whether they realize it or not. When something big occurs in your life, one's first thoughts are usually, "I hope mom and dad see this."

What do I say? "I wish dad were here to see it."

I have a friend who lost her dad to cancer. People often feel sorry for her. I usually say, "At least he has a valid reason not to be with you." Better to have had and lost, then to never have had.

I usually put up an act that I don't care. How can I need someone who left me a few weeks after I was born? I've never known him. For all I know, he could've been dead.

He has 2 kids. A boy and girl. Adam and Zeenia. I dispise those two kids. They got something which was supposed to be mine. While I had one parent, they had two. While I argued about not having a real family, they took theirs for advantage.

Is my post really fair when I think about my mother? Of course not. But I'm thinking about myself. I'm thinking about those great books I used to get lost in. I'm thinking about those fantasies I used to make up about my dream life. The fantasies I still live in.

Maybe this is why I never want to get married and have children. What would I do with them? I've never seen how a wife would act. My grandma is divorced. My mom is divored. Who can I look up to? I've seen failure all my life. I don't want to be another one of them. We have enough of that in our world. As for kids. Look at what a handful I am. The pain, the suffering that every individual in this world goes through. I don't think I'd be able to see that in my children.

I know I'm acting spoiled. I should be thankful I even have a mother. It's just...call it a western girl's idiocricy.

Without you, I'm nothing

In most of my posts I talk about a "close friend." I'm going to name her Homer because she reminds me of him. ;)

Well, today she treated me to an Oilers game. My first this season. Although we lost, I still had a blast. I expected that though, because whenever me and Homer are together, we end up laughing and having the best time ever. She truly is the best. =)

Apart from the game, today was by far the best day in a very long time. I don't think I've enjoyed myself this much in a while.

I suppose it's true what they say, "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel."

Since I'm feeling a bit mushy today, I can say that Homer is my light. I have no idea how I'd get through any of this without her. (Damn am I glad I thought of a name for her, I've wanted to say that for so long LOL).

Anyway, after such a long and awesome night, I'm going to head off to bed.

-A

Fact: We all climb our way up in heels, no matter who we have to tread on to do it.

Awesome day today.

I loved it.

Repetitive History

I feel like shit. I absolutely despise when people automatically assume stuff about me. I've changed, or so I'd like to belief. I won't purposely get people in shit from my other friends. Nor will I hate my last name because of some guy. I have my own opinions and morals.

And lastly, I don't involve friends on purpose. They get involved on their own.

Dear Lord. So tired of this. I think I'm going to screw studying and just go to bed. No point in even trying.

The Kite Runner

There was a book discussion on the Kite Runner at HQ khane. Since I couldn't make it, I decided to post my opinion on the book.

It was a beautifully told novel. I believe it touched many people's hearts because a lot of its themes could be related to the average person.
I'll touch upon a few of those themes.

Firstly, guilt played a huge part in the novel. The main character,Amir, was a boy who was guilty of many things. The main thing that plagued his heart was the events he witnessed his childhood friend, Hassan, go through. Rape and betrayal were two of the many things that Hassan endured. The worst betrayal was from Amir.

This type of guilt plagues a lot of us. We are usually found abandoning a friend in times of need. In order to save ourselves, we ruin other people. Years later, we remember those we left, and often find ourselves wondering how their lives turned out. 9/10 times, we ourselves lead perfect lives. We have little to worry about, compared to the dreadful lives of others.

The second theme in this novel was of friendship. We often find ourselves giving up everything for a friend. This is was Hassan did. He was loyal to Amir through everything. When Amir hurt Hassan in the worst possible way, Hassan still kept his mouth and heart shut. He loved Amir no matter what.

A lot of us crave for love like that. And when we have it, we take advantage of it, just like Amir did.

The third theme was one of a father/son relationship. Amir craved for his father's approval, much like we do with certain people. Although Amir and his father were always together, they didn't have the sort of bond that either wanted. They both expected different things from one another, and often blamed themselves for the other's shortcomings.

And finally, redemption. Late in the book, Amir did his best to right his past wrongs. Taking Hassan's son, Sohrab, under his wing, he learned to love the boy like he couldn't with Hassan. Amir learned from his past mistakes and had a second chance with Sohrab.

Redemption touched every one's heart the most. We all want a second chance to right our wrongs. To see or read about a happy ending gives us hope for our own lives, and after all, that is why many of us love books, right? It's an escape from reality. However, this book wasn't a real escape from reality. It was an escape from our reality, and into someone else's.

Dear Reader

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Math Exam=Tomorrow

So far I've studied for an hour and 20min. Planning on doing more later on tonight. I'll need all the luck I can get.

You're a nobody Until you're talked about

Overall a fabulous day.

Woke up a bit too early, tummy was still hurting. Ended up going to timmys (they need to be a bit faster). I've had a headache all day. I honestly have no idea what's wrong with my head. For the past few weeks, I get sudden episodes of throbbing pain. It's usually on the right side of my forehead. But lately it's been moving to the left side.

Hopefully it's a brain tumor. ;)
I have ALWAYS wanted to be really sick. The you-need-to-be-in-the-hospital kind of sick. LOL.

P.S. That ass keeps talking about me!

A little luck For the unlucky

I was in the bathroom when I looked on the floor and saw a $20 bill. I examined it, thinking it was a figment of my imagination. Halleluyah! I'm $20 richer. Just when I was broke as hell.

I bet it was my money though. Since only my aunt and I use that bathroom. LOL

I won't cry Wolf

Weak and tired.

Like I wrote in my last post, I woke up with terrible cramps. I went to work, and was in so much pain. I could barely move or talk. I was weak and almost fainted. Thankfully, I was allowed to go home at 330. Went to bed at 3:40 and woke up at 6. It still hurts, but a bit bearable.

All I want to do is eat and go back to bed, but mother hasn't even started cooking. She said it'll take about an hour and half. Argh.

Overall, I had a pretty good day. Surprisingly, I'm actually looking foward to tomorrow.

...

Killer cramps + work = worst day.

Cinderella stepping onto a pumpkin instead of her carriage

I want to be able to have a bad day and have someone there at the end.

I don't mind being there for people, but sometimes, I'd like to be selfish and have a me day. I know it sounds wrong. It feels like I'm trying to stop others from having the right to bad days.

I guess you could say I'm pretty messed up.

Let's catch up. Take our clothes off. Stare at each other.

A great appetite...For destruction

What a long day.

Woke up at 9, because mother said we're going for breakfast. Turns out that she was gone at 8:30. I was pissed off. I called her, bitched, and hung up without listening to her side. Made me feel better.

Went to work at 11:50. Got picked up at 8, and dropped my grandma home. My mom said me and her were going out somewhere. Ended up going to her friend's house, whose neice was over (absolutely detest her). Anyway, we played cards for 2 hours and now I'm finally home.

I'm exhausted, frsutrated, and extremely bitchy.

Work was ... odd. All of the girls who work there are either extremely skinny or average. None can be considered anything remotely close to "fat."

Well, this one girl, S, states that she's on a diet because her parents want her to be. She said that they call her fat and ugly. Other workers heard it-men and women-and commented on how they need to go on diets as well. A few even said that since the diets don't work, they want to try other methods.

I spent 15min with each person. Eventually, a few agreed that their weight is fine. That still didn't satisfy me though.

What exactly is it with people and their looks? Does it honestly matter that much?

Speaking of...there's a guy at work who gets picked on a lot. He talks to everyone, but a few times in a conversation, people end up teasing him. You can see his face fall every time. As self defense, he tries to talk back. It never works. However, he usually comes back and apologizes.

Today, he came up to a few of us girls and said "Hey, I'm sorry for everything I said today." I gave him a weird look and asked why he was apologizing. "Because I don't want to seem like a jerk." I reminded him that people treat him worse than he treats them. He looked at me, then shrugged. I told him to be more confident in himself and never to apologize for things he meant, because people will only treat you the way you treat yourself.

Are body image and the want to please others really that important? Why can't we focus on what's really important: pleasing ourselves.

In order to please others, you yourself need to be happy. Your weight and looks are just like money. One day you have it, the next you don't.

I personally would rather be chubby. It's a sign of being healthy. It's a way of showing the world that you don't need to have the "ideal" look to fit in. Infact, what exactly is the ideal look? We all want to be something we're not. So, if none of us are happy with our looks, who exactly do we want to be like? Pictures that are photo-shopped? None of that is real. Even those who actualy do look like that aren't satisfied.

We are all afraid. Afraid of not meeting certain criterias. Not getting into university, not getting a good job, being alone all our lives, afraid of not fitting in, and of looking different.

What happened to being unique? What happened to learning that every individual in this world is different? We all have different genes and DNAs, so how exactly can we look "perfect." We live with what we have. And love it.

Speak of the Devil and he doth appear

I'm so frustrated right now. I just want to punch something. Hurt it. Take my anger out. It'll probably be best if I went to bed.

I had a bottle of water. It woke me up. It seems that every Friday night I become really frustrated and angry for no reason. A bit odd.

The faster you rise, The harder you fall

So tired. Just came back from khane. Apparently it was post-sec day and there was food. A friend and I ended up sitting and eating. At the same time, we made up "stories" about my little cousins and a cute little boy. (Yes we were bored, but highly amused).

All I want to do right now is go to bed. I have no idea why I'm feeling a bit down. I shouldn't be. Especially after the awesome day I had. Maybe the high of today is finally fading.

Well, I've officially spent all my money. I have maybe $10 left. And I need to save that for lunch next week. Gord! Can't wait until Friday. I really need to fix up or make a new resume so I can give it to someone I know. He said he'll get me a job at the call-center. Better pay and hours than here.

My drowsiness might have something to do with dehydration. I've barely been drinking water.

I realy don't want to go to work tomorrow. 8 hours of hell. I hope I'm not working on Sunday. But at the same time, I hope I am. I really do need the money. Argh.

Maybe I'll head to bed. Or drink some water to wake me up. =)

Can you say: Hypocrite

I love how hypocritic people can be. (Is that even a word?)

Usually when you're arguing online, one person says "Stop replying to me." However, why is that they never do the same? Why can't it be them who stops replying? If they don't want to talk, no one's forcing them to.

Pathetic.

An eye for a lie

Another good day.

Went to school smiling, came back grinning. LOl
Lunch was spent at the library studying for a chem exam. I think I did alright. I'm sure I did way better on my math exam though.

As for the psych project I was getting excited about, well, I didn't get to present because my group members didn't show up. If I had done it by myself, I would've had less time to present. Considering how long my presentation is, I decided to wait until Tuesday.

On a brighter note: My status on Facebook is: Alishah thinks its pretty pathetic how you're trying to make me jealous. H commented on my wall calling me pathetic and I immediately called her on it. If she assumes, it's got to mean that she actually was doing it.

I adore people. They're too funny.

As for me "strutting my stuff," I did something better. I talked to all her friends, causing the attention to move from her to moi. Oh, the joys of being a bitch in training. LOL.

Even if it's just for a while, You make me smile

I can't believe how happy I am. I'm still a bit awed by that.

Well, I finally finished my psychology project. I'm actually quite proud of it. I hope it turns out OK. I was partnered with 2 other people, and as usual I ended up doing the whole thing on my own. For some reason, I can never trust other people with projects. This way, if I do badly, I have no one to blame but myself.

It took me approx 2 hours to complete. Now...If only I had brought home my chemistry and math books home. I have unit exams in both subjects tomorrow. Oops.

Did I mention I bought a beautiful red robe yesterday? I've had my eye on it for a while, and being extremely blah yesterday, I decided to treat myself. It is so soft and cuddly. And long. Just the way I wanted it. Plus. It matches with my slippers. And my nails (both finger and toe) LOL.

Prohibition never stood a chance against Exhibition

Overall it was quite a good day.

Got to school and had the urge to do my psych proj. So off I went to the library. Well, I did a lot of my proj, but I also ended up blogging. (I don't think I can ever get tired of that LOL).

First period went by pretty smoothly. I spent the whole class immersed in my magazine.
Second period however was when I started getting a headache. (Bet you all know what's coming up). I took a half a pill. 5minutes later, I took the other half. 20min later, I took a second pill. 10 minutes I took a third pill. 5minutes before class ended, I took my forth and last pill of the day.

Know what's scarier? I don't know what those pills were. Whatever it was, it made me shaky and a bit tired. (Even though it said non drowsy).

Well, 3rd period, as was my plan, I skipped with a friend. I called my mom at lunch but I guess she was busy. I left a message telling her that I needed a break. I called back when 3rd period was over and this time she picked up. She sounded a bit disappointed, but I guess this time she understood. Especially given that she knows everything that's going on.

In regards to that, today I decided to be a complete bitch to H. When I saw her in the hallways, I would roll my eyes in front of her. I flirted with one of her best guy friends. And basically strutted my shit. (Might I mention I got checked out quite a few times today....Oh dear. Here comes my ego LOL).

Well, it worked. Last time I saw her, she looked pissed. =D And what's even better is that I felt good about it. Guess sometimes it's good to use your ego.

There's a weak link in every chain

...And it's just a matter of time before this one snaps.

The day has offically begun and I can't stop thinking about what'll happen today. I know for a fact that I'll be in shit when I get home, if I do decide to skip. (Which I'll have since I never finished my project.) I could always wing it, but I rather not. I'm sure I'll get too emotional.

I got a ride from mom this morning and the whole way through I was silently praying that she would say something. I really wanted to hear something encouraging today. Anything actually. My day started off with silence, I hope it doesn't stay that way. I don't think I could handle another day of this.

Perfect

Way to make me feel shittier. And angry.
=)

You can't save a damsel If she loves her distress

It's 11:30 and I'm nowhere close to being tired. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Being on the computer at least gives me the notion that I'm not alone. Going to bed, well let's just say that being alone the whole day gets tiring.

I miss being a dumb teenager. Who am I kidding? I'm still as dumb as ever. lol.

Alright. I'm going to go read a book or something. =)

Yuuummm Chocolateee

I've stooped so low as to drink chocolate syrup...plain.

I have plenty of chocolate in my room...it's just too far away.

Forever

Great. The waterworks started again. Not that they stopped.
I really should do my English project, but I just don't know what to do. I know that if I go to my room, I'll end up bawling. Right now, my blog is the only thing keeping me sane.

I keep wondering about the future. When and if I ever have children. I wonder if I'll ever let them read my blog. I'm sure I will. I think I'd like them knowing about me. I've always wanted to know about my mom. She barely remembers her childhood. Although, sometimes she does say that it was a lot like mine. Makes me sad. She's a lonely, sad woman now. If she went through many of the same things and still didn't end up happy, then what are the chances for me?

In fact I was just talking to a friend when she said, "We got through so much (you n I), we're so young, but its best to go through this now, then later- when we will actually have lives- and we'll have the experience to back up our wisdom."

It reminded me of something I used to live by. "God doesn't give you pain your whole life. If you're sad now, you'll be happy later." I made that up when I was about 10. It's now been 6 years since that and I can't help but feel pessimistic.

Genie and Princess

I don't have the energy to get up and walk to my room. I like it here. I like staying in one position. I guess I think that if I move, something else might go wrong.

I honestly didn't expect this between me and H. Everything that happened with me and her in the last couple of days was the same thing that happened with me and M.

What did I expect though? If my own father could walk out on me, why should I expect anyhing more from someone else.

I was in my room a few minutes ago, and my mom walked in. When she was leaving I whispered "I don't want to leave the house tomorrow." She just stopped and sighed. I feel bad for telling her about all this. I just...I needed someone. I wish we were closer.

I can barely type. My eyes are still watering. I don't remember crying this much since her.

I wish I could run away. Happily Ever After sounds like a wonderful place. If only I were a princess...with a genie.

Why Why Why...

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Close my eyes And never wake up.

It wasn't that bad. Way better than the message I got when I got home.

Ironically, just this afternoon, I was thinking of how M told me to take our pic off my page. I thought of how odd it would be if H told me the same thing. Surprise Surprise! I got home to just that. "Take my picture off your page."

Ok. Done. Anything else for you?

*sigh* I don't want to go to school. 3 days is enough. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm...I'm done. I hate this more than anything.

There honestly is no point in making new friends if this is going to happen every year. My resolution: Don't make friends.

It'll save me the heartache. And knowing how pathetic I truly am.

I feel empty. My chest still hurts. Half the time, I'm staring at things with a blank mind. I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am. I just want a new life. This one hurts. I'm weak. I can't handle this. It's just not fair.

Lately, I've been craving hugs like crazy. I...Sometimes I just want to know that I'm needed by someone. I want to cry with someone. I'm tired of being alone. Even with people, I feel so alone. A constant ache.

Please. Just take me home. I'm ready now.

Dear God

I wish today weren't a big day. I just want to go to bed. I can't deal with this as well.

Dear God,

Make it disappear.

Love, Me.

Beggars can't be Picky

Could I just give up now? What more do I have to lose?

P.S. I really don't think this night is going to be any fun. Far from it from the way it has already started.

Can't wait to blog in a few hours when I'm back from khane. I'm sure I'll really need to vent.

=(

My heart hurts.

Joy to the World

I am broke. I got my check yesterday. Today at lunch, I went shopping because I had nothing to do. I spent $40 on presents and $30 on myself. The rest of the money...went God knows where. LOl.

Overall a pretty good day. I was happy most of the time. Obviously there were a few times when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry.Oh well. I guess everyone has those moments. And if I don't have one of those moments at least once a day, my day isn't complete. lol

I'm kind of excited for tonight. I feel like being around people today.

Nitez

Ok. I miss her. I regret what I said. I knew she had good intentions. I was just...I didn't want things to turn out the way they did. I guess it was inevitable. Well, I've been on the comp just for her and no sign of her signing on. Guess I'll go to bed. Had a late night yesterday. Need to be fresh for tomorrow. Joy.

Just not Ready

I'm exhausted.

Today was an alright day. I've found a correlation between losing people and my fear of dogs. I have been so fidgety the last 2 days. This morning, while waiting for the bus, a boy walked up behind me and I jumped and ran to the lady in front of me. Waking to the mall from school, I heard something that sounded like a dog, and I got panicky and ran to the entrance. This kept happening. And I hate it. Perhaps it had to do with being afraid that if I can't get through a relationship, what are the chances of me overcoming my phobia? I guess one failure leads to another.

Onto another topic: The season premiere of One Tree Hill was on, and so was the last episode of Gossip Girl (at least until the strike is over). Both those shows showed unhappy endings. OTH started 4 years after the last season ended. The main characters all ended up successful, but none were happy. There was always something missing. In GG, a scandal causes break ups, and one of the main character, S tried to run away. That is, until her best friend, B, stopped her. That said a lot. Especially considering that S was a bitch to B.

I guess both shows showed that no matter how great things are, something will usually ruin it. However, things always end up better. Like a famous quotation says, "if it's not a happy ending, it's not over."

tres épouvantable [tres horrible]

Kaayy really nervous for tomorrow. All this proves that I'm a horrible person.
Thank you for pointing it out.
=)

P.S. We won 4-0 against the Islanders. =)

P.P.S. She says she's "freed." Would that mean that she's been waiting for this? I never forced her to stay friends with me. I can't be that bad that people say they're freed once we stop talking...or can I be? God. I just...I was hoping this year could be different.

Could we start over? Pretend we live in a perfect world with perfect people. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of acting as if none of this affects me. I'm tired. Just. Plain. Tired.

ouch?

This is when you know that you're loved:
I am gonna be flat out honest i don't even wanna see you in school tomorrow

Anyone have a hole I can crawl into? You can cover it up just as soon as I make sure there's no way to get out.

where's home?

There. As usual. I apologized.
Pathetic how I'm always the one to apologize, and I usually get shit said back to me in return. It makes me feel low. Who am I kidding? I'm the lowest of the low.

I hate going khane, I dread school as if it were the plague, and just thinking about going home gives me shivers.

I just want to find a place where I belong. Is that too much to ask for?

just breathe

A bit too emotional right now.

Doesn't help at all that the movie my grandma is watching is playing an extremely sad song. The movie is about an autistic boy. No one understands him and are always yelling at him. Eventually, his father sends him to boarding school. This is when the song starts. They boy sings about his mother. How much he misses her. How he wishes she knew how he understands what people say about him and he sucks it up and acts like nothing bothers him. How he cries wishing she would hug him and never let him go, but he never shows anyone those tears. the song is basically about the relationship between him and his mother.

Quite sad. I'm not looking forward to watching the rest of the movie.

me me meeee

I don't like people getting involved in my shit. I expect them to learn from the first time they did that. I wouldn't want a third party involved. No one likes it. My shit. I deal with it.

Only a lonely man is afraid of isolation.

First day back was shitty (as I expected it to be...well OK not really, but I was somewhat prepared for a lousy day). The first part of the morning went alright. Turns out that my social teacher is having complications with her pregnancy and can't come back to teach. Poor lady.

Well, after 2nd, I went to my locker and S was standing there. I asked if she was coming to lunch with me and H. She gave me a weird look and said "Me and H are going." I shrugged my shoulders and went to go look for other people to chill with (thankfully I made friends the last week before break).

After lunch, I figured H would be at our lockers since she always walks me to my class (She has a spare 3rd block). She wasn't there. Instead I saw A at school, standing at the doors near my locker. She smirked at me. I turned around and walked away. In the back of my mind, I knew that A and H would end up together. I was right.

After 3rd block was over, I saw H and A near my locker. I said hi to H and didn't get a response back. Instead, she looked at me, looked back at A and laughed. Hm. Nothing new there. Where A is, my misery follows. I went to fourth thinking how unlucky of a person I must be.

If you think about it, it's true isn't is? Every year since 2004 I have lost someone in January. It's obvious that this month is the least luckiest for me. Thank God someone always comes to the rescue. I guess The Big Guy never leaves anyone alone.

I just...I wish there was one year where I wouldn't lose anyone. I'm tired of it. I know I'm not a good friend, much less a good person. But could I honestly be that bad to be losing so many people? I've often heard that it's my fault. That I really am a horrible person. If so, maybe God can make me a better person. Or at least lead the road to becoming a better a person. I'll work on it, I promise I will. I just need to know what I'm doing wrong.

With this relationship-the one with H, I was extra careful. I expressed my gratitude almost every day. I made sure to let her know how much she meant to me. I apologized for all my stupid behaviors.

*sigh* I guess some things in life aren't meant to be. I didn't need any of them anyway. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll start to believe it.

blahhh blahh blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just came home from a friend's house (damn really need to come up with a name for her). Anyway, she had a family get-together last night and I ended up sleeping over.
Quite a fun night.

I was a bit put off this morning though. No idea why. Bad memories perhaps. I really miss her. I feel like an idiot for letting the opportunity pass a few days ago. I could've talked to her, found out how she is. Instead, I opted to being a coward and ignored her. Can you say DUMB?

Whatever. Gotta let that go. Don't you hate how some memories come at the least wanted times. Hmph.

Yesterday I went to my uncle's apartment. It is absolutely gorgeous. He took us out for dinner but we all had dnner plans. Hence we ended up eating appetizers. I had 3 chicken wings, a few fries, and a mini burger (1/4 of it). At my friend's house, I ate a small portion of rice and curry.

That was my meal for the whole day yesterday, plus this morning. Today, at around 3:30ish, I had fish and fries. Half of which is still uneaten.

I feel so full. And tired. I have absolutely no energy.

School starts tomorrow and I'm so not ready for it. I haven't even started on my homework. I don't think I'll be doing it tonight. Whatever. First day back, teachers will understand. =)

Telll me its all going to be ok

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I have no idea why. I just...I have a feeling something is going to go wrong.

It's probably just me. I can't sleep. I can't cry. I don't even think I can feel. I just feel so empty, yet at the same time, so overwhelmed.

I'm pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. And stupid. Did I mention crazy? Yeah. I'm crazy as well.

run awayyyy

Wish a scream would make everything better. I don't know what I'm feeling. I want to cry. But I don't even have enough energy for that. I just...I need a hug. Better yet, a day away from reality.

Burn in Flames

Feels like years since I last posted. I've been so tired and weak. Doesn't help that I've been pigging out like a pig. Just so nervous.

She's in town and I can't help but be fidgety. When I saw her first, I just walked away. Ended up sucking it up and couldn't run when we bumped into each other. Stupid me didn't say a word. Not even hi. I just hugged her and stood there like a baboon. Honestly. I feel so stupid. I've been waiting years to talk to her again, and now that I have the chance, I'm bloody scared. We're both just so different. Didn't fail to notice that her and my aunt are inseperable again. Hmph.


Perhaps I've moved on. I hope so.

As for food. I've been so nervous, thinking that she'll pop out anytime, that I've been filling myself with food every chance I get. I even ended up baking a cake yesterday. I feel sick eating so much, especially after practically starving myself for 2 weeks.

I can barely remember everything I ate. I just know that it was mostly junk (no surprise there).

Well, 3 more days until school starts again. I still have 2 projects to do. I haven't even started them yet. I'm obviously the queen of procrastination. [ROLLEYES]

Just the thought of going back to school is making me fidgety. I don't want to go through that again. Last week before break was bad enough.

I feel so weak. I can't face school. I couldn't face new years. And I couldn't face her. To top it off, I can't stop eating. No wonder I'm gaining weight like crazy.

Another year...joy.

I've never understood what's so happy about new years. It's just another day. What exactly are we celebrating? Getting through the year? Growing up and being able to face another year? What about those who want to do neither? Do we say Sad New Year? Pathetic New Year? Another New Year?

First post of 2008 and all I can do is wallow in my own self pity. I'm pathetic. Let's just blame it on the hunger. Still haven't eaten anything. ARGH.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

New Year's Eve

So, here I am on New Year's Eve. At home. Despite my want to go to the New Years party, I still ended up at home.

The day started out bad. Woke up early because a friend and I had plans to go help set up for tonight. The second I got out of my room, I got bombarded with comments such as, "Why do you want to go with her? Just come with us," "She won't come. You'll be bored there," ect.

Well, they were right, I didn't end up going. Not too bummed about that. However, the rest of the day was spent worrying about my friend. Is she alright? Would we make it tonight? Will this ruin the whole night?

Like you know from my previous posts, I was extremely anxious about tonight. I dreaded it, but at the same time, I was a bit excited. I wanted to get dressed up. I wanted to dance. I wanted to joke around and have fun. Still, a bigger part of me was scared that like every other year, I'd be disappointed today.

Having my friend complain and put doubts in my mind didn't quite help. I know it sounds selfish. She has a right to have a bad day. I guess I was so lost in my own problems and worries that I couldn't see how badly it was affecting both me and her.

As always, I fucked this day up. At 5:30ish, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:45ish from a wonderful dream. In it, I had the best New Year's ever. Keeping that in mind, I silently said a prayer and went to the computer. I said to myself, if I get a reply in 5minutes, that means I'll have a good time if I go. If not, then I'll stay home.

Just my luck, my friend was busy and couldn't answer. I took it as a sign that it was best if I stayed home. Hence, I went off to my bed again. Ended up drenching myself and my pillow.

I cried...because I wanted to go. Because I was a coward who couldn't stand the thought of rejection-in any way. I cried because of my awful luck. My stupidity. My lonliness. My past. My future. You know...when you start with one thing, you end up with a million.

Well. It's now 10pm. 2 more hours. I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. Hopefully I wont wake up tomorrow. I know that a certain friend will love to rub in all the events of tonight. I rather not feel any worse than I already do.

Funny how I already have another fear-the disappointment I'll be feeling when I get the details of tonight.

I've never before had to worry about that. I just have a feeling that she'll be quite upset, as she should be. I not only let myself down, but her as well.

Btw: My meal today: 1 orange.

Kind of hungry. Don't have any energy to cook up something. meh. There's always tomorrow. (Unfortunately)

I don't want to be alone in a crowd.

Purrrrrfect day.

I hate this day. I feel like shit. Been dressed since 9 in the morning. Whatever. I don't mind that. I just. Fuck. I can't even explain this.
I feel disappointed, scared, lonely, frustrated and guilty.


Time to write on my other blog. =)

My meals today:
Breakfast at 1030--1 piece of pizza
Snack at 1100--3 oranges
1120--2 chocolate bars
345--huge plate of rice and chicken

I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much. I now have the worst back and side pain. I can't sit, stand, turn, or any sort of movement.

To top it off, I dreading tomorrow so much. I don't want to go anywhere on New Years. I'm so nervous. I know it sounds crazy. I wish I knew how to describe what I'm feeling.

Argh. Another year...and I'm in the same place I always am. Just once...I want things to be different.

stupid me

Stupid stupid stupid me.
I actually thought that I'd be able to eat a medium sized pizza. Been craving stuffed crust pizza for weeks now. So tonight I finally decided to order it. I barely ate all day, so I figured I'd be hungry enough to eat at least half the box.

Dun dun dun. Full after half a piece. Bummer. Pizza taste awesome. And...I think I'm still hungry, but I know if I eat even a bite more, I'll end up being sick.

You have no idea how much it's bugging me. I used to be able to eat 2 large boxes of pizza in one sitting, and now, I can barely eat one piece.

I'm so tired of this. I want to eat normally. The way I used to.
My meals today:

3:30-5 perogies
11:50-1 piece of pizza

It's pathetic. I used to eat 4 maybe 5 meals a day. And they were huge. I can't find a reason to it. I know its not because I think I'm fat. If that were the case, I'd eat healthy and watch my calories and whatnot. I just can't eat too much. And I barely get hungry.

I just want this to stop.

So much for going out today. Mother left at 8am with her friend. I called her and she said "I won't be home till the evening." Hmph.
Old Hag is going out with her sister. Sooo...I'm left. Alone. Again.
Better than being with those two I guess. =)

Is it so wrong for me to not want to be alone? I've practically been begging people to do something with me. Even a walk wouldn't be bad (however much I detest them). God. Today's been the worst day.

I'm just a kid. I want to live my life as one. Why is it so hard? Where's the off button when you need it?

If God's so merciful, then why won't He take me home? I'm sure that place wouldn't be too bad.
Just. So. Tired.

Even books aren't taking my mind off things.

Arrgghh

Just not fair! I feel like screaming and crying at the same time. Seeeeeeeee. Not even December 31st and it's already starting.

I'm going to bed. Nothing better to do. Maybe I can hide in my dreams. They've got to be better than reality...right?
Oh who am I kidding? My dreams are usually worse.

Tomorrow, I for sure am going to do something. Perhaps I'll ask mother to drop me off at the mall and pick me up in the evening. I hate being home. I feel like I'm suffocating in here. It's winter break and all I do is stay at home. Pathetic really. Like mother like daughter? Seems that'll be my life.

blahhhh

So exhausted.
Grandma made fish and fries for me and my uncle. I ended up taking 3 bites and was full. I'm really not used to eating too much. I forced myself to eat more because my uncle kept giving me weird looks and said he wouldn't leave until I ate. So I ate a few more bites.

That was at 2. It's now 5:20 and I'm still really full.

Been watching Hannah Montana and Fresh Prince all day. Thinking about going khane but don't really feel like it. I know I should since I haven't gone for days. Just don't feel like doing anything.

So nervous.
Keep getting a weird feeling. For the past few days. Maybe its just nerves since new years is coming up.

I can't even write. =(

I'm Fine-MJB

This song reminds me of myself and a close friend. ;)

Benazir Bhutto

RIP

I remember learning about this lady from my great-uncle. He used to adore her. Believed that she would bring the change that is very much needed in Pakistan. It wasn't only him who had such hope, thousands of people believed so as well.
However, like every hopeful thing in this world, this light had opponents as well. And this is what caused the downfall of such a brave woman.

This woman went against her religion. Instead she followed her own beliefs and stood up for them. Being a woman in her region, that is something which is very difficult to do.

We've all heard of the harsh laws and beliefs of the people in the East. One of the things they oppose most is the role of women. According to them, women shouldn't hold any roles and do as the men say. Bhutto went against that and tried her hardest to bring democracy and peace in Pakistan.

This woman won't be forgotten. She'll live to be a role model for many young ladies and hopefully one day, another Bhutto will be born.

I couldn't fall asleep at 3, so I ended up staying awake in room listening to the radio. They're playing the same thing over and over again. Got tired of that. So went to go shower. Wasted about an hour in there.

It's now 5pm and I'm going back to my room. I wish places were open. A restaurant should be right?? I should call for delivery. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm eating their food. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

People were right. They don't care. Dumb me and my silly kid ideas.

Happy Christmas

Never had such an eventful day.
Woke up at 8, went on the comp for 30min. Wrote on blog, messaged a few people. Then went to my room and finished my book.

At 9:20 I went back to bed and woke up again at 12. Looked at the time, and went back to bed.

It's now 240 and all I want to do is go back to bed. Even sleeping is hard. I keep reliving all the crapy days of my life.

I don't remember ever feeling this alone and unwanted.
Haven't eaten a proper meal since the 15th. Haven't eaten anything in 2 days. I'm not even hungry. Perhaps my time is coming up.

LMAO. That was a good joke. The day God calls me back will be the day there's going to be world peace. Exactly. Never going to happen.

Fuck. I apologize for being so blah. I guess I'm going to go back to bed.

Wake me up when it's all over.

Woke up this morning reliving most of my recent new year celebrations.

There was one year where 8 of my friends went to a sleepover without inviting me. That was the year that I lost them all. After a while, I figured out why I wasn't invited: the father of one of my friend's didn't like me.

Then there was the year where I stayed home so I could talk to my friend the whole night (she wasn't allowed to go anywhere). The night ended up in us in a permanent fight. Did I mention that we were friends for 6 years.

Then came the year where I went to a Eid/New Year's party. I spent the whole night being tormented by people. They laughed at me, made fun of me, and so I ended up hiding out with my mother, who ignored me for her boyfriend.

One year, I spent it at my house with one of my friends. Two days later, we stopped talking.

Wow. Basically, all my new years have been crappy. Can't wait for this one. I think I've already lost one friend. I don't want to lose another. I wish I could explain how nervous I've been. Since December started, I've wanted to hide away and never come out.

the taste of freedom...the life i used to know

Often, in hopes of something better, we fail to see what's right infront of our eyes. We are usually so engrossed in trying to get the "perfect" life. The perfect man. The perfect house. The perfect outfit. What we fail to understand is that there is no such thing as perfect. We just need to take what we have and make the best of it, before its too late. And it usually will be. Because in order to understand that, we usually need to lose something "perfect."

All my life I've been running. Running from my friends, my family, my dreams, myself. Running, and hoping to find my perfect life. The life I see many others living. But that's just the thing. Everything looks so much better from the outside. No one looks deeper when the outside looks so beautiful. We live a life full of expectations. Yet, we fail to fulfill our own needs. Better yet, we fail to figure out what it is that we need. So, I guess we all need to stop running and enjoy what we have. Because sometimes, what may be hell for you, could be heaven for someone else.

Fake it

I wrote this a few days ago, changed a few things and here it is:

I don't do half relationships. Not anymore. I hate the feeling it gives you. So, the second that a relationship goes anywhere close to dying, I back away. Sometimes it might be fixed, but my attitude and feelings toward the person doesn't change much. I'll suck things up for the sake of the other person, and let fate decide the rest.

Sounds shitty doesn't it? It works. Plus, it's quite surprising how many people actually fake things like that.

If I could, I'd roll my eyes and never stop. People are pathetic.
=)

and its all just words anyway

It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture, all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones who run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves.

=D

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave Barry

blah blah blah are we done yet?

Terribly tired. Can't sleep.
I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to stay home. Praying like crazy that I get a doc's appoin. Then I'll probably chill at the mall or something. Maybe go watch a movie. Ooohh. Yeah that sounds awesome. A movie. Lord knows how much I adore movies. LOL.

I feel so empty right now. And emotional. But the emotional part is a daily occurance. One would think that I'd be used to it by now.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I just watched Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. And it got me wondering: What exactly is my comfort food? I've noticed that I don't eat as much when I'm stresed or blah. I used to be an emotional eater...what happened?

Xmass

Absolutely loved the movie Recipe for a Perfect Christmas. It was sad, cute, and funny. A perfect combo in my eyes.
Although, it makes me feel even lonlier than I felt before. Pathetic isn't it?

Meh. Guess I'll go about it the old fashioned way-wait for the "perfect man." Or better yet, the "next man."

Tired.
Making new blog. =)

Eid Mubarak.

I had such a good idea for a blog post, but unfortunately, I forgot it. -_-
Hm. Anyway. What is it about hurting a person which brings so much satisfaction? Today, mother and I went to Walmart to get her car fixed and while we were waiting I saw Cinderella 2 and 3. I got super excited because I've been looking for those dvds for months now. Mom laughed and walked away. I told her, "you should've got me that for my birthday." She said, "every time I asked you what you wanted, you'd say nothing or say you wanted books." This started a fight (yep right in Walmart). I started bitching and asked why I never got what I wanted (books). I said, "If I couldn't get the books, what makes you think I would've got the dvds." Which soon led to, "You're my mother, you should know what I want. I know most of what you'd like."

Seeing her in pain made me happy. I know it sounds sick and low, but getting my anger out felt good. But at the same time, I felt bad. Because she keeps complaining about lack of money.

By the time mother and I got back in the car, I was pissed again. She actually had the audicity to decline my request of getting the dvds, which were $50 together, and instead she booked an appoinment to get her hair done. Which, might I mention, costs approx $120, and she last got it done first week of December. I haven't gotten my hair done in over 7 months. She promised to let me get it done for my birthday. Infact, she's promised a lot. Maybe I should listen to my friend when she says, "Don't expect anything from anyone."

Maybe I will go to school on Friday. Hell. Maybe I'll go to school tmr as well. Been home with them for less than 5min and I'm already crying. God. Imagine the weeks of winter break. I'll be in bed the whole time.
They frustrate me so much. I don't even talk to them and they do something to piss me off. Fuck.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I know that if I don't go tomorrow than I'll have to go on Friday. I rather miss Thursday and Friday, then just start my winter break.

I don't know what it is about being alone that frightens me so much. I don't mind being alone at the theatres, or at a restaurant, but there are some places where being alone is so hard.

My school plays Christmas songs during the breaks. My favorite songs. Yet, I'm usually in class by then so I don't get to hear it. Sucks doesn't it. When you don't have anyone to share special, stupid times with. Maybe thats why people get married. To have security. To know that there will be someone at your side at all times. Perhaps I was being too selfish when I stopped my mom from getting married all those times. It's not like any of them were good men though.

I hate how I'm always feeling so guilty. -_- No matter what it is, the guilt is always there. *sigh* Just one more thing I have to work on I guess.

What is it about a 'thank you' that makes most people feel so warm??
With me, those words make me feel guilty. What I do, or say, are things that are really minor and feel like nothing to me. So when someone thanks me for doing something like that, it makes me wonder if they actually meant it. Guilt as well because I myself barely show my appreciation. I wasn't taught to do it. From a young age, words like thank you, please, and sorry weren't taught to me. They weren't a daily occurance. So when someone says any of the above to me, I feel...small.

Today, two people thanked me for being there for them. Yet when I think about it, I feel like I didn't do anything. It felt like nothing to me. I know that sometimes even the small things might mean a lot to someone, but its difficult to accept that I could do something nice.

Gord. I don't even know how to explain it without feeling like I'm repeating the same things.

Going back to one of the people who thanked me. Her precise words were: Thank you. I was confused and asked what for. Her reply was: "For being there today. Just like you always used to be"
This girl and I have barely spoken for years. And hearing her say something like that, it reminded me of something someone else said to me recently. "I miss who you were. You were the best friend a person could have. Where did that fun Alishah go?"

I'd like to think I haven't changed that much. But I can't be sure about that. I can't remember who I was (like I've mentioned in my earlier posts). Scary isn't it? Forgetting yourself.

Computer Aids

My computer has aids. -_- Last night it kept shutting off, which made me really frustrated considering I was trying to have a convo. =(
Anyway, this may be one of my last posts in a while. Gotta try to get my comp fixed. Gord knows how I'm going to do that.

Grandma dearest decided to watch my fav soap with me. It made me so mad. But I controlled my anger (yeah first time ever), and I let her watch. (I can't even write cause she's near me. Just the site of her makes my blood boil. I know I'm being rude but I'm extremely picky with the people I'm around. I have half a mind to grab the glass in my hand and throw it at her. I've been having these thoughts a lot today. Wanting to hurt someone, physically. It sounds so tempting.

Anyway. Today was another day spent alone. Joy. One more day of this torture. Know what's worse? Coming home and being alone...AGAIN. I only need a day or two off from people, not a whole week. Argh. My plan is to stay home on Thursday because of Eid and to stay home on Friday because I'm going to be "sick." LOL.

Fear...?

While talking to a friend about New Years plans, she said this: I think you have a fear of abandonment that resonates from the time of childhood- starting with the abandonment of your Father...throughout the years that fear has been re-enforced by the loss of friends...This fear of abandonment causes you to close yourself off from others, it causes you to judge others and assume the worst of most situations

It sounds true. But difficult to accept.
Trying to see the positives in any situation is hard-for any person. It's human instinct to always have a back-up plan and to take care of yourself no matter what. That's what I'm doing...right?
As for my father, I've heard that theory many times. Usually starts off with elderly people saying, "Those girls with no fathers, they're always looking for men to fill that void." Then they look at me and shake their heads. Hmph.

LOL. Father. I haven't written about him in months. Think about it every day though. Feels a bit...unfair. Siblings...a father..I wonder how it'd feel to grow up like that-with those people in my life. I guess this brings another fear in my life: growing up and having a family. I wouldn't know the first thing to do. Or what to expect. I guess that's why I resent my half-siblings so much-because they had what I didn't. A part of me hates them for stealing what was originally supposed to be mine.

A few people have recently told me that everything happens for a reason and when things get tough, just to give all my problems to God. But that makes me feel so guilty. Doesn't He have enough to worry about? I'm sure He does. I get along fine with Him just looking out for me occassionally. I ask for enough as it is. =)

Just smile and nod right? Make sure everyone believes the false.
Life is like an echo. All comes back
The good, the bad, the false.
So give the world the best you can,
And the best will come to you.
And isn't that just what I'm doing? Giving the best. Cause in the end, no matter what you do, it'll come back. So might as well pretend it's all good, so maybe the good will come back.


(If this doesn't make sense, don't worry. Cause I don't get it either. I just had to blog something)

*sigh*
Such a crappy day. A few good parts, but overall, I felt guilty for smiling when I did.

A lady I really adore told me that I shouldn't worry about anything and smile even if I don't feel happy. Because just by smiling, it'll make me feel good. I tried that. And it worked. But deep inside I felt so bad. Why is it hard to smile when someone close to you isn't?

P.S. I find it pathetic that most of the people I know are in relationships. I want one tooooo. (hint hint Santa)

P.P.S. I'm thinking of making another blog. Or changing the name of this one.

Ohh Deaarr

I have never understood people's fear of aging.
Humans have been on earth for centuries, yet the traditional phases of life still haven't been accepted by many.
Just today, my English teacher mentioned how good it felt when someone said: you're only 50, you still have half your life to live.
Why though? Why should it feel good? Can't we accept how the "circle of life" is supposed to work.

It starts with age and ends with size. No one is ever going to be content. So much for accepting yourself...no matter what.

"You can't help who or what you are, just like a skunk can't help its smell."

Feels like someone scooped out all my insides and left it a bit too empty.
Gord. I can't sleep, and I can't type. I don't know what to say. I can't hold up a conversation, and I can't think of anything. My mind is so blank. Makes me mad that I don't know the cause of this. There's a reason for everything isn't there? So where's the reason for this?

Teri yaad aati hein

Now I know how she felt. Bit too late now though. She's coming to town soon. Another reason I don't want to be out too much these next few weeks. Just incase. I can't have her out of all the people see me like this. Wow. I haven't written about her in ages. I miss her so much. Maybe that's another reason I'm like this. I wish I knew. I want to stay home so bad tomorrow. I wish it was just me in the house. Better yet, I want to go to Timmy's.

I remember when I stopped going to Timmy's for a year. I stopped going everywhere. Any place that reminded me of either of them. God. It really feels like those days. I've been missing them both. It feels good to live in the past than to accept the present.

A part of me really doesn't want to accept this new person in my life. Knowing that she could become another them, it's scary. I don't want to give so much power to another person. I have a hard time giving it to myself. Sometimes I just want to push her away and tell her to fuck off. But where would that leave me? Not talking to her for a day got me in pieces. Imagine a whole lifetime. Sucks how much a person can mean. No matter how hard you try not to let them in. I did a good job with my other friends. My last "best friend," I didn't even blink when she left. I thought I was getting good at it. Apparently not. I guess I need more practice. Maybe, subconsciously, that's what I was doing these past few days. Especially last night.

Wish I were degradable. I'd break to pieces and whither away.

Hmm

I fail to understand a person's need to understand everything.

I spent approx 2 hours with a friend, talking in circles. Did it get either of us anywhere? No. We both probably still feel like shit and half the time were extremely fake. Instead of looking out for ourselves, we went for the obvious and most familiar-making sure the other was alright. Why is it that we fail to ignore ourselves, just so we can follow the norm. Better yet: What is the norm?

The better part of the evening was spent watching Borat-one of the funniest movies ever made. Yet, throughout half the movie, I was either forcing myself to laugh or completely lost. I didn't know half of what was going on. My mind and heart just weren't into it. Sure, I enjoyed seeing my friend happy, but I'm still the same way I was. I couldn't help but wonder how fake she was being.

That's what this world is made of isn't it? Fakeness. We fake smiles, laughter and sometimes even love. Where exactly did the realness go? Has reality turned fake as well?

Home again. Wow. Work was hell. My cheeks are sore from fake smiling. I barely talked to anyone.

I did think of a lot of things. Mainly at how selfish I'm being right now. A close friend needs help, and instead of being there for her, I'm wallowing in my own shit. I can't believe I forgot my own motto: Helping others helps keep my own problems in perspective. Hence the reason I should shut up and suck it up.

However, being there for her isn't that easy. For one, I barely know what she's going through. When I try to talk to her about her stuff, I get an odd vibe. Ok. I admit, it was my fault that her appoin backfired. I shouldn't have forced her. Sometimes I do retarded things without thinking.

Sometimes I really wish I knew my half-siblings. Feeling just a bit too lonely right now.

Woke up with a bloody headache and with tears on my pillow. According to my mother I was crying the whole night. Go figure. Apparently I even have feelings while I'm asleep.

Worst part about it all...Monday I'm going to be alone. Even though I have school, most people I know are going to some court case. Joy. You would think that after all this time I'd be used to being alone. Guess not.

As for a certain person's comments, alcohol and pills do help. At least for a while. And while we're at it, so does physical pain. Oh and I'd prefer you didn't stick your nose into this and "try" to get me help. Like you always say, "I do everything on my own."

On a positive note, I just went upstairs and found a whole box full of chocolates that I absolutely love! Hope no one misses it. Cause I'm done half the box. Oops. So much for that "eating disorder" I was accused of having eh.

Yeah. I'm being sarcastic and probably going to regret all of this later, but after the crappy weekend I just had, I could care less. I think a part of me is dying to hurt a certain someone. It's just who I am. When things get hard, I hurt those who "care" because I know it'll affect them the most. I guess thats what I did with the last two.

I cannot wait until work is over tonight. I'm going home and going to sit on my ass until 9 watching Christmas movies. One of my favorite movies is on tonight: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I used to adore that movie. Unfortunately, that movie now brings bad memories.

Funny how that is. I end up losing "friends" every year. I always used to think that my family was being mean when they said that I was a bad person that's why I kept losing people. But makes a person wonder. Could that be true? You don't see any other normal person lose people every year. Hmph. Just my luck.

I used to think that everything was for the best. That having those people in my life wouldn't do me any good. Boy was I wrong. Look where it got me. Nowhere. Same place I keep going to-hell.

Hahahaha. My horoscope for today:

December 16, 2007
It could be that you are feeling a strong sense of guilt at this time, Alishah, because of something you did in an effort to feed your own ego. Be aware of how your actions have affected others and apologize for what you have done. Guilt is basically a useless emotion that you should rid yourself of as quickly as possible. Don't let this feeling keep you from opening up your heart the way you need to in order to restore it to its original innocence.

Too funny.


P.S. So far: 5 people this year. (L)

God. I'd do anything for a hug right now. Maybe she's right. We both know this was my fault. If I hadn't had forced her to try to get help, she wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like shit.

As if I needed anything else to make this weekend any worse.
I truly am a horrible person. Did I honestly think I'd be able to help? I'm the one who hid a bloody depression for 3 years. Did I think I could help other people?

Maybe I'll take a day off of work. But I really need the money. Ugh.

Perhaps I won't even make it. I've popped 5 pills so far. God knows what kind they are. Just found them in the cabinet with a bunch of other pills.

How bad exactly is it to overdrink?? Cause right now, I'm willing to do anything to get away from fucking reality. Funny how half a bottle hasn't helped. Too bad I can't have any more. Stupid work tmr.

Honestly. The more I try to help-the more I fuck things up.

Blah blah blah.
I'm starving. Tummy feels empty. But when I go to eat...I feel really full. Maybe it's not my stomach that feels empty...

Fuck. I knew I should've stayed home on Friday. This all got worse on that day. Had a break from people for more than 24hrs. Still not helping. Making me feel more like shit. Funny how that happens eh? You want to be alone, but the second that you are, you feel even more lonlier. Haven't gone to Khane in 2 days. This really feels like those days again. Doesn't help that it's getting closer to New Years. I hate that day.

On a positive note: It's almost been a year since me and my bestie met. =D

I absolutely don't deal well with rejection-of any kind.

Oop
gots work tme
eekjk
sleep helus right:?
nightz

Bacardi and coke is actually really good. And makes you feel bubbly.
Hmph. I guess being alone isn't all too bad. Surprising that I haven't had a drink since last New Years. (Not surprisingly, I was alone that night).

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So. Why doesn't it feel that way??

Friday I kept getting panic/anxiety attacks. Sucks that I'm being a bitch to all my friends. 6 More days until they can get a break from me. It'll be a much needed break.

Tis the Season

10 days until Christmas and here I am sitting at home. Alone. Watching a Christmas movie.

What is it about this season that makes everyone-even those who don't celebrate it-so giddy? The lights, the music, everything is so beautiful. However there's one hitch-the whole "sappiness" part. Christmas is said to be a time when everyone comes together and celebrates. When past mistakes and issues are forgotten and new memories made. Yet why does it feel like it's not meant for everyone? Why is it that when I'm willing to be nice, change my ways, and give it a try, others just push me away. Or perhaps it's just me.

Maybe for the rest of this month I'll try doing something nice. Visit an orphanage, go to a senior's home. Something. If I can't celebrate with people who are supposed to be my friends, I might as well try to brighten up someone else's life. Right?

P.S. His and Her Christmas is an awesome movie. A bit old, but for those holiday saps, check it out.

Even my body likes to skip. -_-

The WOMAN is Angry

Why is that when a person is quiet or needing to be alone, other people freak out and start asking you questions. Yet when "other people" do the same thing, the person needs to suck it up and move on?

And why is it that when a person doesn't start a convo first others automatically assume you hate them?? What if I didn't see you online?? Or I was busy? Or better yet, didn't have anything to say. Couldn't you have started the convo first?

Honestly. I'm tired of trying to deal with other people's probs. Sure. I love you. But there's a limit to how much. I refuse to walk around alone trying to figure out what the hell could be wrong with you. If there is something wrong with you, either tell me what it is, or let me know you need to be alone. Either one is alright. But playing games is not ok.

Aite. Just had to let that out. Have a good day/night/evening/morning/ect.

aarrgghh x2

I absolutely hate when I'm PMSing, tired, starving, and I come home to the crappiest food (home-made fries that I absolutely dispise). Ok. Sure. On most days I would eat it, but lately, ever since grandma dearest came back, we've been eating food that doesn't satisfy me. Hence I've taken to eating supper out or sneaking in some fast food. However, today I was broke (since I broke my debit card) and had barely eaten the whole day. My PMS doesn't help at all because it's making me cranky and the lack of sleep I've had to deal with for the last week or so has made me even more irritible.
I know I probably sound like a bitchy woman in need of sleep, food, and a new life, but it's honestly who I am. I'm a complete ass on most days. And being around people who irritate me doesn't help. Take my mother for example: I've told her every week for 2 years that the second week of every month is when I start PMS-ing and being more moodier than usual. However, that information fails to get to her. She continues to annoy me, say screwed up jokes that do not make sense, and worst of all, she wears my grandmother's clothes that week. If that doesn't cause insanity, what will?
I guess I can't blame everything on PMS. It's me as well. I suppose ever since the old hag came back things have been really blah. I've always hated my great-grandmother. Never been fond of her. I almost hurt her physically. And now my grandmother. For the past 2 years, she has been a bit too...unpleasant. She is always cleaning. Even when the house is bloody spotless. Alright. Fine. She cleans. But she gets in my way. When I'm sitting on the computer, she'll come up behind me and start wiping the chair or something. When I tell her to leave she starts bitching about my lack of morals. Which confuses the hell outa me. What exactly does cleaning have anything to do with morals??? Sorry God, I'm a messy woman. Guess I can't make it to heaven in this lifetime. Maybe next time. [Insert sarcasm]

Since I'm ranting about family, I might as well rant about other sectors of my life. AKA Friends. I've been really weird around them lately. Especially one of my friends. She thinks a lot of me and I'd like to think it was mutual. But sometimes, I feel resentment towards her. I have a problem: the more people share their views of me with me, the more I'll push them away. For example: If someone tells me how much I mean to them, I'll immediately back away and stop feeling the same way about them. I know I don't mean it, but it not only affects my thoughts on them, but my relationship as well. *sigh* I wish I knew why I'm so afraid of affection. It bothers me. I hate seeing it and I hate having it. Another factor which results in my wanting to pull out my hair.

I think people are right-I DO need to see a bloody therapist or something.

AAARRRGGGG

*sigh*

This explains me in more ways than I can write down.
Just so tired. Of everything. I'm really in need of a change of atmosphere. Everything here is getting to me. It's too...repetitive. -_-

Way to cheer us negative ppl up...

Birthday..nope. Deathday sounds better

Wow. After days of trying to get into my blog...it finally worked.
I've really needed to vent. What about I have no idea. I just need to write. Write...but not to anyone specific. Even if I wanted to write to someone, I couldn't explain myself. I've just been so blah recently. What's worse is that it's 12:30am and no one has said happy birthday to me. The number of days I've stayed up late just to wish someone on their bday...and I get nothing.

Such a small thing, yet, I'm making a huge deal out of it. I don't even care much for birthdays. I guess feeling blah to start off with didn't help the situation much.

As for me feeling blah:
I've been losing a ton of energy because of my lack of nutrition. I can't eat much anymore. It hurts to eat. Even if I'm hungry and warm food up, putting it in my mouth is really hard. I just cannot get myself to do it. My lack of food intake has been causing me to get nasty migranes. Which in turn makes me bitchy.
Not to mention my mood. I'm either really happy, or really put off. Just random emotions of sadness, lonliness, and anxiety pass by me, and it makes me question everything in life. It's been coming back--the depression. And this time it's worse because I don't know the reason-and because it has a lot more to it. Migranes, no food, foul mood, and on top of that, being cut of from certain people.

Losing friends-I thought I was over that. When it first happened I couldn't have cared two shits about it. But lately, it all hurts. Seeing them, makes me wonder why I never had that. It feels like my childhood and teenage years are rushing past me. I'm not complaining about my life right now. I absolutely adore the friends I have, yet it always feels like something is missing. And that empty feeling has really been getting to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be stronger and take on the world with a cheerful attitude. But I can't. It hurts to even laugh for too long. It's not even the emotion hurt...it's also the physical. Makes me feel guilty because its affecting those around me. They don't deserve that.

*sigh*
Just need a break from life.
Cannot wait for this day to be over. The fake wishes and thank you's. Just a bit too much for me to handle.

Isn't it ironic...

We ignore who adores us. Adore who ignores us. Love who hurts us and hurt who loves us.

Lately, things haven't been too great. And I've come to realize that we humans are the stupidest creatures ever when it comes to things that matter. I've been taking all my anger and frustration out on those closest to me-which isn't fair at all.

So. This blog goes out to those special people in my lives who have been there for me through everything.

ilu.